I will not give up!

Okay ladies.
Here it is -
the Truth:

Women can do anything a man can - even better.*

*except when building ridiculous IKEA furniture
 














All I did was open the box, shift it's position and-
I find myself with a pulled muscle or something.

My "I am woman - hear me roar" - took off running.
I let a box and a bag full of screws, nails and little round silver things get the best of me.

Ladies this is just another adventure in the life of a single woman.
Ha!
Do not despair!

As you can see I eventually built the damn thing!

with the help of my only male constant: Pop (grandpa)

So, don't give up!
Roll up your sleeves - stretch (you'll thank me later)
Just jump right in - that's the only way to do it.

Oh and my pulled muscle and I survived intact.
Ain't it purty?

namaste.

Shift into Drive

Another week closer to starting school.
I've never been in a bigger rush to end and start a new month.
My life is ready to discover what is on the other side -
of the mountain that has been the last years.

I'm ready and prepared for a break.
Life has led me to the bottom, up again and has dragged me to the bottom again.
Now I have dusted myself off -
I'm ready to face the world on my terms.

So thank you.
Second chances are rare occurrences.
Though my heart remains bruised -
it is well worth it.

For the first time in a really, really long time,
I have shifted gears.
Neutral is falling behind as I roll -
into drive, forward, onward.

End. Only to begin again.

namaste.

Extended thoughts...

Loneliness.
I did not think I would become reacquainted with it so quickly.

Why would I?
I mean, I was single for 5 years and only started feeling lonely by the 5th year.
So, what's the difference?

Age.

I was in my early twenties back then and so were my friends.
It was fun being single.
I always had someone to go out and party with.


And yet.
Here I am - contemplating and speculating:
How long will it be this time around?

I am part of a dying breed.
Our numbers are dwindling as of now.
We must find each other.

Its a different kind of Hunger Games.

namaste.

Hello Dolly.

Shame on me for going so long without a post.
What can I say? I have not been inspired.
For the last few weeks I have been stuck in a rut of sorts.

I am currently unemployed, but found a job in FIU.
My educational future is in the air - talk about stress.
I am broke. Which is a terrible thing at my age.

My moods shift between sadness and numbness.
I'm just tired of the ups and downs of life.
Sigh.

So, I think it's finally happening.
I have no desire to hear his voice.
I have no desire to see his face.

I am not angry; I am accepting my reality.
I have accepted that the best possible thing is to keep him as far from my life as possible.
I have also accepted that he does not want to take part of my life or me in his.

It's an unfortunate thing.
The one person you always counted on, on always being there - well, isn't.
Three intense years have dwindled to a mere hello on the occasion that we may see each other.

I'm opting out.
I'd rather have my memories and never see him again,
than to suffer polite conversations.

It is a decision I have made.
He can never give or be what I want.
I will never be enough or be who he wants.

I cannot settle for acquaintances.
I can settle for friends,
but that will never come to be.

So instead I am ready:
to move forward
and
leave him and this all behind.

namaste.

Welcome home...

Hello world. It has certainly been a long time since my last post.
I have seemed to have lost my inspiration for this and for a few other things.
Not sure what is going on currently, but I am in a rut.

It has been as of late this feeling of sadness.
Unfortunately I am a terrible example of being single in your late twenties.
I am a better of example of what not to do and how to maneuver this emotional roller coaster.

I am not out there dating, nor do I want to date.
I am not willing to put myself out there.
I have zero experience with the single world.

I am bitter.
I am hurt.
I am empty.

There's nothing left for me to give.
Putting yourself back together takes time - lots of time.
I'm still falling out - begrudgingly so.

So it's one day at a time.
Right?

namaste.

I need a holiday...

Home is where ever I'm with you.

How hard it is to let that go. So very hard.

Home let me come home. I am home, home is when I'm alone with you.

How difficult it is to accept the loss of your home. I can barely breathe.

Flashes of what your future was supposed to be - haunt your thoughts.

one day at a time.

namaste.

Let it burn...

This is the fuel of my fire. The reminder that I have an excess amount of strength if I just believe in myself.

I need to stop worrying, stressing and being afraid of what the future may bring. I owe it to myself to live in the moment. I cannot afford to not learn from my past mistakes. Life is about now - not then.

Every day I have to remind myself that I survived my 1st heart break and yes, I realize I was younger, but I survived it. At the time I had no idea how long it would take, what it would take and where I would be when I finally knew I had healed.

I'm realizing I haven't allowed myself to grieve. Instead I push myself to move forward, to work it out, to not think about it. I chastise myself when I cry or when I miss him. In a blink of an eye I lost my life mate, best friend, lover and our dog.

The sooner I allow myself to mourn, the sooner I can move on to a healthier path. I don't want to be left an empty bitter shell of a woman. Am I going to be somewhat traumatized? Yea. Definitely.

Perhaps I can manage to salvage some part of that Old Yesi - the caring, giving, all of nothing Yesi - using all of my tools and systems.

That's all I can hope for - that and a happier tomorrow.

Down & Dirty

I accomplished one of my goals this past weekend. I completed my very first 5K with obstacles. Thanks to my best friend for encouraging me to join her.

It was such an amazing experience - one that I can't wait to repeat.
It is in those moments that I realize my strength - literally and figuratively.
With each obstacle completed it was an affirmation that I am a survivor.

I have survived life. I have survived loss. I will survive this.

Overwhelming happiness is the only way to express how I felt when I reached that finish line.
I had to trudge through a mud pit thick and deep. With each pull, each thrust forward, I knew that right now I'm still swimming in the mud.

Unlike Sunday, I have let myself sort of flail around without much progression. I have lost sight of my goals and what it is that I have set for myself. No more.

Tomorrow I will be turning over a new leaf - finally. Hm, perhaps I should give myself a break. Tomorrow will be another step taken in the right direction.

It is not my job to change someone's opinion of me. I am who I am and if you cannot accept that or remember that - oh well.

I know what my issues are and I realize that until I address them, I will never be free to really move forward. It is high time that I find a solution. I was not able to conquer my issues before, but I'm a different person.

This time I have an amazing support system in place and I have crossfit.

It's been a while...

not much as occurred since my last blog.
I've been an emotional monster since I've moved back home.


Crossfit 101 is kicking my butt.
Doing my very 1st 5K this Sunday...I'm going to die.
I will be happy just to complete the course.

Have all my things in order in regards to school.
Now I just have to wait to receive the Financial Aid award.
Have an interview on Tuesday for FIU - yippee.

Fingers, toes, eyes crossed! Light them candles!

IRS - you suck.

Thank you for once more throwing a wrench in my progress.
It seems that I'm so very close and yet not close at all.
I just want to be able to register for classes and then it will be real.
I'm on the right path but it's not enough, I need to have a class schedule in my hands.

I'm officially back at my grandparent's house -sigh-
Amid all of my emotional turmoil, the bittersweet decision I have made - I can't deny the sense of peace I feel.
Being in their presence usually almost makes me feel at peace.


namaste.

Day by Day

I have to focus on moving...
Harassing the IRS - they're the only thing holding my financial aid back.
Creating my new room...I have till June to figure out what I want.
Find khaki pants - no, I have not started volunteering, but I will.

Finally going to join a crossfit gym.
May register for the Down & Dirty...if I don't chicken out.
Need to start taking care of my car...oil change most importantly.
Pay 1st half of FIU.

This is where my resolve begins to weaken.
Soldier on. That's all I can do.

namaste.

The 28 year old me...

So I helped my cousin (1st year in college) write her first MLA paper.
Oh boy.
I'm not sure I'm prepared to go back to school. There is so much that I have forgotten over the last 3 years.
Dinosaur. That's what I felt like last night. My brain was rusty and it took forever to be able to formulate one sentence.
I sincerely hope it's like riding a bike - you  never forget.
Let me tell you one thing: It felt absolutely wonderful to have my creative juices flowing.
I swear I could feel my brain pulsating with each thought.
I'm somewhere between scared sh*tless and beyond excited.
I don't know how I'm going to measure up to this young students.
Here's hoping that these last 3 years and my experiences will somehow come in handy.
My views and ideas have shifted substantially since I was 24-25.


Soon enough we will know whether this 28 year old gal, still has what it takes.

namaste.

Hiatus...

The cruise was lovely - a bit stressful at times.
It has been a tough month thus far, but I'm looking forward.
I'm also taking a break from couples...4 days surrounded by them, ain't easy.

I have officially finished packing away my books.
In 2 weeks, I'll be back in the safety of my grandparent's home.
It is not a step backward (that's how it feels to me), but a necessary move to move forward.

August couldn't get here any quicker. I want to blink and be walking to my first class.
More immediate issues are wearing me down.
Jerk boss, for example. I would love to send him to friar papas.
I'm stuck until I find another job, hopefully in FIU.

To most people's disbelief, ladies and gentlemen, it has happened.
After so many months, the chapter is finally coming to an end. I feel it in my bones, in my broken heart.
No one should have so much power over you, not matter how much love there is.

I  no longer fear the end, but instead am saddened by it. I know our future will be one without a friendship. I suspect there will always be water under the bridge. I am coming to terms with that as well, though it is made easier because he has changed so much.

So, bring it on. Bring the literature, the papers, the mid-terms and finals. I am ready. Absolutely ready to drown in it.

namaste.

It's Finally Here!

Leaving on a cruise line...don't know when I'll be back again.

My entire body will sigh in relief when I finally step foot on the boat.
It's been a tough month thus far, but there have been lessons learned.

There's no time to expound on these lessons and/or realizations. You discover something new about yourself everyday - positive and negative.

namaste.

2 more days...

Had a serious work out last night - much needed. I pushed myself until my legs were burning and lungs were going to burst. It felt amazing.

namaste.

3 days...

until we sail away into the sunset with a drink in each hand.
These past few days have been eye opening and filled with life lessons.
I came face to face with the undeniable truth that I am still very much in love.

I also came face to face with various solutions or paths to be taken.
It is time I stop living my life according to the break-up.
It is time I stop marking each event according to how long it has been since I've spoken to him.

My life has remained entangled with his even if he's an unwilling participant. Watching someone move on is a hard pill to swallow, but that is all you will ever be doing - watching. I must unravel myself from the sticky web I have created.

There is an opportunity at hand, an opportunity for my new chapter to be cleansed of him. It is unfortunate that I've never been good at letting go. I'm a fighter. The more impossible the fight, the more veracious I am. This can go wrong in so many instances - this definitely being one of them.

I have also realized that I have only so many spoons and I need to stop using them on this.

So. When I wake up in the morning, it's not going to be about surviving another day without engaging with him. Instead it will be about surviving the day - period. It is time I begin making my peace with this and myself.

Tip: Stop analyzing ways to letting go or questioning your own motives. Just take each day as they come, according to you.

namaste.

Are we there?

???

What does it all mean?

Has all my hard work been for naught?

Have I been fooling myself all along?

How was I supposed to react?

I recognize that he has cast a spell on me - useless now.

I thought I was moving forward slowly, but surely.

In just 30 minutes all of my efforts seemed silly and empty.

I don't want to be that woman that lives the rest of her life pining over lost love.

How did it get to this? How did he get under my skin and has managed to remain there?

I feel embarrassed and ashamed. He has been successful in moving on - obviously.
I am painfully aware that the love has long been gone and I'm left to choke on this poisonous spell.

When will I break free of this?

namaste.

Wednesday

Word for the day:

Angry.

What is the point of trying to be the best partner and work hard?
Because when it is all said and done - it's like as though your love never existed.

Perhaps it never did?

What happened to me, that I seem to have regressed?

Well, the worst possible thing for someone who is still working on falling out of love.
The one act that makes the whole situation that much more true - a visual of what moving on looks like.

It was a lovely  birthday present. I'm still thanking the Universe for such a thoughtful gift.

namaste.

The right word...

is so important.

Devastated.

That's my word.

Exit to the right.

So I was wrong.

I can feel dead inside - again.

He is not a caring person.

The Universe has a wicked sense of humor.

My brain feels fuzzy.

I'm retiring from this for a little bit.

Taking a time out.

I'm emotionally spent.

namaste.

Casi, casi

Birthday weekend! Yippee.

Not really feeling it. So, I'm glad to announce that my bff will be moving back to the Miller Square area as well. This makes me super happy!
I will not be alone and will have a place to hide out. The Universe has taken pity upon me.

Ladies you all know that birthdays, like most holidays are difficult -especially if its the 1st one after the break-up. This Sunday is my birthday and it's my 1st birthday being single. Last year I was walking into the greatest surprise party of my life, with him by my side. It has been the best birthday so far and I don't imagine there being another one to compete.

I have resolved to continue on my path of recovery and to not cave even if drunk. This is going to be a dangerous weekend - lots of drinking, memories.

Thankfully, I'll have my friends and family with me - standing guard.

Survival Tips:

•  Leave your phone at home or if you absolutely need it - give it to a friend to hold.
• Dress up - make yourself feel pretty.
• Flirt with a cute guy (I know , ALot easier said than done)
• Mingle with everyone - it'll keep your mind preoccupied.
• If you feel the texting itch creep up - DANCE!
• Drinking makes some of us single ladies a little hot under the collar - Dance it off!
• Be flexible to plan changes.
• Remember to have fun - it's your birthday!

Fingers crossed. Wish me luck!

namaste.

Time waits for no one.

Woke up from a stupid dream this morning - must be because my birthday is this weekend. I always have dreams when it's a special occasion. For the most part I try to not think about him at all.

Lately, I have been analyzing time and how it different my friends lives have become from one month to the next. Both of my best friends have found their life partners within a span of a year. Within a year, I will be returning to school and hopefully graduating.

There's no white picket fences or wedding bells, but this is just as important if not more. I've also rehashed some of my not so fine moments. I feel so separated from that, but its a good reminder of how far I've come.

It went from an intense year of feeling so alive - socializing, lots of partying, making new friends, hanging with old ones. It all came crashing down at the end of the year. The next year was a stark contrast - I was empty inside, robotic, completely void of life. Until I met him.

I have taken this break up in stride in comparison to years ago. I still feel very much alive, if not a little broken. So, I'm taking the positives where I can find them. My official year begins on Sunday and I can't wait. Every month that passes is one month further away from September.

Needless to say that I have my moments of impatience- I want to see where I'm going to be a year from now. Always looking for the big picture. Well, not so much, because I am trying to live in the moment - to really feel the loss, the healing, the hope. I don't think I will fully learn the lessons and grow from this if I'm constantly focusing on months ahead.

I cannot afford to miss the lessons or mistakes will be repeated. There are certain behavioral traits that I need to work on. Until I do, until I feel as though I have grown from this terrible experience - I'm staying alone.

You waste so much time in the break up engaging dance. Time that could have been spent healing. Oh well, should haves, would haves. This time around it's finally different - I am different. My disconnection is final - about time too.

namaste.

Wishful Wednesday

I have officially finished all my pending items for Financial Aid! How excited am I? Extremely.
Now, I just have to wait to see what type of financial aid I'm offered.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am 99% there. May couldn't get here any quicker! Thankfully I will have moving and the cruise to keep me busy. Also, I just realized that I don't necessarily have to wait till May to make my payments.

I can basically start in April, after my last rent payment.

Side note: This goes out to all my full figured ladies. So, I'm on this make yourself feel good trip and I decided to brave the world of strapless bras. Guys this is where you may want to check out. May I just say, that I hate them. I did in fact purchase one, but I hate the sensation of being without straps. I feel completely naked. Just another reason why being a woman is difficult. My annoyance abated a bit once I purchased 2 spaghetti strapped dresses for the cruise.

I'm giving myself a minor make over - Yesi style.

Strapless bra - check!
Contacts - check! (later this afternoon)
Tattoo - check!
Hair - tough one...trying to decide whether it's time to chop it off again.

 P.s. I'm taking suggestions for convincing my grandparents to allow me to adopt a god.

namaste.

I'm wide awake.

I don't remember researching teaching abroad programs being so overwhelming. I just want one clear and concise website. The research has begun in search of career ideas.

I'm trying to formulate a plan for my future, since it is so close at hand. For so long, my plan was to finish my BA program and Ireland. Now, I don't know. Unbelievably I will hopefully have both scratched off by the end of 2013.

Then I'm left with that question: "what now?" hanging over my head. I have never dealt well with the unknown. We all know by now, that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about having a plan.

As a woman I find it somewhat difficult since I've disqualified marriage and children as options. So many women probably walk along this track: Finish school, work for a while, find a suitable man, marry and have kids. There leaves little room for travel, relocation, and freedom.

Admittedly I am still getting use to the feel in my mouth, my thoughts, my plans. Perhaps due to having a vagina it does cause some fear. Its never easy to venture out on a thin limb. Most women know from a young age when they don't want to be mothers or wives. For the better part of my childhood I knew, but then I was introduced to love.

Now, I know it's what I want and what is right for me, but I'm still scared. Being single plays tricks on you. One day you're perfectly content in your own skin - alone and then BAM the loneliness comes a-knocking.

Oh and what is it with missing someone you don't want back? What is the purpose of that? I find myself missing him, but I have to constantly remind myself that it's ridiculous because I would never in my right mind be with him again. Yet, I do. I miss him.

Ha. That reminds me. Ladies was there ever something that your partner didn't particularly like on you or for you, but you did? For example: short hair, long dresses, baggy shirts, mom jeans, etc. Well, my chickadees, I recommend doing whatever it was that he didn't like. I for one, spent little time before I went to chop off my hair. I still wear baggy shirts, but I am missing one. The long dress.

It seems silly - I know. But, if done for the right intentions - it feels like you're peeling away on old heavy layer from the past.

try it.

namaste.

My apologies...

So my birthday is coming up and I'm not excited.
I'm going to the Fair with family and friends to stuff my face.
My motivation level is quite low at this current juncture.

I am literally just counting down till May and Ill continue till August.

Thankfully there are a few events in between that time to keep me entertained:

• My birthday weekend
• Packing
• The Cruise!
• Packing
• Moving out
• Moving in
• Working out
• Volunteering

From May to August I'm going to have to get creative. There's 4th of July of course, Cinco de Mayo, cousins birthdays, etc. Somewhere in the middle I have to make time to visit Tampa. I'm also going to continue my hunt for a job on campus. I would love to not have to drive by UM every morning.

I spent the majority of this weekend reading. I finally caved and purchased "The Hunger Games". I know, I'm late to the game - it was the same thing with the Twilight saga. So far, I like it a lot better than Twilight. It is very well written and admittedly has me itching to turn the page. Needless to say, I understand the following it has earned.

Exciting news: We will be getting together to begin planning our trip to Ireland soon!

Confession: I have become incredibly lazy and have stopped reading "The Heart Break Bible", as well as stopped working on the exercises.

namaste.

Emerald Isle Tuesday

Good Morning Vietnam!

So I had an extremely Irish weekend - being St. Patty's Day and all. More than that though, it seems the Universe has conspired once again to bombard me with signs.

It seems that this little leprechaun will be going to Ireland next year. It is for certain - just as long as I graduate. My flight will be a graduation gift from my sister and brother-in-law. Even before knowing that, my best friend told me that she was going to help me plan my trip.

She had decided that she was going to go with me and we were even setting up a meeting to figure out how much to save a month. That alone was the closest I have ever been to really planning my trip and now with this gift. I think I'm in shock and will probably remain so until someone puts a ticket in my hand.

It has been a dream of mine for as long as I remember. Braveheart. That was the culprit of this almost life long dream and goal of mine. I know it's a Scottish story, but the movie itself was filmed in Ireland. After that, I'm not sure how it grew, but my love for Ireland just continued until it was no longer a want, but a need to visit.

Perhaps because I'm a writer with a penchant for believing in magic, fairies, and full moons. The Universe indeed has granted me a second chance to get my life right. A second chance to succeed and finish school. Finally, the gumption (with help from friends and family) to make my trip to Ireland a reality.

Needless to say I am looking forward to the latter half of this year.

namaste.

Monday Morning bluesy blues

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Fish of Past and Present

Had a great time last night hanging out with old friends.
Learned a new and successful way to bowl.
It was refreshing and comforting to see some of these faces after so long.

I'm excited to say that everything is basically on track for my grand return to FIU. The IRS needs to get it together - damn it! Apparently you can't reach a human being when calling the IRS. Anyway, all that is left for me to do is pay.

I went running two nights ago and I was pleased with my progress. I haven't done crossfit in practically a month, but my endurance is still there. Thank goodness. I know that running isn't going to be enough, but for now it is better than sitting at home.

I've been lazy and stopped reading my book - books in general. Kinda lost focus for a bit. I didn't want to deal with it anymore - needed a small break. I was tired of analyzing and searching for the history - it's exhausting.

I also stopped reading Eat. Pray. Love. because I'm in the love part and it makes me want to barf. I'm not quite ready to experience her happily ever after. Nope, not at all. Right now I only want to hear about independent women surviving this cruel, cold world.

I'm working on week 2 of operation extraction. An operation begun a great many times, but never completed - until now. I need this kind of cleansing because I am moving back into the lion's den. Where everything is too close for comfort, where every red car may be his and so on and so forth.

These last 6 months out of that area, out of my house and being on my own has been crucial to my sanity. It's going to be about keeping a busy schedule and being proactive.

On a side note: Today is 2 very special people's birthday. One I have known for years and years and I'm lucky enough to call her my friend. She's actually more like a sister really <3 The other I did not know for very long, but it was hard to not love the guy. Unfortunately, he is no longer with us, but he is missed immensely by his family and friends. I know that where ever he is, he is watching and protecting his family. He is most certainly proud of his brothers and the path they each have chosen.

Tip: Give a loved one a hug today.

namaste.

Manic Monday...

Did lots of talking this past weekend. I traveled to Ireland quite a few times and even got married to a Patrick.

Ha.

I am placing my ideas and goals out there in the Universe. The more I repeat them to myself and to others I feel it may increase their chance of coming to fruition.

I'm going to miss living on my own - having my own space. It's going to be difficult to go back to living in a bedroom. Nothing of worth or importance ever comes easy and sacrifices almost always have to be made.

Focus. I am on the precipice of change and I feel that the worse is over. I now have a direction. Let me touch upon something I have noticed lately.

Regarding the rules and regulation of being single as an adult, I have realized that they're antiquated. We are not meant to stay single for long or at least that's what your friends and family wish for you. Aren't your friends encouraging you to go out there and date, meet new people, potential lovers? They're the same friends who agree that you have to be alone in order to heal. Women themselves are confused about what is the appropriate step after a break up. Our independent intelligent minds tell us that it is okay to be alone in order to figure out your life. At the same time the ideas of what it is to be a woman which has been ingrained in our being - tell us to hurry and get back on that horse.

Nobody wants to be that friend who has attended friends weddings, has been in the wedding party, has maybe even married friends, but has not been the actual bride. We place all this unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves.

So, I'm making a new rule ladies: if you don't want to get married - then don't. There is no need to bend to society's will and others expectation. Brace yourself for the eye rolls, sighs and influx of advise. There is something bigger out there, bigger than all of us.

The trick is to live a fulfilled life and that may not require marriage and kids. That has a different meaning for each person and never set it aside for someone else's dream.

Life's too short.

Tip: Remind yourself that you deserve better - always better.

namaste.

Unconquerable Soul

Happy Friday!

Go out and have some fun.

It's been a rough week, so I plan on relaxing. Perhaps I'll make use of my pool?

I need some me time - without the crying and kill yourself music.

Just me, myself and a book.

Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do once I graduate.

Bad habit.

Perhaps I should stop trying to focus on the big picture.
Perhaps I should concentrate on the details, the stitching that forms the big picture.

Friends keep telling me that everything will fall into place. It's difficult for me to believe.

I am the master of my destiny or something cliche like that.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Tip: Get some fresh air, clear your head.


namaste.

Organized Mayhem

Immediate To Do List 

1. Go to volunteer training
2. Start exercising again
3. Begin organizing belongings
4. Collect boxes
5. Start packing books
6. Get an oil change
7. Tire rotation and alignment
8. Buy new windshield wipers
9. Renew registration
10. Pay ticket

Long Term To Do List

1. return to my children books idea
2. begin researching career options
3. pursue MA?
4. move?
5. teach abroad?
6. IRELAND
7. Graduate
8.  write
9. cook
10. get another dog

Sometimes  I have to write things down or else I will lose them. Lately I've had so many ideas, thoughts, goals crowding my brain. I feel like if I don't write them down I'll never accomplish any of them. So, I've created something of a checklist for myself.

Maintaining my car for example, is something that I have been putting off and I can't. The mechanic even gave me a to do list for my car and I haven't checked one thing off.

I need to gather myself and focus on my needs, wants - what makes me tick. I really liked the person I was becoming: energetic, positive, happier. This is what happens when you don't break the cycle the first time around. Instead you get hurt all over again, cry all over again, feel heartbroken all over again.

I've made a few decisions lately - some while in the middle of emotional turmoil (so they will probably change) and others with a calm mind. I've decided that once I graduate the world will be open to me. I may decide to relocate (depending really how far along I am with this whole healing thing).

This next decision will cause many to roll their eyes. I can hear the old tired, "Oh, you're just feeling like this now, but you'll find someone else". Now I'm not going to argue, because it may be true or maybe not. What I do know is that I honestly don't feel like starting over with anyone. I don't feel like sharing any part of myself with anyone. I don't feel like playing the getting to know you game. I don't want first kisses, first hugs, first dates. I don't want to give my number to anyone. I don't want to ever, ever wait for anyone. I will never, ever surrender myself to anyone again. It is a tiring game that I am opting out of. I'm not bitter - I just don't have the energy nor the desire to experience falling in love or the like.

I don't want to get married or have kids. Many women are probably shaking their heads at this. Right now this is the path I want to take and I'm okay with it. My 9 year old self had it right - school, career, travel, friends, family, dogs. 

Tip: Learn to rely on yourself and stop finding reasons to contact him.

namaste.

Tuesdays with Yours Truly.

And I'm back.

It's been tough lately and I have had little motivation to write. Seems like I'm stuck in a rut of sorts. It's like ripping off a band-aid again and again. Which is probably why you're not supposed to continue with the engaging dance.

I very recently caught myself creating  a very similar cycle. I have yet to be unavailable. I remained available for a very stupid reason, but I'm done with that now. I absolutely have to be.

6 months. Half a year later and I have ripped off the band aid one, final time.

Really short...

Made my visitation rounds last night. It was nice and relaxing.
I was on nerd mode today.
Set up my FIU email account after 4 years. Let me tell you trying to delete 6,000+ emails - not fun.

I can barely contain my excitement. Now, it's time to try to figure out what direction I'm going to take once I graduate. I have no idea anymore. I used to want to teach high school, but now I'm not too sure. I would love to do something more proactive.

I have time for that I guess.

Tip: Continue to work out the history.

Namaste.

Moving the small stones...

So, it's finally going to happen.
I have never been more anxious for time to pass.
Application has been sent.
I have applied to FAFSA.
Loans are getting situated.
Fall 2012 get ready for me!

May will mark the turning point:
Moving back in with the grandparents.
Going back to FIU.

Lately I have had the need to disconnect from my past.
To sever all ties.
So much leads back and I only want to move forward.

It feels good to be working towards something concrete.
I have not felt this driven, well, in years really.
I'm not quite at the finish line.

The roller coaster hasn't stopped, but it is slowing down.
I will take any reprieve that is given.

Tip: Work on finding the history of your relationship. What were the true underlying causes of the breakup? Don't be afraid to dig.

namaste.

Love when songs are so fitting...

Ending at the Beginning.

Prospective future:

Graduating before 30 - I really hope the world doesn't end this year.
Continuing volunteering at the animal shelter.
Owning another dog - yes, I will be adopting again.
Keeping some exercise routine, not necessarily CrossFit.
Practicing meditation.
Writing, writing and more writing.
Saving money for my trip to Ireland.
Finally go to Ireland.
Marry a Patrick O'Henry (not really).

Immediate goals:

Go to FIU admission office.
Start packing little by little.
Do something active every day.
Focus on the things you can control and let go of things you cannot.
Continue to work towards healing.
Stop comparing yourself to him - you are different.
Go over exercises from the book.
Reread areas that are helpful.

This is how my life will look for the next few years. It has been a long, arduous road that has led me back to school. If 21 year old me met 27 year old me, I'm sure she'd be quite surprised where life has led her. My life was always dictated by a time table created by my need to have control. Who would've ever imagined how far off the path I wandered.

So many of my experiences were brought on by my own hand. I can clearly draw the line between life's circumstances and my personal decisions. I have never been one to follow the easy route - in any aspect of my life.

So, here I am almost 4 years, a hundred life times later standing on a very familiar crossroad. I have traveled here many times and every time I have turned away - scared. Well, I have been stripped of everything - love, heart, identity, dreams. I am left with my bare essentials. I needed this, I needed to fall apart - to really fall apart - to get my second chance.

I know most who are close to me would think that back in 2007 should have held the epiphany, but it didn't. I can't explain why it didn't propel me to get my act together and push fear aside. Perhaps it was because I invested all of myself into this one person and was left broken. This broke me on a much deeper level and really forced me to figure out who I was.

Love is a potent emotion, one that I don't think anyone can ever really comprehend. It runs deep and strong, causing you to put yourself in a position that could leave you vulnerable. It pulls and pulls parts and thoughts and actions that even you didn't think you were capable of.

Love is the ultimate risk. It's a gamble - all in - all or nothing.

At least that's how I play the game. I believe this was the only way to bring me full circle. I needed my world to be torn down, so I would have the opportunity to build it back up again. I have said it before and I will say it again - this is my second chance - my clean slate.

Who would have thought, I would feel grateful? I am though. I am thankful he was able to foresee that our future together wasn't possible. He did me a favor, by breaking my heart - I had nothing left to do- but -start over.

Thanks.

Tip: Create realistic goals. Write them out and work towards them.

namaste.

Time flies...

when you're picking up the pieces. It will be 6 months in just 2 weeks. Six entire months, half of a year, 182 days and countless hours. It blows my mind that I have lived the last 6 months without him, the dogs, his family.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - it's bizarre. It has left me bereft of  the little happiness I had gained. I recently read somewhere that one must work to keep their happiness. I don't pretend to be doing a great job, but I do try.

Realizing how much time has passed has only exacerbated my loneliness and has created a vacuum of missing. At least I know that I am not alone on this journey. Walking around with a phantom limb can become cumbersome.

The unknown is what pains my heart. You spend 3 years of your life with one person each moment blending into another moment of oneness - until words no longer need to be spoken. Until you know what he is thinking with just a glance at his face. Until your yous and mes become us and we.

Now, you can't remember the sound of his voice, his smile, the sound of his laugh.

-sigh-

May cannot get here any quicker.

Tip: Patience.

namaste.

Hopeful Wishful Dreamful

Finally, went back to doing crossfit!
We had a 2 week break - unforeseen of course. Within those 2 weeks my mood changed drastically with meds and all.
I was never a believer that exercise could really improve your mood and help with depression. I always argued that if it was a chemical imbalance then exercise would do little.
Boy was I wrong.
At first I couldn't figure out why I was feeling super weepy, until my bestie reminded me that I had stopped doing crossfit.
duh!
Holy moly, she was absolutely right! I had just increased one of my meds and I still wasn't feeling like happy balanced self. So, ladies I don't care how tired you may feel - work out! Last night I felt re-energized and almost normal again.

What a relief. So no more missing crossfit!

I'm going to put it out there in the Universe because I need all the help I can get - supernatural and human. There's a pretty good chance that I can be enrolled in FIU by fall. Just the thought fills my belly with butterflies. I need every single one of you to cross your fingers, toes, eyes (unless driving).

Perhaps I'll graduate with my BA before 30?

Tip: Go outside this weekend. Go to a park, ride a bike, kayak, hang at the beach - just get some fresh air.

namaste.

Sigh of relief...

I apologize for my last few posts. They most certainly have been uninspiring. Life can get away from you so easily at times.

I had specific goals set for myself at the start of the new year and so far it's been a slow road. At least this Saturday I go in for volunteer training - yay! My next demon to tackle is making my first payment to FIU. Thankfully we're only in the 2nd month of the year - and yes it is almost ending - so I haven't wasted too much time.

I also found a Won Buddhist temple not too far from my house - I'm going to call to check if it's open to the public. Let's see if I'm brave enough to go meditate by my lonesome. I've lost track of the things that I want to do. I'm going to type them out and hang the list somewhere visible.

My birthday is almost a month away and I need to DO something. I cannot stay in this year - uh uh, no way. Last year was amazing though, so I need inspiration to strike! Camping? Fair? Dancing? Beach?

I think I've just been handed an opportunity to quickly pay FIU back. It's time to gather myself from the puddle I am beginning to resemble. I was doing great there for a moment and feeling happy for once. If you're experiencing something similar remember this is not a straight shot. This journey is like being on a boat in an ocean - you have nice calm days, you have days that the current pulls you back and there are days that current pulls you forward. The trick is, well, to stay on the boat.

Have faith that the Universe has not forsaken you. Sometimes a door closing, opens another door - one that couldn't be seen until you stepped onto this new path. Remember: believe in yourself and the strength that is in your heart and mind.

Tip: Reevaluate your life at the present moment. Write it out. Tweak what needs to be improved. Make a "To Do" list and jot down everything (realistic) that you want to do. Make it a point to try to do one a week. For example: I'm finally going to volunteer training this Saturday. Love and light - always.

namaste.

Cloudy Tuesday...

I woke up this morning thinking it was Friday - how disappointing. I was deep in my sleep and dream, so I woke up in the strange blurred line between dreams and reality. It was even more disappointing when I remembered it was only Tuesday - sigh.

So, crossfit has been temporarily over - another sigh. The sissy just started working and gets home late. On the upside I did work out last week with the bestie - not as hard as crossfit, but it was something. These last few days have been kind of blurry and I feel kinda like I'm floating. I can't even concentrate enough to write a blog everyday - unacceptable!

Not sure what's going on. My goal for this week is become more grounded - again. So, if you can tie this string around my ankle and yank me down - Thanks.

Need to feed the worm in my stomach.

Tip: Try to find balance in each day.

namaste.

Monday blues.

Argh. Woke up this morning with the only urge to cry. I have not continued to read my book for the last week. I have also lost track of my 30 day cleanse - shame on me. Perhaps I'm in a rut, one that I did not see myself crawling into.

I spent most of last week out of my house - hanging with the BFF. I can't do that this week, because I feel overwhelmed with the lack of time. I need to get myself back on a schedule. Refocusing is my goal for this week - NEED to.

My brain seems to be in a fog and I feel a disconnection - just going through the motions.

Uh uh. I can't continue down this oh familiar road. It is not easy being a woman, no not at all.
Can't wait to go home and work out. Working out never fails to lift my spirits. I swear I feel like I've been PMSing forever.

namaste.

Nothing a little TLC can't handle...

As you could probably guess - yesterday was one of those days. I just wanted to get home to mope freely on the couch, my bed, the floor or whatever.

Anyway, it didn't happen. Instead I vegetated on the couch with my fellow Ram watching music videos. I was able to push off my pity party for one more night.

namaste.

A little pissy, a lot over it.

I don't have anything inspirational right now or this week. It kinda sucks when someone you care about doesn't seem to care about your well being. It would be super easy for me to send a quick text, but I won't - I can't. Instead ladies, let's put his lack of interest to good use. Let it be another reason why you are so much better without him. Don't let that feeling of rejection motivate you to contact him. Use that feeling of rejection as a tool to help you Not contact him.

What? Are you too busy? Doing it for my benefit? All lies. The sooner you accept that very rarely is he doing it for your benefit - the happier you'll be. More often than not, it's just that he has moved on and that whole I want to be friends deal - crap. So as you feel your fingers itch to text, even if it is to just say hi - he wins. For every text, call, email - he wins. Always keep in mind: if he was interested, he'd know where to find you. If he cares to know how you are doing - he knows your number. Trust me it's not easy and I'm constantly reminding myself.

I have always reached out. I always convince myself it's not a big deal and that life's too short to play games. This isn't a game though - it is my reality. It is a big deal that he has not once tried to text, call - just to say hey, how are you, have a good week. Ladies, he is not staying at home wondering about you nor does have these very moments of temptations. No, instead he is living his life with the smug knowledge that eventually you are going to make contact. Jerk. 

Prove him wrong, prove yourself wrong. For once in this long tale - put yourself first. Women cannot help themselves - almost. Our emotional attachments run deep and fog our reason. We are not very good at pretending we don't care and we're terrible at disengaging. Yet, it is very possible.

Before you reach for that phone - ask yourself this: What has he done for you lately? What interest has he shown? You and I both know the answers to the questions.

Tip: Reread your list of negative attributes and reasons why the relationship did not work. It's good to remind yourself of that - we are too eager to put on those rose colored glasses.

namaste.

Post Valentine's Day

How did everyone survive yesterday? I did pretty well myself. No texts, calls or emails were made - Yippee! I had no emotional breakdown nor did I allow myself to be in a bad mood.

I actually ended up having Valentine's dinner with my mom and brother <3

I have discovered that I am somewhat bitter and have very little patience for mushy stuff. It's not always though and for the most part I'm happy to see others in love. It's important that I realize this, so I can work through it. I don't want to become a bitter woman, that grunts and growls at the mention of love.

It's been a few months, but I'm still not ready to go out there and date. The mere thought of having to flirt or be coy, causes heart palpitations. I have never been more afraid or stressed out over dating. This is a new realm that I'm sorting my way through. Don't worry, I'm not forcing anything. When the time is right, I assume I won't have a heart attack when a guy asks me to hang out. Until then, steer clear.

It's natural to crave the human touch, to be held, to snuggle or to simply hold hands. For now sleeping with the Grinch and Jack Skellington should suffice.

Tip: Give yourself a hug today.

namaste.

St. Valentine's Day

Brief History of Valentine's Day:

• It was first established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 A.D.
• Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the first recorded romantic link to St. Valentine's - when courtly love began to flourish.
• Paper Valentine's became extremely popular in the 19th century.

Okay, I'm done with the history lesson.

So, I bought myself flowers, a cookie cake (shared with BFFs) and had a lovely evening - last night. I set the vase right next to my bed - it's hard to not smile when you wake up to flowers. I've taken the high road, ladies and gents. I slipped into a dress this morning, painted my lips red, fixed the hair and I feel nice.

 It's time to make new memories on this day - positive ones. I started a day early. Last night turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. I plan on going grocery shopping, jogging and settling down with some yummy dinner and cookie cake for dessert. It is not the same as having a homemade cookie cake, but it will have to do. 

Valentine's Day should be about spreading love to everyone: old, young, woman or man. So, buy yourself some flowers and remember to smile.

Tip: Do something that makes you feel good.

Namaste.

Pre Valentine Massacre

There are times that I welcome Mondays and there are times when I don't. This morning, I'm definitely not welcoming Monday.

I need another day to recuperate. Last week was a lovely one, filled with positive vibes and hopefulness. It was a good week among a sea of mediocrity.

It is Valentine week...or at least till tomorrow. Now, this can be a challenging day (or 2) to maneuver, especially emotionally taxing.  I myself am feeling pretty emotional today, but I will gather my wits and surpass this.

Now, there are various things you can do tomorrow to help conquer the Day of Love. Barf.

• Wear red, wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. Remember that Love isn't exclusive and there are plenty people to love (moms, dads, friends, sisters. brothers, la la la).
• Wear black, growl at people when they get near you. Go home to a bottle of wine and a gallon of ice cream. (Remember though, we are trying to be proactive).
• BE STRONG. Use your bag of tricks to help you get through the day. Call up a fellow single friend and go out to dinner or take out. Everything always seems better when in good company.
• Use every tool in your armory and reread every exercise you have completed that has helped you move forward.
• Buy yourself flowers, dress up nice and take yourself out on a date (can be at home). Remember: It's about you now.
• Hide your phone, deactivate your profile, delete your email account and drive to Tampa.
• Wear red, Be Strong, hide your phone, get that pizza and go home to relax on the couch. Acknowledge that you are not the only single, sad little lady in Miami and take comfort in that. 

Somewhere in the Universe there is another woman, sitting on her couch munching on pizza with platanos maduros watching New Girl. Be happy to have had someone to share Valentine's Day with and that every day should be about love. Tomorrow is just another day, not too different from others. If you feel down, call your family and friends to wish them a Happy Valentine's Day. Keep smiling throughout the day, because we will survive this.

Tip: Whatever you decide to do tomorrow, please let it be proactive. Keep in mind that if he wanted to, he'd call or text you. Do not make yourself available for disappointment or otherwise.

Namaste.

A pumpkin for Pumpkin

It has been done. I finally got it. It almost did not happen, but thanks to love and understanding of my friends everything worked out.

I also took my biggest step this morning and deleted it. I was given an opportunity earlier this week to really free myself of all temptations to communicate, but I had to share last night's experience first. I admit, I cried some, but it had to be done.

Anyway, I'm not feeling creative today.

See you kiddies.

Namaste.

It's a good feeling.

I feel good.

I feel happy.

For the first time in about 5 years - - I am finally feeling at home in my own skin.

Thank you for being there throughout  my journey and never giving up on me.

That's all I got before I get emotional. Again.

namaste.

102 and counting!

Tomorrow is the big day! I am beyond excited right now. I need these two days to fly, so I can be sitting getting my tattoo already. It has been extremely difficult to not post the design here or on Facebook, because I don't want to hear opinions. I also want the element of surprise on my side, because of the nature of the tattoo.

So I am writing my 102nd post - how cool is that? I cannot believe I have written 100+ posts - - it felt like it was just yesterday that I started writing again. I feel elated to have accomplished so much, especially since I was never a fan of letting people read my work. It also marks the days since the break up - how glad am I? Super!

It is actually comforting to me that I have made it past 100 + days intact. Yes, there have been more than enough bumps along my way, but I've managed to get up and dust myself off every single time. This is a testament to my strength and courage - 2 things I believed I sorely lacked. He told me on the 2nd day after our break up that I would be okay, because I was strong. I was of the strongest people he has ever met. I didn't believe him then - or 3 months later. At the moment I was dying inside (pretty much self-imploding) and the hurt was unbearable. So, I scoffed at the notion that I was strong.

Pfft. He was right, my family and friends were right.

It happens that he was right with a few things.

The Heartbreak Bible has proven to be quite a useful tool on my journey. I understand that some women aren't into the whole self help thing. My roommate for example, kinda just chuckled and shook her head when I should her the book. I for one, am open to try all sorts of different things. It's in my personality - I'm a dabbler. I'm also a believer that there are certain situations that require additional help outside of yourself.

It helps you to delve and dig deeper than you are probably willing to dig. I'm doing all the exercises which sometimes proves to be emotionally exhausting. Overall, I think it has contributed to this new phase/feeling that I seem to be entering. I won't dare say that I'm completely healed, but I'm starting to feel the first rays of hope. Let me tell you kiddies, it feels wonderful. I'm finally beginning to untangle myself and move more freely.

Tip: If you are still struggling with the hurt - try finding outside help. Positive help!! It doesn't have to be a self help book. It can be a friend, volunteering, therapy, writing - anything that you can draw strength from.

namaste.

Lovahs and Bike rides.

After 3 years of struggling with my weight, I received the best compliment recently: I'm beginning to look less chubby and just thick. Now, for most girls, this is Not a compliment - I'm not most girls. I have learned to embrace my curves.

I have worked damn hard these last 4 months and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Considering the event that has me led me here, it's important to feel good about yourself. After my break up I was left wondering if another man would find me as attractive, as sexy, as sweet as he once did. It's a terrible moment for  your ego - it's pretty much shot. In my case it did not help that I was over weight. There was a moment there that I thought, so, this is it, then.

No sir it is not. I work out to feel good about myself, the weight loss is a plus. Looks can only take you so far. He still finds me adorable and incredibly attractive, but is that enough? No, he is still not in love with me and I'm still falling out of love with him. I had a lot of fun when I was single a few years back. I went dancing, kept lovahs, but eventually it got old and the loneliness set in.

Perhaps this is why I'm not rushing into my old ways.
Perhaps this is why I have the ability to stay celibate for a year.
I am in no mood for quick physical satisfaction.
I want the moments in between.
I want to sit on a couch listening to music - just being in each others presence.
I want to go for a bike ride to grab some ice cream.
I want to hold hands while he's driving.

I rather take this time to heal, learn more about myself and what makes me tick. I rather take this time to do all those things that I put off for one reason or another.

Until I am ready to open myself to new possibilities - I am content to just be. It has taken me some time, but I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Tip: Continue to be strong, because whether you realize it or not - time is passing.

Namaste.

Battle Scars and Chastity Belts

More battle scars from crossFit! Blisters on both hands. Quiet painful and not very feminine. This weekend was filled with lots of movement. Crossfit, dancing and yoga!

Friday night was an unexpected outing, due to unintentionally setting myself up on a date of sorts. Needless to say I went to full panic mode and was scrambling to get out of it - thank the world for my bff. So, what would've been a night ending with an awkward "ain't gonna happen" moment - ended instead with a friendly kiss on the cheek.

Saturday morning was all about working out and creating more callouses on my once soft hands. Time with the family and evening with friends. I have become reacquainted with my dancing shoes and my, my isn't it liberating? I feel light on my feet again - I felt awkward before due to being uncomfortable with my body. Now? I'm your modern day Janet Jackson. Ha!

It is always infinitely more fun when you have fun people dancing with you. And what may have become a late/early Saturday tradition - 4 AM found us eating yummy croissants with mozzarella and basil.  I passed out at the bff's house, something I have not done in years. I always go home -always-even if the sun is coming out. Had an opportunity for much missed human interaction, but I had another panic attack.

So, I ended my weekend with my celibacy intact - but I shan't lie. It had nothing to do with my vow, but more with a fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. This is all new to me. I have never been one to shy way from sex or sexual encounters. I'm a big believer of if you have an itch and an opportunity to scratch, well, scratch away.

Just the idea of cuddling with a man sends me into panic overdrive. I did not expect the break up to mess me up in that department. I know I'm not ready to have sex with other people yet, but I wasn't aware that I was afraid to. Sheesh. I really am starting over from scratch. Ladies, if you too are suffering from this, do not - I repeat - do not compare yourself to your ex. Chances are, he is doing just dandy and is probably immune to this illness. The upside to this - being celibate isn't going to be too difficult.


Tip: Start exercising. I cannot begin to tell you the wonders of working out. I know it's hard to imagine even moving sometimes, but it will be worth it. Just having endorphins pumped into your system is reason enough. Exercising was my anchor, my buoy that kept me from drowning. I did not  begin working out to lose weight - I began working out for my sanity. So, do yourself a favor and go for a walk.

Namaste.

Merry Happy Joyious Friday!

Went by Einstein's and no wolf - just the hippie. I was so looking forward to taking a real picture of her.

This has been a rough week of late nights and long days. I'm going to do crossfit after work and then vegetate at home.

So Valentine's Day is in about 2 weeks - thank goodness it's on a week day. The closer we get, I will provide fun tips to survive the holiday of Love - - barf.

I saw the design for my Pumpkin tattoo and it's more than I expected. I cannot wait for next Thursday to roll around. I became a little emotional seeing the idea that was in my head, on paper - concrete. I cannot think of a better tattoo to celebrate my love and her life even as short as it was. It's been extremely difficult not being able to cultivate the garden I planted for her and DOG. To not be able to just visit the place where she ran around, slept, played and loved me has been quite a challenge.

It is getting easier since I received my very own Pumpkin ornament and now with this tattoo - she will be with me - - permanently. In missing Pumpkin and DOG, I also sorely miss Puma <3

Bear with me here as I may go off on a tangent. I have always been a champion for women's rights and this latest attack on Planned Parenthood has me up in arms! The Susan G. Komen Foundation has reversed it's funding decision - Victory!! Politicians have no place in the going ons in a woman's life. Whether a woman decides to have an abortion, or start birth control pills, or anything else for that matter should never be anybody's decision but her own.

That's all I got today kiddies. Not much. So sorry.

Tip: Do something for yourself this weekend. Yoga, your nails, buy a new book, get a hair cut or just stay at home and relax. Remember with each day that passes, is another step away from the hurt.

namaste.

Dusting myself off...

I failed myself last night. I've learned and will move forward.
This day next week I will be getting my Pumpkin tattoo (hopefully)! I am beyond excited, especially since I've had this idea for a while now.

I understand that some people will find it ridiculous to get a tattoo in remembrance of a dog - pfft. You're lucky I didn't decided to get her face tattooed to my leg or something. She was definitely pretty enough <3

On a side note: The wolf was there again. I'm going to need to start doing extra burpees if I keep up this Einstein habit. I have to go at least one more time to get an actual picture! I tried to be sneaky this morning,  but all I ended up with was a blurry fur thing.

As hard is it may be right now, it works - the distance. I feel a relief to be able to use my facebook without constantly scanning my chat list. Don't get it twisted, my want to see him is still there, but eventually with each passing day it will loosen it's grip - - right?

This "Breakup Bible" is no joke. I have been working on the same exercise for 3 days now and I'm still not finished. Phew! It is a lot of digging and scoops full of honesty, sprinkled with reality. It's for you, right? so there is no need for pretense.

I am finally getting fingerprinted on Monday, so fingers crossed I can start volunteering the following weekend! Can't wait to roll up my sleeves and start saving dogs and cats.

Tip: It's natural to feel lonely especially when ending a long term relationship, but staying home all the time is unhealthy. You need to get out and try new things. I for one am volunteering at my local animal shelter.

P.S. Okay, so those who are close to me know my feelings about the whole shaving/waxing thing. Why women can't just be in their natural glory - beats me. Anyway, I recently have decided to join the 21st century. No more painful waxing for this gal - thanks to an electrical razor. I'm taking this new chapter of my life to heart and going out on a limb here.

Feeling wolfy...

So, I didn't go to the tattoo parlor to get a quote on my Pumpkin tat. Sometimes, you have to put your wants aside and be there for the important people in your life.

Yesterday was about being the supportive daughter and best friend. The tattoo can wait. Well, at least till today :)

This morning I met a Timber wolf at an Einstein - of all places. She was magnificent in all her wolfy glory. This has made my morning! She wasn't very big, but she commanded attention and respect. You just never know what tomorrow may bring.

It's just like Life, to give you 2 crappy days only to surprise you with such a rare gift on a random Wednesday morning. I guess that's why one should never give up on Life - never know what's just around the corner.

I have been giving a sign of sorts this morning. Wolves are loyal, fearless, survivors, leaders - the list can go on and on. The Universe is letting me know that I will be okay, because I too am fearless and a survivor. I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking this is all just a bunch of hocus pocus, magical crap. Read "The Alchemist" and then come back to me with rolling eyes.

It's all about learning to listen to the Universe and your heart to lead you in the right direction. Everyone has a path to follow, but for the most part we let fear dictate our decisions and never fulfill our destiny. Anyway, my heart though damaged is wide open - a benefit from a broken heart - and I'm listening.

I'm on the right path and will continue with the 30 day Cleanse, 1 year of celibacy and everything else that's in my bag of tricks. And let me tell you ladies, yesterday was a tough day - I removed him again. Of course the need to reach out to him was instantaneous, but I fought it off. Here I am, another day, another opportunity for healing and growth.

I apologize for this uninspired post - my too tired brain's fault.

Namaste.

Tuesday, new day.

Tuesday = new day.

Yesterday was a hard day, but I came out on top. Had a nice hard crossfit workout and late in the evening a long walk with my roomie. Just those two things, made all the difference in the world.

I just have to accept that it's just going to be that kind of week. I cannot expect every day to be sunshine and rainbows, but I can keep a smile on my face even during the sucky days.

Perhaps, I am finally allowing myself to mourn the finality of it, the end, the period at the end of this sentence. I've worked so hard on being strong, keeping it together, pushing forward with burpees and box jumps. That's all fine and dandy and very much needed, but you have to get the grieving out or else it'll just fester.

Just be careful, because it is so easy to get lost in the grieving and become stuck. I have to reread the first few chapters of my book and continue to do the exercises. I  must remain focused on myself and discovering what it means to be Yesi at this present moment.


This too shall pass....

Namaste.

La dee da.

Woke up feeling a little funky today.

I feel profoundly, well, I'm not sure.
Lost? Sad? Bored? Unfulfilled?

So many times I'm functioning on automatic - just to not feel for a little while.

I am starting to wonder where I am in the healing process. It's safe to say that I yo-yo back and forth. I'm sure this is natural and I'm not the only one struggling.

Need food for thought.

P.s.

Ever have those, "Oh, it's really over, huh?" moments of disbelief?

I do.

And it sucks.

Checked out...Checked back in...

Friday. Yippee.

Can't think...I'll try this later.

Later...

Along with my year off, I'm trying a 30 day cleanse. I already created my chart. It's difficult to cut that last tie to each other. Like a dear friend of mine suggested: rip it off like a band aid.

Ladies, instead of using up our time and energy in trying to maintain some type of semblance of a relationship - focus on yourself. That's been the hardest part for me personally. To completely disengage. Apparently, and not surprising, it takes women a bit longer than men to fully disengage.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if you are having this issue, but I seem to have 0 pride when it comes to him. So, I'm going to try to repeat all of those cheesy one liners: You are a lioness, hear my roar! Even writing it makes me chuckle.

Alright my lionesses, have a wonderful weekend and remember: ROAR!!

Tip: Create a chart with 3 columns and 30 rows. One column: Day, Second column: Inspiration phrase and Third Column: How do you feel? -(fill this out at the end of the day). Here is your 30 day chart - to keep track of each day you fulfill without contact. Join me?

Namaste.

Ahoy!

Why do they insist on printing horizontal lines on tees for us curvy ladies?? Don't they know it only makes us look wider? Sheesh Louise!

I love the Sailor look as much as the next girl, but not to the expense of looking like a whale. It's enough that I have big boobs, I don't need them to look like floatation devices.

Perhaps it'll be safer if I just stick to accessories.

So, I have decided to really put my foot down and make an important decision. I'm already cringing at the thought, but it has to be done.

1 year of celibacy. Yep, you're reading correctly. A whole year of just me, myself and I. It's not like I am anywhere ready to have relations with the opposite sex at the moment. My vajajay is being very particular at this time, so it won't be too difficult.

I'd rather wait until I'm 110% healed, than have sex with someone and cry all over the guy. Not sexy. Let's not even get started with how un-sexy and unappealing I'm feeling right now. I feel good about myself and my weight loss, but it's personal, ya know? It's my own private victory.

Ladies,  you have to give yourself a chance. A chance to rediscover yourself, to reacquaint you with you, to participate in your healing process. I feel like many times we tell ourselves we're fine and jump into another relationship. Many times that relationship also ends and you're left broken - again. A relationship will only work when both parties have their luggage in check.

So, I am giving myself a fighting chance to come out on top - victorious.

I have so many issues that I have dragged from broken relationships into new ones. These issues complicate matters and all of sudden you want things that were never a priority. You want the house with the picket fence for all the wrong reasons. I projected my own failures and insecurities and injected them into my relationship. I am done. A lot of my crazy stems from daddy issues = severe abandonment issues. I am an incredibly proud woman, but not in the game of love. I never learn when to back off and usually become somewhat suffocating. You're probably thinking, ouch lady, no need to put yourself out there like that.

Yes, yes I do. First step to recovery is to identify the issue(s). I happen to have a plethora of issues, thus the year off. I know I am not alone in this and it's comforting.

Tip: Make a list of every little thing that you are grateful for and to. Doesn't matter how silly or random - write it down. Keep it with you and read it a few times a day when you are feeling dumpy. My list is still a work in progress as I think it should be.

Namaste.

Humpty Dumpty...

Juan Luis Guerra is coming to Miami on St. Patrick's Day which actually falls on a Saturday! Isn't this serendipitous?

We have to yet touch upon my obsession with Ireland and all things Irish. Needless to say that I love to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with the rest of the drunks.
I also happen to LOVE JLG, since I was a little girl. He brings back waves of warm happy memories pre-divorce days.

Moments with my dad - playing, dancing, or just sitting on his lap.

Moments of my parents dancing entangled in each other, practically floating - at least in my 6 year old mind.

Moments of laughter, of love and of forever.

Listening to JLG warms my heart and pains it at the same time. Christmas parties gurgle and push past the padlocked doors and rush into my head. The good ol' times - the happy times.
Besides all of that I fell in love with his music as a teenager and it has continued into adulthood. Now intermingled with memories of my dad, new memories of drives in the roaring, charging Mustang - fingers loosely touching as we hum along. It was common thread that tied each of us to our childhood and now to each other. Songs silently dedicated to each other.

JLG has also inspired many impromptu dance parties between my sister and I. One particular night will always stick out in my mind: my grandmother at the table working on her puzzle, my grandfather on his recliner and I'm on the computer. I opened up the world of Youtube to my grandmother and spent a good 2 hours looking up songs from the 20's, 40's and songs from my grandparent's relationship's soundtrack.

Okay, I've lost my focus.

Tip: Create a list of all the negative attributes your ex had. We tend to glorify them when the relationship ends. Keep this list with you and read it whenever you feel tempted to reach out to him or you're going through one your, "what did I do wrong?" moments.

Namaste.

10 year...

high school reunion is this year and it's freaking me out. How can it already be 10 years since my wonderful days in high school? I have never really felt old or older, but now I kinda do.

This ladies and gentlemen is cause for one of those moments I have previously mentioned. The moment where panic and despair meet again for Happy Hour. It has been 10 years of opportunities to make something of yourself, to cement your path in this life - no pressure.

I am not sure I have made proper use of these last 10 years and its freaking me out.

I have to make the next 10 years count, damn it! I have been shuffling along, crawling, rolling over, under and around life - at times participating, other times trying to quit it and most of the time just going with it.

For single people, its pressing your face up against the window and spying a lovely family having dinner. It's having to answer the, "Oh, so are you married? Kids?" -wince-

"No, I am actually a robot. I just recently found this out" - deep drink of whatever alcoholic beverage is in my hand at the time.

It's when you are faced with bunch of your peers and realize how behind you are. According to who, you may ask? I don't know, but you cannot deny the feeling of missing the train.

It is imperative that I finally finish school, in order to close this chapter that I have been dragging with me.

I am convinced the more I say it, write it, think it, I will finally be able to make my first payment. I am afraid of being thrust into the world of uncertainty.
Well, actually, I am becoming less afraid with every day I survive living on my own, every work out session, every oil change and so on.

Ladies we have the bad habit of wanting to share our path with our significant other and when he's not there - we kinda walk around with that lost look upon our face. It has been ingrained into our being by our upbringing, media, books even - that we should have a man to lean on & rely on.

-cough- Ahem -cough- Lies.

Let's see if we can find someone who is worthy of sharing our space. It is about value and character. I have to constantly remind myself that I deserve the best and he wasn't the best. This was a stepping stone to get closer to whatever is out there for me.

Another lesson I can't seem to learn - stop doubting yourself. It's okay to want to move in with him, to go on random adventures, to watch chick flicks with him. It is not about being needy, it is about feeling wanted. It is about the small things, i.e., texts to say I miss you, calls to share something unimportant. You should feel like you are that woman that he would go to the ends of the world for - nothing less.

Like I said, I'm still struggling with these lessons.

Tip: Create a safe space for yourself where you can relax, cry, write, read or whatever. A space you can escape to - your bedroom perhaps? Light candles, incense, comfy pillows, music whatever you need to relax you.

Namaste.

Apple of my eye...

I have a wonderful support system.

Had to remind myself...

Another wonderful weekend.

Once again, was lucky enough to spend another Sunday afternoon with my fellow Ram.

Update: I bought a self - help book, called "The Breakup Bible" - yes, yes I did. I didn't expect to purchase one, I actually went to B&N to grab - well, another type of self-help book. Ha. I was searching for help, but not in the relationship realm.
SO, I will be including helpful tips and ideas for anyone who is looking for tools to help them along this crappy road of recovery.

Good news! - I am on the right path and hopefully you are too.

The first step of healing: Accept that you are hurting and that it will take time. Accept that your emotions are natural. Have patience with yourself - still working on this.

I was told recently that I need to realize that I am someone else's self-help. That I am comforting others, just as this new book and Eat. Pray. Love have/are comforting me.

Pat on my back. Tip: Reward yourself for the good moments.

Getting my finger printing tomorrow and then I shall be an official Animal Shelter Volunteer!

*need to carry around a pocket Dictionary

!Bought a new pair of jeans - 12!

We are all in this together.
Namaste.


*Courtesy of D

Saturday Night - Fun.

Don't you love when you drag yourself out of bed and go out with friends, only to have a lovely time?

I do. I did.

Drank.
Danced.
Laughed.
Ate.

Perfection.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

This morning I found underneath the passenger seat of my car, a card with a Buddhist prayer. This card has traveled with me from my days in Tallahassee. I actually thought I had finally lost it, until today. I find this to be a significant discovery -or-rediscovery.

On a side note: You'd be proud of me. I went to the food trucks last night and had an Italian Sausage with onions and peppers. That's right - onions. Needless to say I picked most of them off, but I ate a few of the stragglers.

I am finally going on a date tonight, well, maybe. This Friday night, may be a movie night.

A friend of mine was complaining that I need to stop wearing baggy clothing. I may heed this piece of advice, because it comes from a man, and perhaps it is time to stop hiding. For so long I dressed for comfort and mostly to hide all the weight that I had unknowingly gained.

I am feeling good about myself - I've lost weight - inches, actually. Yet, I am still dressing the fat girl. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to put myself out there. I don't want to call attention, I don't want to be approached. You feel me, ladies.

Perhaps I will start updating my wardrobe - in between - meditations & baggy shorts.

Namaste.