Organized Mayhem

Immediate To Do List 

1. Go to volunteer training
2. Start exercising again
3. Begin organizing belongings
4. Collect boxes
5. Start packing books
6. Get an oil change
7. Tire rotation and alignment
8. Buy new windshield wipers
9. Renew registration
10. Pay ticket

Long Term To Do List

1. return to my children books idea
2. begin researching career options
3. pursue MA?
4. move?
5. teach abroad?
6. IRELAND
7. Graduate
8.  write
9. cook
10. get another dog

Sometimes  I have to write things down or else I will lose them. Lately I've had so many ideas, thoughts, goals crowding my brain. I feel like if I don't write them down I'll never accomplish any of them. So, I've created something of a checklist for myself.

Maintaining my car for example, is something that I have been putting off and I can't. The mechanic even gave me a to do list for my car and I haven't checked one thing off.

I need to gather myself and focus on my needs, wants - what makes me tick. I really liked the person I was becoming: energetic, positive, happier. This is what happens when you don't break the cycle the first time around. Instead you get hurt all over again, cry all over again, feel heartbroken all over again.

I've made a few decisions lately - some while in the middle of emotional turmoil (so they will probably change) and others with a calm mind. I've decided that once I graduate the world will be open to me. I may decide to relocate (depending really how far along I am with this whole healing thing).

This next decision will cause many to roll their eyes. I can hear the old tired, "Oh, you're just feeling like this now, but you'll find someone else". Now I'm not going to argue, because it may be true or maybe not. What I do know is that I honestly don't feel like starting over with anyone. I don't feel like sharing any part of myself with anyone. I don't feel like playing the getting to know you game. I don't want first kisses, first hugs, first dates. I don't want to give my number to anyone. I don't want to ever, ever wait for anyone. I will never, ever surrender myself to anyone again. It is a tiring game that I am opting out of. I'm not bitter - I just don't have the energy nor the desire to experience falling in love or the like.

I don't want to get married or have kids. Many women are probably shaking their heads at this. Right now this is the path I want to take and I'm okay with it. My 9 year old self had it right - school, career, travel, friends, family, dogs. 

Tip: Learn to rely on yourself and stop finding reasons to contact him.

namaste.