Welcome home...

Hello world. It has certainly been a long time since my last post.
I have seemed to have lost my inspiration for this and for a few other things.
Not sure what is going on currently, but I am in a rut.

It has been as of late this feeling of sadness.
Unfortunately I am a terrible example of being single in your late twenties.
I am a better of example of what not to do and how to maneuver this emotional roller coaster.

I am not out there dating, nor do I want to date.
I am not willing to put myself out there.
I have zero experience with the single world.

I am bitter.
I am hurt.
I am empty.

There's nothing left for me to give.
Putting yourself back together takes time - lots of time.
I'm still falling out - begrudgingly so.

So it's one day at a time.
Right?

namaste.

I need a holiday...

Home is where ever I'm with you.

How hard it is to let that go. So very hard.

Home let me come home. I am home, home is when I'm alone with you.

How difficult it is to accept the loss of your home. I can barely breathe.

Flashes of what your future was supposed to be - haunt your thoughts.

one day at a time.

namaste.

Let it burn...

This is the fuel of my fire. The reminder that I have an excess amount of strength if I just believe in myself.

I need to stop worrying, stressing and being afraid of what the future may bring. I owe it to myself to live in the moment. I cannot afford to not learn from my past mistakes. Life is about now - not then.

Every day I have to remind myself that I survived my 1st heart break and yes, I realize I was younger, but I survived it. At the time I had no idea how long it would take, what it would take and where I would be when I finally knew I had healed.

I'm realizing I haven't allowed myself to grieve. Instead I push myself to move forward, to work it out, to not think about it. I chastise myself when I cry or when I miss him. In a blink of an eye I lost my life mate, best friend, lover and our dog.

The sooner I allow myself to mourn, the sooner I can move on to a healthier path. I don't want to be left an empty bitter shell of a woman. Am I going to be somewhat traumatized? Yea. Definitely.

Perhaps I can manage to salvage some part of that Old Yesi - the caring, giving, all of nothing Yesi - using all of my tools and systems.

That's all I can hope for - that and a happier tomorrow.

Down & Dirty

I accomplished one of my goals this past weekend. I completed my very first 5K with obstacles. Thanks to my best friend for encouraging me to join her.

It was such an amazing experience - one that I can't wait to repeat.
It is in those moments that I realize my strength - literally and figuratively.
With each obstacle completed it was an affirmation that I am a survivor.

I have survived life. I have survived loss. I will survive this.

Overwhelming happiness is the only way to express how I felt when I reached that finish line.
I had to trudge through a mud pit thick and deep. With each pull, each thrust forward, I knew that right now I'm still swimming in the mud.

Unlike Sunday, I have let myself sort of flail around without much progression. I have lost sight of my goals and what it is that I have set for myself. No more.

Tomorrow I will be turning over a new leaf - finally. Hm, perhaps I should give myself a break. Tomorrow will be another step taken in the right direction.

It is not my job to change someone's opinion of me. I am who I am and if you cannot accept that or remember that - oh well.

I know what my issues are and I realize that until I address them, I will never be free to really move forward. It is high time that I find a solution. I was not able to conquer my issues before, but I'm a different person.

This time I have an amazing support system in place and I have crossfit.

It's been a while...

not much as occurred since my last blog.
I've been an emotional monster since I've moved back home.


Crossfit 101 is kicking my butt.
Doing my very 1st 5K this Sunday...I'm going to die.
I will be happy just to complete the course.

Have all my things in order in regards to school.
Now I just have to wait to receive the Financial Aid award.
Have an interview on Tuesday for FIU - yippee.

Fingers, toes, eyes crossed! Light them candles!