Tuesday, new day.

Tuesday = new day.

Yesterday was a hard day, but I came out on top. Had a nice hard crossfit workout and late in the evening a long walk with my roomie. Just those two things, made all the difference in the world.

I just have to accept that it's just going to be that kind of week. I cannot expect every day to be sunshine and rainbows, but I can keep a smile on my face even during the sucky days.

Perhaps, I am finally allowing myself to mourn the finality of it, the end, the period at the end of this sentence. I've worked so hard on being strong, keeping it together, pushing forward with burpees and box jumps. That's all fine and dandy and very much needed, but you have to get the grieving out or else it'll just fester.

Just be careful, because it is so easy to get lost in the grieving and become stuck. I have to reread the first few chapters of my book and continue to do the exercises. I  must remain focused on myself and discovering what it means to be Yesi at this present moment.


This too shall pass....

Namaste.

La dee da.

Woke up feeling a little funky today.

I feel profoundly, well, I'm not sure.
Lost? Sad? Bored? Unfulfilled?

So many times I'm functioning on automatic - just to not feel for a little while.

I am starting to wonder where I am in the healing process. It's safe to say that I yo-yo back and forth. I'm sure this is natural and I'm not the only one struggling.

Need food for thought.

P.s.

Ever have those, "Oh, it's really over, huh?" moments of disbelief?

I do.

And it sucks.

Checked out...Checked back in...

Friday. Yippee.

Can't think...I'll try this later.

Later...

Along with my year off, I'm trying a 30 day cleanse. I already created my chart. It's difficult to cut that last tie to each other. Like a dear friend of mine suggested: rip it off like a band aid.

Ladies, instead of using up our time and energy in trying to maintain some type of semblance of a relationship - focus on yourself. That's been the hardest part for me personally. To completely disengage. Apparently, and not surprising, it takes women a bit longer than men to fully disengage.

Anyhow, I'm not sure if you are having this issue, but I seem to have 0 pride when it comes to him. So, I'm going to try to repeat all of those cheesy one liners: You are a lioness, hear my roar! Even writing it makes me chuckle.

Alright my lionesses, have a wonderful weekend and remember: ROAR!!

Tip: Create a chart with 3 columns and 30 rows. One column: Day, Second column: Inspiration phrase and Third Column: How do you feel? -(fill this out at the end of the day). Here is your 30 day chart - to keep track of each day you fulfill without contact. Join me?

Namaste.

Ahoy!

Why do they insist on printing horizontal lines on tees for us curvy ladies?? Don't they know it only makes us look wider? Sheesh Louise!

I love the Sailor look as much as the next girl, but not to the expense of looking like a whale. It's enough that I have big boobs, I don't need them to look like floatation devices.

Perhaps it'll be safer if I just stick to accessories.

So, I have decided to really put my foot down and make an important decision. I'm already cringing at the thought, but it has to be done.

1 year of celibacy. Yep, you're reading correctly. A whole year of just me, myself and I. It's not like I am anywhere ready to have relations with the opposite sex at the moment. My vajajay is being very particular at this time, so it won't be too difficult.

I'd rather wait until I'm 110% healed, than have sex with someone and cry all over the guy. Not sexy. Let's not even get started with how un-sexy and unappealing I'm feeling right now. I feel good about myself and my weight loss, but it's personal, ya know? It's my own private victory.

Ladies,  you have to give yourself a chance. A chance to rediscover yourself, to reacquaint you with you, to participate in your healing process. I feel like many times we tell ourselves we're fine and jump into another relationship. Many times that relationship also ends and you're left broken - again. A relationship will only work when both parties have their luggage in check.

So, I am giving myself a fighting chance to come out on top - victorious.

I have so many issues that I have dragged from broken relationships into new ones. These issues complicate matters and all of sudden you want things that were never a priority. You want the house with the picket fence for all the wrong reasons. I projected my own failures and insecurities and injected them into my relationship. I am done. A lot of my crazy stems from daddy issues = severe abandonment issues. I am an incredibly proud woman, but not in the game of love. I never learn when to back off and usually become somewhat suffocating. You're probably thinking, ouch lady, no need to put yourself out there like that.

Yes, yes I do. First step to recovery is to identify the issue(s). I happen to have a plethora of issues, thus the year off. I know I am not alone in this and it's comforting.

Tip: Make a list of every little thing that you are grateful for and to. Doesn't matter how silly or random - write it down. Keep it with you and read it a few times a day when you are feeling dumpy. My list is still a work in progress as I think it should be.

Namaste.

Humpty Dumpty...

Juan Luis Guerra is coming to Miami on St. Patrick's Day which actually falls on a Saturday! Isn't this serendipitous?

We have to yet touch upon my obsession with Ireland and all things Irish. Needless to say that I love to celebrate St. Patrick's Day with the rest of the drunks.
I also happen to LOVE JLG, since I was a little girl. He brings back waves of warm happy memories pre-divorce days.

Moments with my dad - playing, dancing, or just sitting on his lap.

Moments of my parents dancing entangled in each other, practically floating - at least in my 6 year old mind.

Moments of laughter, of love and of forever.

Listening to JLG warms my heart and pains it at the same time. Christmas parties gurgle and push past the padlocked doors and rush into my head. The good ol' times - the happy times.
Besides all of that I fell in love with his music as a teenager and it has continued into adulthood. Now intermingled with memories of my dad, new memories of drives in the roaring, charging Mustang - fingers loosely touching as we hum along. It was common thread that tied each of us to our childhood and now to each other. Songs silently dedicated to each other.

JLG has also inspired many impromptu dance parties between my sister and I. One particular night will always stick out in my mind: my grandmother at the table working on her puzzle, my grandfather on his recliner and I'm on the computer. I opened up the world of Youtube to my grandmother and spent a good 2 hours looking up songs from the 20's, 40's and songs from my grandparent's relationship's soundtrack.

Okay, I've lost my focus.

Tip: Create a list of all the negative attributes your ex had. We tend to glorify them when the relationship ends. Keep this list with you and read it whenever you feel tempted to reach out to him or you're going through one your, "what did I do wrong?" moments.

Namaste.

10 year...

high school reunion is this year and it's freaking me out. How can it already be 10 years since my wonderful days in high school? I have never really felt old or older, but now I kinda do.

This ladies and gentlemen is cause for one of those moments I have previously mentioned. The moment where panic and despair meet again for Happy Hour. It has been 10 years of opportunities to make something of yourself, to cement your path in this life - no pressure.

I am not sure I have made proper use of these last 10 years and its freaking me out.

I have to make the next 10 years count, damn it! I have been shuffling along, crawling, rolling over, under and around life - at times participating, other times trying to quit it and most of the time just going with it.

For single people, its pressing your face up against the window and spying a lovely family having dinner. It's having to answer the, "Oh, so are you married? Kids?" -wince-

"No, I am actually a robot. I just recently found this out" - deep drink of whatever alcoholic beverage is in my hand at the time.

It's when you are faced with bunch of your peers and realize how behind you are. According to who, you may ask? I don't know, but you cannot deny the feeling of missing the train.

It is imperative that I finally finish school, in order to close this chapter that I have been dragging with me.

I am convinced the more I say it, write it, think it, I will finally be able to make my first payment. I am afraid of being thrust into the world of uncertainty.
Well, actually, I am becoming less afraid with every day I survive living on my own, every work out session, every oil change and so on.

Ladies we have the bad habit of wanting to share our path with our significant other and when he's not there - we kinda walk around with that lost look upon our face. It has been ingrained into our being by our upbringing, media, books even - that we should have a man to lean on & rely on.

-cough- Ahem -cough- Lies.

Let's see if we can find someone who is worthy of sharing our space. It is about value and character. I have to constantly remind myself that I deserve the best and he wasn't the best. This was a stepping stone to get closer to whatever is out there for me.

Another lesson I can't seem to learn - stop doubting yourself. It's okay to want to move in with him, to go on random adventures, to watch chick flicks with him. It is not about being needy, it is about feeling wanted. It is about the small things, i.e., texts to say I miss you, calls to share something unimportant. You should feel like you are that woman that he would go to the ends of the world for - nothing less.

Like I said, I'm still struggling with these lessons.

Tip: Create a safe space for yourself where you can relax, cry, write, read or whatever. A space you can escape to - your bedroom perhaps? Light candles, incense, comfy pillows, music whatever you need to relax you.

Namaste.

Apple of my eye...

I have a wonderful support system.

Had to remind myself...

Another wonderful weekend.

Once again, was lucky enough to spend another Sunday afternoon with my fellow Ram.

Update: I bought a self - help book, called "The Breakup Bible" - yes, yes I did. I didn't expect to purchase one, I actually went to B&N to grab - well, another type of self-help book. Ha. I was searching for help, but not in the relationship realm.
SO, I will be including helpful tips and ideas for anyone who is looking for tools to help them along this crappy road of recovery.

Good news! - I am on the right path and hopefully you are too.

The first step of healing: Accept that you are hurting and that it will take time. Accept that your emotions are natural. Have patience with yourself - still working on this.

I was told recently that I need to realize that I am someone else's self-help. That I am comforting others, just as this new book and Eat. Pray. Love have/are comforting me.

Pat on my back. Tip: Reward yourself for the good moments.

Getting my finger printing tomorrow and then I shall be an official Animal Shelter Volunteer!

*need to carry around a pocket Dictionary

!Bought a new pair of jeans - 12!

We are all in this together.
Namaste.


*Courtesy of D

Saturday Night - Fun.

Don't you love when you drag yourself out of bed and go out with friends, only to have a lovely time?

I do. I did.

Drank.
Danced.
Laughed.
Ate.

Perfection.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

This morning I found underneath the passenger seat of my car, a card with a Buddhist prayer. This card has traveled with me from my days in Tallahassee. I actually thought I had finally lost it, until today. I find this to be a significant discovery -or-rediscovery.

On a side note: You'd be proud of me. I went to the food trucks last night and had an Italian Sausage with onions and peppers. That's right - onions. Needless to say I picked most of them off, but I ate a few of the stragglers.

I am finally going on a date tonight, well, maybe. This Friday night, may be a movie night.

A friend of mine was complaining that I need to stop wearing baggy clothing. I may heed this piece of advice, because it comes from a man, and perhaps it is time to stop hiding. For so long I dressed for comfort and mostly to hide all the weight that I had unknowingly gained.

I am feeling good about myself - I've lost weight - inches, actually. Yet, I am still dressing the fat girl. Or perhaps I'm just not ready to put myself out there. I don't want to call attention, I don't want to be approached. You feel me, ladies.

Perhaps I will start updating my wardrobe - in between - meditations & baggy shorts.

Namaste.

rebirth

That is my word: rebirth.

Sorry, was watching Eat. Pray. Love. last night and they were talking about what word they each were.

Mine is rebirth.

I just want to take a minute to recognize a little soul that has passed on to purr his way around the clouds:

Pochacco the cat.

Pets definitely make your world so much more bearable. It is impossible to not miss their presence once they are gone.

Just like that, life changes.

Blink. Change. Blink.

Smile. It will get. Better.

Eventually.

Namaste.

Wombi Womba Wednesday

Alert the press! I am a bit  more in control this morning. Vegetating at home watching the Heat game with the roomie and GG sure beat crying in bed. It was exactly what I needed, sporadic laughter over stupidity and watching my love raptor play hard.

Its always easier to feel sorry for yourself, than to fight and smile.

I have my volunteer orientation on Saturday at the animal shelter. I am so excited! It has been such a long time that I've been wanting to join a organization, but I've been too scared. I was waiting to find a partner to join me in a cause, but I'm done waiting. It also happens to be something very dear to my heart.

Through hard work, washing of dogs, helping dogs find new homes - my healing will really begin. I have so much hurt still; hurt from Pumpkin's death and my break up. I am hoping to channel my hurt into positive energy helping out these poor souls who just want love and a place to call home. I cannot think of a better way to honor Pumpkin's memory.

The Universe is about life, death and rebirth. I am still going through the growing pains. It was time for change, contrary to my protests. The hardest part is accepting that this was the road your relationship was going and whether it happened now or 3 years down the road - the end would be the same. We each took what we needed from one another -I just wasn't quite ready to stop giving.

Anyway, just because this never fails to make me smile and because he did such a good job yesterday:

Namaste.

Tragic Tuesday -the drama-

Yes, this is definitely going to be a tough week.
Facebook is the devil and my lack of will power the knife that sticks in my heart.
I just want to leave...for a while.
Change a scenery, change of faces and places - rhymes

I need a break. I wish I had a place to go during this hellish week and come back when I'm in control again.

Crazy Yesi is prone to make appearances in these moments. Forget about love and light. You want answers.

It's not about having time, it's not wanting to take the time. There's the difference and therein lies the hurt.

Tough week indeed. These are the true tests, the ones where you want to just curl up defeated.
I won't though. I will not. I cannot help it if things did not work out the way I had planned.

You know what? It is okay to have these days. It is okay to feel your heart break as you watch from the outside.

-barf- I'm disgusted with myself.

Go forward with smiles my children. Just another bump in this seemingly endless road.

Namaste.

Sleepy, Fuzzy Brained Monday...

Once again another wonderful weekend has come to an end.
Merry Monday morning!
It was another weekend filled with old friends, family and dancing.
Strawberry cake, red wine and cheese dip were also involved.

Despite it all, there was still a lot of love and light  being sent.
It's an old record that is scratched and beat up - stuck on repeat.
It's a thought that is constantly constant.
A habit I cannot seem to break.
A sentence that always begins with: I wonder...
It's the face that I go to sleep to and wake up thinking about.
The scene that replays in my head, always friends, always okay.

It's the example I always use in stories...
Oh yea, we did that one time...or...we ate there a few years ago...
I am waiting for the "we" to melt into "I".

I am certain that I am not alone when I say that the week of PMSing, happens to be the hardest.
I literally woke up this morning feeling blue. Uh oh. There's not enough meds in the world to help you - just sheer will power. In the past, this would be the week that I'd call and have a break down. Glad, I have left those conversations behind. Instead, I sit and write about my sorrow - how dramatic.

Like Joel Barrish, I'm rushing to save our  memories that are beginning to fuzz at the corners. It is a futile task - you cannot fight time and the time in between.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

Namaste.

The 13th...

Merry, happy Friday the 13th!

It has dawned on me that my birthday is creeping up on me. I shudder to think that I am going to be a whole year older. I am getting closer to 30 and will be slamming right into it sooner rather than later. I much prefer later over sooner - anytime.

Now this where most women start hearing their biological ticking 24/7. Tick tock when you fall asleep, tick tock when you wake up, showering, brushing teeth, drinking. It becomes louder and louder the closer you get to your birthday.

All of sudden, you feel inadequate because there isn't a ring on your finger and stretch marks on your belly to prove that you had indeed experienced child birth. The constant comparisons begin, and you are off to the races! You count how many in your group are married, in a relationship, have a career and the despair sets in. gasp! Little ol' you - single, still working towards your BA, bad credit - pitiful.

Panic then tags out despair. Oh no, are you going to be that woman at weddings drinking away her misery? You start finding cats cute and may even adopt one. Again, gasp! You are one step away from being the old maid of the family.

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TICK TIC TI T...

I am starting a revolution. I am going to drown out that incessant tick tocking with fun, writing, friends, volunteering and laughter. That's right, I am going to laugh at all the "when are you getting married?" I shall respond to all with "Ask the Universe". I am living life on my borrowed time.

So punch despair and panic in their face and embrace life as it is. If there is one hard lesson that I have finally learned is - it's about timing. You cannot fight time or the Universe. From my own over analytical conclusion, we weren't destined for forever, but instead for time being - that time has passed. It's hard to understand when you are standing or curled up in the thick of it. You throw your fist angrily into the air damning Fate and all the mystic stuff.

Now with the last few waves of the storm pushing past you - you're left with the hard truth. You both were on different paths and different moments of your lives. Okay, it was more that I had become the monkey on his back, allowing him to carry my weight. I had hung up my towel, content to just live through him.

So arm yourself with Truth and Belief and stomp out that clock. Breathe easy. Just breathe.

Namaste.

I don't know...

Namaste.

Blank. Blank.

Thank you for getting me here. Thank you for tearing down my walls. Thank you for the eye opener.

Life is an adventure in forgiveness.

Namaste.

Love yourself...

One of my goals that I have set for myself is to experience things alone. Such as: going to the movies, eating out, going to gatherings - you get the idea.
I think it is healthy for newly single people to do this in order to prove to themselves that they are okay in their skin.

It will not be so difficult for me, because I've done this before. Admittedly I have become somewhat hesitant because I did come to rely on his company for mostly everything. I have gone to the movies alone before and I have had many meals at a table for one.

Last night I went to the jacuzzi alone and was okay until a group of kids showed up to smoke out. I felt uncomfortable being seen alone in a jacuzzi. Ridiculous as it may seem, it did bother me. So, I did what any other girl would do; I forced myself to stay for at least another 10 minutes before nonchalantly getting out.

 http://www.elle.com/Life-Love/Ask-E.-Jean/Ask-E.-Jean-25-Things-Every-Woman-Should-Know

I just read this article and I think every woman out there should too. It is honest, witty and up front. I am getting into the habit of reading articles in blogs, magazines, whatever. Most times I walk away with something new to think about.

Anyway, it is time to feed this new relationship with yourself. Whether it be a new hair cut, a massage, flowers, whatever - just do it.

Namaste.

With all my gratitude...

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.” 

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

“When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.” 

These last few days have been eye openers. It is time and I am ready. I have found the lesson and with that - The end.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/08/08/12-ways-to-get-a-second-chance-in-life/

I am replacing my hurt with love. I suspect I won't be consistent right away. For now though, I'll take what reprieve I get. At the moment I'm smiling, sending love and light to him.
It's finally happening. I can begin to feel the weight lift from my shoulders, my heart.
I am done wishing for the past and hoping for the future. I am made of tougher stuff.
I miss him. He misses me.
That is okay. It is okay to miss someone.
I have my own path to carve and I'm breathing easy again.

namaste.

Dark Chocolate Mondays.

I dislike waking up on Mondays.
I had a lovely weekend.
Ate yummy food, sang happy songs, drank warm wine.
Impromptu karaoke sessions are the best.
Croissant sandwiches with fresh mozzarella and basil = buttery heaven.

I feel good about myself.
I am beginning to feel good about the direction I am taking.
It's time to tie up loose ends.
Now that I know what I want; its time to get to work.

My life is finally beginning to feel normal.
The gaping empty hole is starting to get smaller.
The memories are becoming hazy, dream like.

I want only love and light.
Namaste.

A little of Brie with that...

Last night was a great night. I hung out with old friends, chatted up new ones and ate yummy cheese.

Nice start, 2012.

Thanks.

Namaste.

Splitting at the Seams...

So, it's the afternoon and I still don't know what to write about today. It's just been that kind of week.

During this whole ordeal that I have been going through the thought currently occurred to me, that am I hurt over the love lost or the idea that I had.

Initially the hurt was very real, almost too real. Now though, I wonder what it is that I'm hurting over. I love the man, but am I really still that IN love with him? Also, perhaps, I'm more hurt because of the what could have been or what was supposed to be.

I still miss having direct contact with him and I miss just being with him. I just don't know how deep the hurt goes anymore.

It's awful to have your hopes dashed away, but that's all they were. It's hard to remain down about a what should have...


Okay, time to feed the worm in my stomach.

Namaste.

It's like pulling teeth...

My brain seems to be malfunctioning today. I have been coming back to this blank page hoping inspiration will strike. Nope.

Forgive me, but I'm going to veer away from the whole broken heart wah wah theme for a moment.

For the last few years I have been struggling to feed my spiritual hunger. When I was a little girl, I was quite religious, well, spiritual is more fitting. I had conversations with God every night before going to sleep. Yes, they were two way conversations. We traveled to Conyers, GA to visit Nancy (gave messages from the Virgin Mary) and I believed so much I thought I saw the Virgin herself.

I was never a huge fan of church, but I went most Saturdays. Anyway, the older I became less religiously inclined. I instead turned to philosophy and discovered Buddhism. I did my research, bought books, started meditating, but I didn't feel fulfilled. It felt almost insincere from my part and it felt forced. I needed more education and so I enrolled into a Introduction to Buddhism once in FIU. I loved the course and my professor was a practicing Buddhist. With my head full of knowledge I still didn't feel genuine.

I need a guide or a teacher. So, if someone can please explain to me what the necessary steps are; I'd appreciate it. I sorta gave up for the last year or two and dabbled in Santeria (nothing serious), self help books and whatever. Buddhism has always been there though, I can't seem to shake it. So this last month I returned to my research and I want prayer beads. It definitely has to do with Eat. Pray. Love. except that she had a guru. Her journey has rekindled my fire for knowledge and self awareness.

Unfortunately, living in Miami, I find it difficult to find people or places that may help me on my journey.

I'm taking a new approach this time. I'm going to start yoga and meditating. I will purchase a set of prayer beads to help with the meditating because my brain tends to wander. I just need to start, because reading and researching is bogging me down.

I'm bringing you on this journey as well. Why stop at heartbreakville, when we can go all the way to Enlightenment?

Namaste.

Chilled.

Let it go. Why can't it be as easy as pie?

I hope all my single friends had a wonderful New Year, with lots of drinking and dancing.
I have been giving everything some thought (nothing new here) and I've decided something has to give.

Being a huge fan of the "The Alchemist", I cannot ignore that the Universe is speaking to me. Like most people who don't like what it's saying; I have been ignoring the message. It's written all over my 2012 horoscopes, random articles friends have posted, online articles and in my head. Coelho encourages the reader to listen to their heart and it will never lead you astray.

Well, listen here Coelho, my heart is pretty damaged and a bit love drunk - so what now?

“Life's as kind as you let it be.” - Bukowski

Ain't that the truth. Well, with Eat. Pray. Love. as my bible, Bukowski as my guide and a little luck - Life is going soften up.

Namaste.

Resolutions - Transformations

"this year you'll have to trust that life sometimes brings you what you need at the expense of what you want."
 -A truer statement cannot exist.

"change can be exhilarating if you release your grip on the past and the specific demands of ego."
-How incredibly impossible this seems.

"Never has the impetus to know yourself, own your core values (even if it means going against the grain) and possess your truth been more essential."
- Seems as though I am always on this journey.

New Year Resolution(s):

• Have no fear
• Volunteer at Animal Shelter
• Continue CrossFit aka DeathFit
• Begin repaying FIU
• Settle debts
• Let it all go and leave it to the Universe

I hate to call these "New Year Resolutions", so instead I'll refer to them as goals. These are the goals I have set for myself from this moment until forever. Last year ended with my life in an upheaval and transformation.

This year is going to be about trying to figure out what I really want for myself. 
This year will be about finally, finally learning to stop trying to control things.
This year will hopefully be about healing and finding peace within myself.

I want to be able to break the cycle. I need to rekindle the relationship with myself  and fall in love with myself again.

Namaste.

2012

So, it's the 2nd day of 2012 and I've checked my horoscope for the year. I must admit that my horoscopes for 2012 coincides perfectly with the events in my life.
It's all about self discovery and self love. This is my break out year! Yipee.