IRS - you suck.

Thank you for once more throwing a wrench in my progress.
It seems that I'm so very close and yet not close at all.
I just want to be able to register for classes and then it will be real.
I'm on the right path but it's not enough, I need to have a class schedule in my hands.

I'm officially back at my grandparent's house -sigh-
Amid all of my emotional turmoil, the bittersweet decision I have made - I can't deny the sense of peace I feel.
Being in their presence usually almost makes me feel at peace.


namaste.

Day by Day

I have to focus on moving...
Harassing the IRS - they're the only thing holding my financial aid back.
Creating my new room...I have till June to figure out what I want.
Find khaki pants - no, I have not started volunteering, but I will.

Finally going to join a crossfit gym.
May register for the Down & Dirty...if I don't chicken out.
Need to start taking care of my car...oil change most importantly.
Pay 1st half of FIU.

This is where my resolve begins to weaken.
Soldier on. That's all I can do.

namaste.

The 28 year old me...

So I helped my cousin (1st year in college) write her first MLA paper.
Oh boy.
I'm not sure I'm prepared to go back to school. There is so much that I have forgotten over the last 3 years.
Dinosaur. That's what I felt like last night. My brain was rusty and it took forever to be able to formulate one sentence.
I sincerely hope it's like riding a bike - you  never forget.
Let me tell you one thing: It felt absolutely wonderful to have my creative juices flowing.
I swear I could feel my brain pulsating with each thought.
I'm somewhere between scared sh*tless and beyond excited.
I don't know how I'm going to measure up to this young students.
Here's hoping that these last 3 years and my experiences will somehow come in handy.
My views and ideas have shifted substantially since I was 24-25.


Soon enough we will know whether this 28 year old gal, still has what it takes.

namaste.

Hiatus...

The cruise was lovely - a bit stressful at times.
It has been a tough month thus far, but I'm looking forward.
I'm also taking a break from couples...4 days surrounded by them, ain't easy.

I have officially finished packing away my books.
In 2 weeks, I'll be back in the safety of my grandparent's home.
It is not a step backward (that's how it feels to me), but a necessary move to move forward.

August couldn't get here any quicker. I want to blink and be walking to my first class.
More immediate issues are wearing me down.
Jerk boss, for example. I would love to send him to friar papas.
I'm stuck until I find another job, hopefully in FIU.

To most people's disbelief, ladies and gentlemen, it has happened.
After so many months, the chapter is finally coming to an end. I feel it in my bones, in my broken heart.
No one should have so much power over you, not matter how much love there is.

I  no longer fear the end, but instead am saddened by it. I know our future will be one without a friendship. I suspect there will always be water under the bridge. I am coming to terms with that as well, though it is made easier because he has changed so much.

So, bring it on. Bring the literature, the papers, the mid-terms and finals. I am ready. Absolutely ready to drown in it.

namaste.

It's Finally Here!

Leaving on a cruise line...don't know when I'll be back again.

My entire body will sigh in relief when I finally step foot on the boat.
It's been a tough month thus far, but there have been lessons learned.

There's no time to expound on these lessons and/or realizations. You discover something new about yourself everyday - positive and negative.

namaste.

2 more days...

Had a serious work out last night - much needed. I pushed myself until my legs were burning and lungs were going to burst. It felt amazing.

namaste.

3 days...

until we sail away into the sunset with a drink in each hand.
These past few days have been eye opening and filled with life lessons.
I came face to face with the undeniable truth that I am still very much in love.

I also came face to face with various solutions or paths to be taken.
It is time I stop living my life according to the break-up.
It is time I stop marking each event according to how long it has been since I've spoken to him.

My life has remained entangled with his even if he's an unwilling participant. Watching someone move on is a hard pill to swallow, but that is all you will ever be doing - watching. I must unravel myself from the sticky web I have created.

There is an opportunity at hand, an opportunity for my new chapter to be cleansed of him. It is unfortunate that I've never been good at letting go. I'm a fighter. The more impossible the fight, the more veracious I am. This can go wrong in so many instances - this definitely being one of them.

I have also realized that I have only so many spoons and I need to stop using them on this.

So. When I wake up in the morning, it's not going to be about surviving another day without engaging with him. Instead it will be about surviving the day - period. It is time I begin making my peace with this and myself.

Tip: Stop analyzing ways to letting go or questioning your own motives. Just take each day as they come, according to you.

namaste.

Are we there?

???

What does it all mean?

Has all my hard work been for naught?

Have I been fooling myself all along?

How was I supposed to react?

I recognize that he has cast a spell on me - useless now.

I thought I was moving forward slowly, but surely.

In just 30 minutes all of my efforts seemed silly and empty.

I don't want to be that woman that lives the rest of her life pining over lost love.

How did it get to this? How did he get under my skin and has managed to remain there?

I feel embarrassed and ashamed. He has been successful in moving on - obviously.
I am painfully aware that the love has long been gone and I'm left to choke on this poisonous spell.

When will I break free of this?

namaste.

Wednesday

Word for the day:

Angry.

What is the point of trying to be the best partner and work hard?
Because when it is all said and done - it's like as though your love never existed.

Perhaps it never did?

What happened to me, that I seem to have regressed?

Well, the worst possible thing for someone who is still working on falling out of love.
The one act that makes the whole situation that much more true - a visual of what moving on looks like.

It was a lovely  birthday present. I'm still thanking the Universe for such a thoughtful gift.

namaste.

The right word...

is so important.

Devastated.

That's my word.

Exit to the right.

So I was wrong.

I can feel dead inside - again.

He is not a caring person.

The Universe has a wicked sense of humor.

My brain feels fuzzy.

I'm retiring from this for a little bit.

Taking a time out.

I'm emotionally spent.

namaste.