Saturday

Waking up with a sore throat and stuffy head is not a good start to New Year's Eve.
Finding new music thanks to a friend is a definite improvement.
Lunch with the roomie and family almost makes me forget about the sore throat.
Had a wonderful day with my fairy godmother yesterday. It was filled with reflection, laughter and tears. We are kindred spirits and she often tells my mom that I am in fact her child. I think it helps that we are both Aries and believe in hobbits.
These last few days are woven perfectly into the tapestry of my life in 2011.
They have been so fitting and eerily well timed.
Universe, you  have a strange, twisted sense of humor.
Namaste.

The Beginning of an End.

Yesterday was a day filled with special moments that you carry in your heart forever. It began with a nice long visit with my home girl. It had been far too long since my last visit. As usual, it was about 2 hours filled with chatter and catching up. Though I still walk away feeling a bit emotionally drained, it's nothing unbearable.

That visit was followed up by an impromptu BBQ of sorts at my uncle's house. Such an ordinary visit ended up as quite a magical night sitting around a fire in Miami. We roasted marshmallows and made S'mores. We were all bundled up sitting close together getting warm by the fire. It's one of those nights that I know I will later look back on and smile. We reminisced about the past and it was the first time I learned that my uncle remembers the small moments in my life. 

I also realized that I'm nowhere close to being ready for a friendship. Yes, I know, this has been obvious to everyone - but me. I'm okay with that. I have a great belief in myself and in my ability to set aside feelings for a greater cause. If it meant that we could be friends, then I was going to figure it out - somehow. Who am I kidding? At least it's not such a sharp pain or sense of loss. Now, it's more of a dull nagging hurt; a phantom limb of sorts. It's always beneath the surface, but it's not boiling over.

Sigh.

If I had an option on how to end my year, last night would be it.

Namaste.

Pre-Pre New Year's Eve...

What a hectic day thus far.
This has been the slowest week in the year 2011. Okay, I may exaggerate a bit.
I need to stop making grand proclamations. I need to be a better listener.

Alright my fellow singlians (not sure how you'd pronounce this), this is it. New Year's Eve is practically upon us and then it's full steam ahead! Choo-choo!!

Now just a few refreshers:

1. Wear something new or something that makes you feel pretty/sexy/confident. No one wants to start the new year in PJs, right?
2. Go somewhere that is neutral to you.
3. Don't forget to pack your comfy shoes, because there's sure to be lots of dancing.
4. Make sure where ever you end up, that there's dancing involved. Don't want any extra time to think. Thinking leads to remembering, remembering leads to tears and may end in a regrettable text.
5. Now let's be realistic here. Allow yourself 5 minutes to cry it out - either before your night or once it's over.
6. Get your drink on, but let's stay classy ladies. It's never a good thing to ring in the new year hugging a toilet. 
7. If you insist on having your midnight kiss*, make sure he's cute and not related to you. 
8. Have fun! When you feel like crying, hug someone! When you start to think of him, dance! Be strong!
9. Keep your cell in your purse on a bed in someones room- - - far away from you.

Always keep in mind, you're not Juliet, so you're not going to die from heart break. I'm going to be focusing on the positive possibility 2012 may bring. I want to enter the new year as naked as a new-born baby (metaphorically of course).

Okay, my brain is food deprived.

namaste

*please no high school tongue-a-war -barf-

Brief Reflection.

Sometimes people surprise you. 

Thank you for the acknowledgement. I really do appreciate it.

The year will end in a better place.

Speaking about the new year - I went back and reread my posts. Now obviously I just started writing in September, so it is not a complete reflection of this year. I made myself crazy reading one happy post, one sad post, one happy post and so on and so forth. It left me wondering how many of my readers also got dizzy from my ups and downs. If I ever had any doubt that I was bipolar, here was my evidence. 

It also left me wondering, how many people go through the same ups and downs after a break up? I couldn't possibly be alone on this crazy roller-coaster, could I ? Granted, I don't expect people to get as emotionally, well, emotional as I have/do. It can't be too far fetched to assume though, that someone out there has had these happy moments quickly followed by a sad one, right? I joked around once that this process could be comparable to breaking an addiction. I've had to make up some of my own 12 steps along the way.

So far I've learned that it is a game of give and take with yourself. You must have a crazy amount of patience with yourself. I'm in a much healthier place now, than when I started. As the new year is about to begin, I'll take what I can. I may not be over it and I may still be in love, but I'm no longer a heaping mess of emotions. I'm still moving those small stones as I try to move past this mountain. 

2011 started with a kick to the butt and has ended quite similarly. I look forward to a year filled with healing, peace and happiness. Please.

Namaste.

Break...

"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..." 

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas this weekend! I had a lovely weekend with my family.


I have re-posted this quote because I needed a reminder. Things have been left in a negative place and it makes me feel sad. I woke up this morning feeling off and anxious. The first thought that pops into my head is the night Pumpkin passed away. I remembered receiving the phone call right after I had just climbed into bed. Lovely way to begin my morning, isn't it? I remembered how that terrible situation brought us closer together. 


I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss our conversations, before the distance settled in. I know I'm feeling like this because New Year's is this weekend. It's going to be difficult to start a new year without him as a part of my life. We're in an ugly place and I can't fix it. 


Cleaning your slate is hard when you're in the same place, with the same people and so many memories. I have to be strong now and hold it together. This is the last major climb, at least for this year. I just have to make it to 2012. 


Oh and I've completely given up on online dating - for now (perhaps). I'm just nowhere near ready to meet new guys. Most importantly, I don't want to meet anyone new. Ladies it's important to be honest with yourself, so you don't get into uncomfortable situations. Right now I only have time to focus on myself and how to make it through a day without falling apart. 


Alright kiddies, that's all I have for today. Nothing exciting, I know.

Christmas Eve-Eve

Sitting here with my Grinch shirt (yes, I wore it to work), I realize that the Christmas spirit has snuck upon me.

A little slice of heaven...

I was given my first Christmas gift last night and it was so very special. It was a small handmade gift by my best friend, but what was in it was priceless. Ever since the break up I have lost the ability to visit Pumpkin's little grave or be able to take care of the garden I planted. I felt robbed. If you know me, you know how the death of Pumpkin has affected me.

Anyway, I've been missing her an insane amount lately. I was cautioned before opening the box that it was a gift with sentimental value and that she even shed some tears making it. I automatically assumed it was going to be a picture of us from the 7th grade. Little did I know or expect to lift the lid and see an ornament with pictures of Pumpkin inside of it. Before I could control myself, I just started crying. Here it was, here was my own personal piece of Pumpkin. I no longer had to miss the garden or her grave. She had given me my own remembrance of Pumpkin.

I will cherish this forever. All this hullabaloo may seem a bit much if you've never owned a pet or have had the pleasure of having that one special pet. Receiving this gift has also signaled a closing of a chapter in my life. It came at the right moment and I'm not ignoring the sign. I'm not sure if I can explain it,  but I feel as though I have all that I need to move forward.

The universe was listening to my heart and gave to me what I've been praying for: a little piece of Pumpkin. I haven't been praying for a reconciliation, but for peace of heart and closure. I don't want him back and I wouldn't take him back. My love for Pumpkin has been slowly helping my heart mend.

This ornament has brought these painful last few months to full circle and I'm ready to start new.
I am prepared to clean my own slate, with warmth in my heart.

Clean Slate...

Ever get the feeling that you want to crawl out of your skin? I feel that way all of the time. My heart is so heavy, it’s overwhelming. What I wouldn't give for a new start, a clean slate. 

What I wouldn't give for a new mind, a new heart.

I am weighed down with sadness, frustration and hopelessness. There are times that seem as though I've had a break through. 

There have been times when I am free of myself. I now live for those moments.

Apparently 3 months should be enough time to have moved on. It’s silly to still cry after 3 months. 

Perhaps for you, but not for me. 

It’s understandable considering you are the one that has caused irreparable damage to my heart and soul. You are the one that took and took and now you have left me empty.  

A clean slate. I want to walk into the ocean and come out a brand new person. I obviously cannot erase my past, but I can have a clean slate. I can decide that from this day forward, I will be stronger. I will leave it alone. I will finally disconnect. I will stop trying to fix something that doesn't exist.

I cannot shed my own skin, but I can rid it of all the excess baggage. I can work through the tough spots and hold on to the good ones. I need to move forward, it's absolutely essential to my well being. I'm not sure where it went wrong, but it was made painfully clear that it's over - friendship wise. There will probably never be a friendship. I thought we had something special, but it was ordinary for him. I'm just an ordinary ex girlfriend that has been filed away. I have to face these painful facts and then put them behind me.

A clean slate...isn't that what we all want?

namaste.

Almost, almost...

Sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Sometimes you become that girl and that's out of your control. Sometimes people stop liking you which is out of your control. Sometimes in your rush to fix the situation you only make matters worse. Sometimes it's about accepting that life isn't fair. Sometimes when you think you have nothing left to lose, you are proven wrong.

Sometimes you chase the wrong person or the right person for the wrong reasons. Sometimes you have to realize that you aren't important. Sometimes you have to quell that crazy feeling of a complete melt down. Sometimes you have to stop grasping at straws. Sometimes when you are left, you have to do some leaving. 

Always believe in the belief that things will get better. Always push forward, even when all you want to do is quit. Always put a smile on your face when walking to meet the world. Always embrace the small moments in your day. Always pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Always know that your idea of your own strength in reality - is doubled. Always treat others kindly, they may be in your same boat. Always know when to walk away.

Never give up on yourself. Never allow someone to make you feel insignificant. Never place your self value onto others. Never trip over the same rock a third time. Never hold on to something that wants to be set free. Never wait for someone, who is moving forward without you. Never settle for less, for perhaps or maybe. Never have regrets.

Sometimes, always and never love.

Freaking Fracking Friday

So, it's getting closer to Christmas and I literally just started shopping yesterday. I cringe at thought of having to even breathe in the direction of a mall. I'm trying to confine my shopping to online and perhaps a Target or Barnes Noble. Last year, I did most of my shopping with him and we shared our misery and cost.

We even wrapped our gifts together and by the way, the man is a quick wrapper. Anyway, this year I'm just not up for the hectic battle field of pushy people looking for parking, grabbing the last shirt and the hellish lines.

I just want to get to New Year's already. I am so ready for the new year to begin! There is so much to look forward to and goals I've set for myself. I already know what my new year resolution is going to be and I'm only making one. I find that when you set too many goals, you spread yourself thin. I want to focus all of my energy and thought on this one particular resolution. I will keep it to myself until the start of the new year.

Right now I'm going to focus on having fun and finding happiness in these last 2 weeks of 2011. I've been doing so well, it would be a shame to have a break down before Christmas.

So let's start this weekend with a smile and happy thoughts.

Namaste.

Excuse my fuzzy brain...

I know I already wrote about Eat. Pray. Love. in yesterday's post, but I can't get enough. It's like taking my first breath of air after months of drowning. There are so many passages that I can highlight and pages that can be earmarked. It is my life line and I'm clinging on to it with as much fervor as I have to crossfit.

There is no short cut or secret to getting over heart break; just time. I can't be afraid to let him go, because I will only be making room for something more positive.

12/15/11

I've been sick, so my brain does not function correctly. I don't think I've skipped so many days that aren't the weekend. Yesterday was the first day of I hope many more days that I am taking charge of my thoughts. I cannot control my consequences, but I can control my thoughts and emotions. I have a new definition of soul mate and one that makes so much sense. It helps to  understand, because it hurts a little less. Though he may not call me or text me, I know that he will always care for me.

I will allow myself to miss him, to love him and still cry over him. It's all part of the process of healing. I will always send him love and good energy. Yes, I got all of this from one book. This book has become my bible. I don't think I'd enjoy it so much if I wasn't experiencing having my life fall apart. The Universe has something wonderful in store for me and I don't necessarily mean a new guy, but in general. This is my time, my time to discover life, to do things my way, to figure out what my way is and to stop being afraid.

He was my security blanket for 3 years, before him, it was friends, depression and fear. Now I have been stripped down to my bare bone and have only myself to cling to. I have forgiven myself for my mistakes and I'm starting to really love myself. I have been my own worst enemy for far too long. You cannot truly love someone else when you can't even get along with yourself.

I am finally beginning to feel the first ray of peace in my heart. So, I'm doing something right.

Eat. Pray. Love. - Survival Guide

I haven't read a book in a while, until recently. I finally got my hands on Eat. Pray. Love. and it's become somewhat of a life raft. I highly recommend this book, if you are wading in the kiddie pool of singlehood. It's amazingly comforting to read word for word someone else's struggle and to know that she survived.

I don't know about you, but I'm reaching a point of exhaustion. All this flickering on and off is going to burn out my light. When ever I feel as though I am starting to find my footing, I realize it's a false illusion. I am still treading on very thin ice as I struggle to continue to move forward. I  need to get a hold of myself and pick myself up. I have to stop trying to figure it out. I have stop trying to understand how you can just cut someone out of your life when they haven't done anything wrong.

Love is rarely fair and someone ultimately gets hurt. I am just tired of hurting. I want to get off the ride, please. I know what I have to do, but it doesn't make it easier. It also doesn't make it easier knowing that you are alone in the suffering. Every now and then it does help to remind myself that he has moved on and isn't sitting at home thinking about me. For the most part though, it's a game of wills and mental strength.

As you may have already guessed, the whole treating him like he's treating you isn't working out too well. I'm just not wired like him. Oh I'm so over writing about this. He doesn't deserve my words, time, thoughts, anything for a matter of fact.

I'm tired of being in my own skin.

Eat. Sounds good.
Pray. I need some of that.
Love. Pfft.

Done.

Meeting with the past Yesis

When you're in any kind of intense relationship you lose a part of yourself. Same goes when you experience a traumatic event, you also lose some of yourself. In my case it has been an accumulation of bad experiences and heart break. I'm not just talking about a lover's heart break, but also the heart break you experience when you lose a parent to divorce, when you realize your mom is no longer your best friend, when you see the damage your selfishness has caused. So, I'd recommend going through old journals, letters, blogs or whatever to sort of track your steps. It also serves as a reminder of who you were and how different or unchanged you are now, presently.

I try to do this at least once a year, but usually its just for fun. I love looking at old photos and reading old slam books. Honestly, this time was prompted by friend who read my cards. Yes, I love all that is mystical and spiritual. Anyway, it was one of things that he told me to do and I did. I sat in bed and read through two of my earlier journals. The experience was at once funny and sad, comforting and frightening.

I was supposed to find something in my journals that would either serve as inspiration or who knows. I do not think I will be able to properly explain what is going through my mind after reading them. I feel a sort of disconnection to this girl who was so filled with darkness and despair and yet there's a familiarity about it.  Some of the writing was way too dramatic and made me giggle. For the most part though it was a realization that I have struggling with my darkness for the most part of my life.

Even in what I affectionately refer to as my good years, where most of recollections are pleasant, my writing was filled with anguish. That's what kind of freaked me out. I felt like I was two different people. The girl that went out, danced, laughed and the secret one who was afflicted with depression. I don't remember even writing during that period. I can't even remember what was going on during that period that would cause such sadness.

I have also drawn strength from my past, because for every depressing entry the next page would be filled with hope and courage. It reminded me of something that I heard recently: If you were to meet the 75 year old version of yourself, she would tell you that everything worked out and everything will be okay. That's something closer to the truth. I have stepped back in time and I am able to see where I have been and where I am presently. The fact that I'm still here, just simply being here, present, is an accomplishment.

Something that stood out amidst all of the shadows was my spunk. Even at my seemingly lowest low, I still had a fire burning inside of that wouldn't allow me to quit. I've lost that spunk, that vivacity, that drive, that undying persistence. With time I've become a monotonous wall flower, observing instead of contributing.  I was even surprised at my veracious appetite for life and continuous growth. I did not allow myself to wallow in self pity and I seemed to draw from an invisible reservoir of self belief.

Once again at 27 I am faced with undeniable change and heart break. I felt lost at first, but I am discovering that reservoir is still there right beneath the surface. So, strap on some comfortable shoes and take a stroll back and realize that you have already survived so much.

Happy travels.

The Problem with Being a Foodie

You know what I hate about break ups, besides the obvious...the food. Let me explain: We spent lots of time going to different places and we had 3 or 4 different places that were our restaurants. Now, I can't go to these places anymore because at the moment they hold too many memories.

Its terrible, because these places have the best food ever. I miss my Delicious falafel with french fries. I miss my coconut curry chicken. I most definitely miss my tacos, quesadillas or nachos. The best burger is out of reach because I'm not quite ready to step foot in that restaurant.

Now, I know it's silly because it's just food and they're just restaurants. I get it, but I don't just see a restaurant, I see the times we were so full, but we still managed to pack in a tres leches. I remember the first time I had a fruit juice and I tried carrot with orange. We had so many wonderful conversations during those random visits over yummy food. My new taste palate is all thanks to him and I'm forever grateful.

I am going to miss the creative desserts made for birthdays and Valentine's. I've have had cookie ice cream cake, also shaped in a heart once. I've had a mountain of almond croissants with ice cream and chocolate syrup and yes, it was served on a turkey platter.I don't think I'll be able to eat fried bananas with coconut ice cream without it bringing a tear to my eye.

What can I say? Some couples go dancing. Some go drinking. We went on food adventures. It's quite a miracle I didn't gain 1000 pounds. True story.

Now I'm hungry for a burger, fried bananas, coconut curry chicken...drool. Perhaps I'll have myself a smorgasbord of delicious foods that I can no longer eat. It will be a funeral of sorts. The death of the foodie that currently resides in my belly.

Or perhaps, it doesn't need to be so tragic. I don't think I'm ready to part with my fatty ego. Perhaps we can come to a compromise? I will find new places to titillate my senses and taste buds. I'm not ready to give up this new found appreciation for food, damn it!

Okay, now that we have established that I am a foodie, let's move on.