I am finally going to face the music and I feel nervous, anxious and scared. I have to do this for more than one reason. The obvious one being that I need to complete my degree, finally. I also have to do this for myself, to prove to myself that I am not lost.
School was my safe haven growing up and I excelled in my courses. I was an honor student with mostly A's and B's. As my life was being torn apart at home, school was the one thing I had any control over. It kept me grounded and sane. My love for school, for learning grew as I grew, but things changed once I hit college.
That was around the time that I was diagnosed with depression. Depression took away my control over school and made it quite challenging. I struggled and my 2 years of college turned into 3 hard years. I was determined though, to get my AA and work towards my BA. My battle with depression was constant but the intensity always shifted.
Long story, short, I have worked too hard and fought too hard to not cross that finish line. I will be able to breath easier once this is resolved. I definitely believe the open issue with school contributes to my depression. I have kept putting it off and putting it off because I am afraid of what comes after. I have been stuck in the same place for so long, I've grown comfortable.
As comfortable as I may be, I have finally come to the realization that because of this many doors have remained closed to me. I now know that once I finish my degree, I will finally be able to shift from neutral and into drive. I am finally moving the small stones, instead of the whole mountain.
So fingers and toes crossed, ladies and gents! Let's see if I can't find a resolution.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
One Too Many Fish in the Pond
Who ever said online dating is fun or easy, lied. My experience is minimal and doesn't go further than having a profile. I feel I should warn and caution my newly single compatriots, because online dating seems to be a savory alternate to being single.
I'm not against online dating by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it comes with strings attached. Online dating is people at their most primitive as we click profile through profile looking for the cute guy/girl. It is 100% based on physical appearance and witty profile names. There is nothing sincere about online dating.
Every email I receive I automatically put in the "Just want to sleep with me" file and move on. You would think the mystery of getting to know a person would make the process enjoyable. It is not. It's like pulling teeth with some of these guys. It is also so much easier for people to dismiss a person without any sense of guilt or wrong doing.
Perhaps, I am not enjoying myself, because I'm not ready to date. Even so, I browse through profiles, just in case I miss a gem. I would not recommend it for someone who who just got out of a relationship because of your level of vulnerability or people who are insecure. The program keeps track of who peruses through your profile and they usually don't message you. If you don't receive a message every few days you begin to wonder, if there is something wrong with the way you look. Which of course there isn't, but the seed is planted.
Let's say you find a person and you make contact, you'd be surprised what he/she will write you off for. Not having the same color in common, liking sports, misspellings and bad grammar. I am guilty of the last two, but it's a pet peeve of mine.What can I say? I'm an English Lit major, with my own speech impediments. Anyway, there is little to no human connection and the only anticipation you feel when that phone rings is if his voice is going to be squeaky.
It takes away from the spontaneity of meeting someone when you least expect it. There is no romance, no butterflies in the stomach or heated cheeks due to the way he looks at you. I highly doubt that I will be meeting my next heart break on an online dating site.
Now, I do think online dating is a great way to get your feet wet, if you are new to the dating game. You can be single and not know how to date. I was single for 5 years and only really dated once. So, with that said, I encourage the use for learning and practicing. It forces you to put yourself out there and tip toe along the boundaries of your comfort zone.
I guess what I am saying is, maybe it's not perfect and perhaps you won't find your one great love online, but it'll prepare you.
So, perhaps, it is okay, okcupid.
I'm not against online dating by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it comes with strings attached. Online dating is people at their most primitive as we click profile through profile looking for the cute guy/girl. It is 100% based on physical appearance and witty profile names. There is nothing sincere about online dating.
Every email I receive I automatically put in the "Just want to sleep with me" file and move on. You would think the mystery of getting to know a person would make the process enjoyable. It is not. It's like pulling teeth with some of these guys. It is also so much easier for people to dismiss a person without any sense of guilt or wrong doing.
Perhaps, I am not enjoying myself, because I'm not ready to date. Even so, I browse through profiles, just in case I miss a gem. I would not recommend it for someone who who just got out of a relationship because of your level of vulnerability or people who are insecure. The program keeps track of who peruses through your profile and they usually don't message you. If you don't receive a message every few days you begin to wonder, if there is something wrong with the way you look. Which of course there isn't, but the seed is planted.
Let's say you find a person and you make contact, you'd be surprised what he/she will write you off for. Not having the same color in common, liking sports, misspellings and bad grammar. I am guilty of the last two, but it's a pet peeve of mine.What can I say? I'm an English Lit major, with my own speech impediments. Anyway, there is little to no human connection and the only anticipation you feel when that phone rings is if his voice is going to be squeaky.
It takes away from the spontaneity of meeting someone when you least expect it. There is no romance, no butterflies in the stomach or heated cheeks due to the way he looks at you. I highly doubt that I will be meeting my next heart break on an online dating site.
Now, I do think online dating is a great way to get your feet wet, if you are new to the dating game. You can be single and not know how to date. I was single for 5 years and only really dated once. So, with that said, I encourage the use for learning and practicing. It forces you to put yourself out there and tip toe along the boundaries of your comfort zone.
I guess what I am saying is, maybe it's not perfect and perhaps you won't find your one great love online, but it'll prepare you.
So, perhaps, it is okay, okcupid.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Melancholy Monday
Woke up way too early yesterday and decided to go through my myspace pictures. I began to upload them onto my facebook account. As I went through my albums, it became a walk down memory lane - bittersweet.
You forget how long 3 years is and you forget all the small moments, the moments that led up to love, to the work and so on. I was looking at our relationship through photos of moments long forgotten. From the way his house looked when we first met, to the way I looked, just everything was different.
The distance, the separation is the hardest. Wanting to be a part of his accomplishments, of his failures, his good days and his bad days and not having the ability to do so = painful. And this too shall pass.
I'm taking all of the appropriate steps to put my life back together. I am being responsible and have finally begun the process to fix my credit. The biggest goal right now is to finish school and I am finally ready to walk down the path. I don't expect to finish school this year and perhaps not even next year, but the idea is to start.
This is essential in the healing process. You cannot stay frozen in time or in place, because it's not going to change anything. You have to make sure to keep moving forward and picking up one painfully heavy foot and putting in front of the other. The truth is ladies and gents, that's the only thing you have control of right now, your life. You cannot make someone re-fall in love with you, no matter the memories, the tears. Bonnie Raitt had it right with her soul crushing song from the 90's.
You also cannot wait for the time to pass with hopeless hope, that he will suddenly wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he has made. In the end you will become hurt again, once you learn that he has found someone else. It is a risk not worth taking. Why hold on to someone who just wants to be free?
Still you have to wonder, are we made to be in pairs?
The word single carries such a weight once you pass 21 years of age as a woman. I am not afraid of being single, but it has never been a goal of mine. Personally, I believe we are meant to have a partner, your person to share life's experiences with. I do not think that as human beings we are meant to thrive alone, but instead together.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get married and have children. It works differently for everyone, but the idea is the same. The best example I can give is to go on vacation by yourself. I went to DC a few years ago, and saw most of the city on my own. Did I enjoy it? Of course, but there were so many times I would turn to find someone to partake in a moment and there was no one.
Life can be lived alone as a bachelor or bachelorette, but it is so much more fulfilling with someone to share it with. Isn't that what we are all ultimately looking for? Our other half, a partner in crime?
So, why is it so hard?
You forget how long 3 years is and you forget all the small moments, the moments that led up to love, to the work and so on. I was looking at our relationship through photos of moments long forgotten. From the way his house looked when we first met, to the way I looked, just everything was different.
The distance, the separation is the hardest. Wanting to be a part of his accomplishments, of his failures, his good days and his bad days and not having the ability to do so = painful. And this too shall pass.
I'm taking all of the appropriate steps to put my life back together. I am being responsible and have finally begun the process to fix my credit. The biggest goal right now is to finish school and I am finally ready to walk down the path. I don't expect to finish school this year and perhaps not even next year, but the idea is to start.
This is essential in the healing process. You cannot stay frozen in time or in place, because it's not going to change anything. You have to make sure to keep moving forward and picking up one painfully heavy foot and putting in front of the other. The truth is ladies and gents, that's the only thing you have control of right now, your life. You cannot make someone re-fall in love with you, no matter the memories, the tears. Bonnie Raitt had it right with her soul crushing song from the 90's.
You also cannot wait for the time to pass with hopeless hope, that he will suddenly wake up and realize what a terrible mistake he has made. In the end you will become hurt again, once you learn that he has found someone else. It is a risk not worth taking. Why hold on to someone who just wants to be free?
Still you have to wonder, are we made to be in pairs?
The word single carries such a weight once you pass 21 years of age as a woman. I am not afraid of being single, but it has never been a goal of mine. Personally, I believe we are meant to have a partner, your person to share life's experiences with. I do not think that as human beings we are meant to thrive alone, but instead together.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get married and have children. It works differently for everyone, but the idea is the same. The best example I can give is to go on vacation by yourself. I went to DC a few years ago, and saw most of the city on my own. Did I enjoy it? Of course, but there were so many times I would turn to find someone to partake in a moment and there was no one.
Life can be lived alone as a bachelor or bachelorette, but it is so much more fulfilling with someone to share it with. Isn't that what we are all ultimately looking for? Our other half, a partner in crime?
So, why is it so hard?
Friday, November 25, 2011
Post Thanksgiving.
So I survived my 1st holiday of the season. I did okay, but there is definite room for improvement. It was a very emotional day for me and yes, there were some tears. I had a nice time with the family and that did help. I entertained myself with running errands and having a long visit with my mom.
It's hard to keep the memories from flooding your mind. You catch yourself looking for him in the dining room and then you remember, oh yea, he's not here. It's hard to forget waking up in his bed last year, when you are waking up alone in your bed this year. So, I call my home girl to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving, to try to find some semblance of what my life used to me.
Lastly, I broke my own rule, like I do so many times and I call him. I could have just sent a text, but again I was searching for something familiar. Instead, it hurt to hear the commotion in the background and to know that I will no longer be a part of it. It hurt to hear his casual tone as though we always just called each other on the Holidays instead of having had spent them together.
Ladies, I did the most pathetic thing you can do: ask to hang out. Oh yes, I did. I think I set myself up to be let down, so I can hold on to the disappointment as a weapon against him. Doesn't work though. It is almost impossible to remain upset with him.
Sometimes though you find comfort in the least expected people. I found someone who truly understood what I was feeling for the 1st week after the breakup. That sense of fear, of being immobile, of the inability to figure out what to do next. Most mistake that for fear of being alone. It is the overwhelming feeling of having your life robbed from you and leaving you to free fall. It is being blind sided, it's that little girl who's childhood innocence is robbed from her by divorce. It's that painful realization that absolutely nothing will ever be the same. It is what he represented for me and what he took from me. It had nothing to do with not wanting to be alone. I've done alone, and I do alone just fine. It's finding your person and melding yourself with him, to only have torn away.
Letting go is so hard and yet, I don't know what I'm trying to hold on to. You cannot hold on to a shadow, a memory, a feeling, a ghost. I am not sure when it's going to click for me, I don't know when I'm going to wake up and know its done. I've never been very good at having epiphanies. A close friend, described me perfectly: I am all emotion. She thought I may be offended by this, but she is right. I have always been emotional about him and our relationship. I am not sure I can be any other way with or about him. I have never invested myself so completely before. I sometimes think, that I couldn't have been that wrong. My gut feeling was always be patient, he is worth it.
Can you be so wrong, when it feels so right?
All I have to do is survive the next month and a half. All I hope for is peace of mind and peace of heart. All I need to do is let it be.
As you can see, this isn't going to be a straight shot or road. Instead it's a winding one with bumps, curves and emotional pit falls. The goal? Reach the end intact.
It's hard to keep the memories from flooding your mind. You catch yourself looking for him in the dining room and then you remember, oh yea, he's not here. It's hard to forget waking up in his bed last year, when you are waking up alone in your bed this year. So, I call my home girl to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving, to try to find some semblance of what my life used to me.
Lastly, I broke my own rule, like I do so many times and I call him. I could have just sent a text, but again I was searching for something familiar. Instead, it hurt to hear the commotion in the background and to know that I will no longer be a part of it. It hurt to hear his casual tone as though we always just called each other on the Holidays instead of having had spent them together.
Ladies, I did the most pathetic thing you can do: ask to hang out. Oh yes, I did. I think I set myself up to be let down, so I can hold on to the disappointment as a weapon against him. Doesn't work though. It is almost impossible to remain upset with him.
Sometimes though you find comfort in the least expected people. I found someone who truly understood what I was feeling for the 1st week after the breakup. That sense of fear, of being immobile, of the inability to figure out what to do next. Most mistake that for fear of being alone. It is the overwhelming feeling of having your life robbed from you and leaving you to free fall. It is being blind sided, it's that little girl who's childhood innocence is robbed from her by divorce. It's that painful realization that absolutely nothing will ever be the same. It is what he represented for me and what he took from me. It had nothing to do with not wanting to be alone. I've done alone, and I do alone just fine. It's finding your person and melding yourself with him, to only have torn away.
Letting go is so hard and yet, I don't know what I'm trying to hold on to. You cannot hold on to a shadow, a memory, a feeling, a ghost. I am not sure when it's going to click for me, I don't know when I'm going to wake up and know its done. I've never been very good at having epiphanies. A close friend, described me perfectly: I am all emotion. She thought I may be offended by this, but she is right. I have always been emotional about him and our relationship. I am not sure I can be any other way with or about him. I have never invested myself so completely before. I sometimes think, that I couldn't have been that wrong. My gut feeling was always be patient, he is worth it.
Can you be so wrong, when it feels so right?
All I have to do is survive the next month and a half. All I hope for is peace of mind and peace of heart. All I need to do is let it be.
As you can see, this isn't going to be a straight shot or road. Instead it's a winding one with bumps, curves and emotional pit falls. The goal? Reach the end intact.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Endangered Species
At times it seems as though single women are an endangered species. Perhaps I'm endangered species in my circle of friends. I always seem to be single when all my girls are in relationships or kinda relationships.
This limits the amount of adventurous outings you may have. As a newly single woman, it is the utmost importance to have such outings in order to have something to look forward to.
Its a curious thing, women in relationships. We become boring almost instantly and making plans with a spoken for lady is almost impossible. The idea of "girl night" is practically extinct. I'm not judging because I was part of that boring club not that long ago.
It often fascinates me, the dynamics of a relationship and how much you willingly give up. If you were once goofy, uninhibited and outgoing, with a boyfriend everything gets toned down. Every once in a while, you may get lucky and find a man who enjoys going out as much as you do.
Are we all just bidding our time until our next relationship? Are we fun, carefree gals until we snag one?
All I know, is that this girl needs a wingwoman and is currently accepting applications.
This limits the amount of adventurous outings you may have. As a newly single woman, it is the utmost importance to have such outings in order to have something to look forward to.
Its a curious thing, women in relationships. We become boring almost instantly and making plans with a spoken for lady is almost impossible. The idea of "girl night" is practically extinct. I'm not judging because I was part of that boring club not that long ago.
It often fascinates me, the dynamics of a relationship and how much you willingly give up. If you were once goofy, uninhibited and outgoing, with a boyfriend everything gets toned down. Every once in a while, you may get lucky and find a man who enjoys going out as much as you do.
Are we all just bidding our time until our next relationship? Are we fun, carefree gals until we snag one?
All I know, is that this girl needs a wingwoman and is currently accepting applications.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Holiday Blues & How to Fight 'em!
Ladies it's that time of year again: The Holidays. If you have had your heart broken recently then arm yourself with friends, family and wine. Oh and eat lots of yummy food, especially on Thanksgiving. Perhaps it will induce a food coma and you could just pass out without enduring too much sadness.
Most importantly work out your will power because I know there are going to be moments where you just want to cave and call. I figure if I can survive the holidays, then I'll survive in general. So, my flock of single women, go out and do not stay home. Isn't the saying, "Drink and be merry"? See, it's practically a rule for the months of November and December.
You are allowed a few sappy movies to kill some time. The universe knows, I did that this past weekend: The Mirror Has Two Faces. All I have to say is: Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges. I ended the night with a little Puccini. Don't get me started with Twilight...it was an excruciating experience that I could not turn away from. So, do not be afraid to watch movies that will make you cry; it's healthy!
Oh and listen to lots of Christmas music! It's jolliness is infectious and it's hard to be depressed with all the jingling and cheerfulness. Focus on your Christmas shopping, instead of what you would have bought him, or what he gave you last year. Send out Christmas cards!! It's a lovely gesture and more importantly, it will help kill time.
Become the official Christmas tree decorator of the family.Volunteer your services to all and that should keep you busy for a few days. Go to every holiday party = free liquor and food! Not I'm not advocating becoming an alcoholic or a sloppy drunk, just find that happy place.
Use the holiday season as an excuse to buy a new outfit(s). I know shopping isn't a cure all, but it sure helps your attitude when you look good. Focus on getting rid of old clothes, shoes, letters and refill that space with new trinkets and clothes. The new year is around the corner and wouldn't you like to start fresh? I know I would.
And my newly independent women, let's try to minimize drunk dialing, texts, or emails. I am guilty of 2 out of the 3 and you never feel good about it in the morning. If you have to leave your phone at home or with a friend, do it! For you slightly cray crays, no showing up uninvited to his house, this isn't the 80's and you're not John Cusack.
So, remember ladies: friends, merriment, family, wine, food, shopping, wine and some exercise to prevent weight gain and promote energy.
Good luck and fingers crossed!
Most importantly work out your will power because I know there are going to be moments where you just want to cave and call. I figure if I can survive the holidays, then I'll survive in general. So, my flock of single women, go out and do not stay home. Isn't the saying, "Drink and be merry"? See, it's practically a rule for the months of November and December.
You are allowed a few sappy movies to kill some time. The universe knows, I did that this past weekend: The Mirror Has Two Faces. All I have to say is: Barbara Streisand and Jeff Bridges. I ended the night with a little Puccini. Don't get me started with Twilight...it was an excruciating experience that I could not turn away from. So, do not be afraid to watch movies that will make you cry; it's healthy!
Oh and listen to lots of Christmas music! It's jolliness is infectious and it's hard to be depressed with all the jingling and cheerfulness. Focus on your Christmas shopping, instead of what you would have bought him, or what he gave you last year. Send out Christmas cards!! It's a lovely gesture and more importantly, it will help kill time.
Become the official Christmas tree decorator of the family.Volunteer your services to all and that should keep you busy for a few days. Go to every holiday party = free liquor and food! Not I'm not advocating becoming an alcoholic or a sloppy drunk, just find that happy place.
Use the holiday season as an excuse to buy a new outfit(s). I know shopping isn't a cure all, but it sure helps your attitude when you look good. Focus on getting rid of old clothes, shoes, letters and refill that space with new trinkets and clothes. The new year is around the corner and wouldn't you like to start fresh? I know I would.
And my newly independent women, let's try to minimize drunk dialing, texts, or emails. I am guilty of 2 out of the 3 and you never feel good about it in the morning. If you have to leave your phone at home or with a friend, do it! For you slightly cray crays, no showing up uninvited to his house, this isn't the 80's and you're not John Cusack.
So, remember ladies: friends, merriment, family, wine, food, shopping, wine and some exercise to prevent weight gain and promote energy.
Good luck and fingers crossed!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Twilight Mania
Do you ever notice that Kristen Stewart looks semi-retarded in the science class scene? I have never seen a movie with such terrible acting, yet I cannot look away.
I read the series and I could admit that it was entertaining, but it made me angry. Bella is the antitheses of what the modern woman should be. That people would even compare Twilight to Romeo and Juliet is an insult to literature. Juliet had more spunk, more personality than Bella could even imagine having.
Bella heralds back to the 18th century where women were expected to be submissive. Who knew that falling in love would mean becoming a mindless idiot? As a woman, I was offended that a woman would actually write such a story. Teen girls all over the world probably think that to be in love with a man, means that you have to be spineless.
There is something alluring and I'm watching it for the second time as I sit here writing this. I think it maybe my secret, now not so secret crush on Edward. What can I say? Robert Pattinson has an amazing vampire glare. I can understand why so many wives, mothers and single women have fallen in love with the serious. Being in the dating scene or having had your heart broken, its easy to want to believe in this love till death to us part romance.
It's comforting to believe that a love like that perhaps does in fact exist. I much prefer Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. There is so much substance in Harry Potter besides dreamy looks and golden eyes. Oh let us not forget that Edward is apparently made of glitter and may blind you if seen in the sunlight.
Enough of this, I've killed enough brain cells for an evening.
I read the series and I could admit that it was entertaining, but it made me angry. Bella is the antitheses of what the modern woman should be. That people would even compare Twilight to Romeo and Juliet is an insult to literature. Juliet had more spunk, more personality than Bella could even imagine having.
Bella heralds back to the 18th century where women were expected to be submissive. Who knew that falling in love would mean becoming a mindless idiot? As a woman, I was offended that a woman would actually write such a story. Teen girls all over the world probably think that to be in love with a man, means that you have to be spineless.
There is something alluring and I'm watching it for the second time as I sit here writing this. I think it maybe my secret, now not so secret crush on Edward. What can I say? Robert Pattinson has an amazing vampire glare. I can understand why so many wives, mothers and single women have fallen in love with the serious. Being in the dating scene or having had your heart broken, its easy to want to believe in this love till death to us part romance.
It's comforting to believe that a love like that perhaps does in fact exist. I much prefer Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. There is so much substance in Harry Potter besides dreamy looks and golden eyes. Oh let us not forget that Edward is apparently made of glitter and may blind you if seen in the sunlight.
Enough of this, I've killed enough brain cells for an evening.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The Rules.
In the world of break up you have to be careful how you move around. It is filled with pit falls and sharp turns. First you have the actual break up and then there's everything that happens afterwards. By everything, I mean, the reactions of your friends and family, being on your own, adjusting to thinking in "I" instead of "We".
There is a delicate balance that must be upheld at all times in a break up. It's not enough that you have to deal with your own hurt and broken heart, but you must also make sure to adhere to the rules:
Rule #1: Cut all communication with the ex (biggest challenge)
Rule #2: Lots of drinking and crying (thank the Universe for girlfriends)
Rule #3: Lots of self pity parties (only other heart broken people are invited)
Rule #4 The friends and pets divide
Rule #5 No sleeping with your ex
Rule #6 You must not be in the same place at the same time as the ex (the Universe will explode)
Rule #7 You must delete/burn/throw away all pictures
Rule #8 Go over every pain staking detail of the relationship to see if you missed something
Rule #9 Make sure to look your best, just in case.
Rule #10 No sleeping with your ex
Now, I am more than certain that I have left some very important, crucial rules, but 10 is more than enough. You also have to endure all the cliche advise and related stories. In the mist of all of this, you have to somehow figure out how to pull yourself together in order to be a semi-functioning human. Let's not forget all the, "Oh, I always had a feeling", remarks from friends and family that apparently didn't feel the need to mention to you before. I am half convinced they say that just to make you feel a little bit better about yourself.
Oh and ladies, if you are the one that had your heart broken, prepare for some mega reevaluating of yourself. In some cases, such as myself, it's pointless because you were never the issue. I'm not sure what happens when you fall in love with the wrong person. Our brain must short circuit, which causes us to stumble along with only emotions as our guide. And that my friends is a recipe for disaster.
As I am slowly making my way through the nightmarish world of break-ups, I am finally seeing some light. Not that I'm too excited, because at the end of this tunnel is the world of dating. That world ladies and gentlemen is inundated with rules, but more scary are the "unspoken" rules. I tremble at the thought. So, I wish you a bon voyage and safe travels!
There is a delicate balance that must be upheld at all times in a break up. It's not enough that you have to deal with your own hurt and broken heart, but you must also make sure to adhere to the rules:
Rule #1: Cut all communication with the ex (biggest challenge)
Rule #2: Lots of drinking and crying (thank the Universe for girlfriends)
Rule #3: Lots of self pity parties (only other heart broken people are invited)
Rule #4 The friends and pets divide
Rule #5 No sleeping with your ex
Rule #6 You must not be in the same place at the same time as the ex (the Universe will explode)
Rule #7 You must delete/burn/throw away all pictures
Rule #8 Go over every pain staking detail of the relationship to see if you missed something
Rule #9 Make sure to look your best, just in case.
Rule #10 No sleeping with your ex
Now, I am more than certain that I have left some very important, crucial rules, but 10 is more than enough. You also have to endure all the cliche advise and related stories. In the mist of all of this, you have to somehow figure out how to pull yourself together in order to be a semi-functioning human. Let's not forget all the, "Oh, I always had a feeling", remarks from friends and family that apparently didn't feel the need to mention to you before. I am half convinced they say that just to make you feel a little bit better about yourself.
Oh and ladies, if you are the one that had your heart broken, prepare for some mega reevaluating of yourself. In some cases, such as myself, it's pointless because you were never the issue. I'm not sure what happens when you fall in love with the wrong person. Our brain must short circuit, which causes us to stumble along with only emotions as our guide. And that my friends is a recipe for disaster.
As I am slowly making my way through the nightmarish world of break-ups, I am finally seeing some light. Not that I'm too excited, because at the end of this tunnel is the world of dating. That world ladies and gentlemen is inundated with rules, but more scary are the "unspoken" rules. I tremble at the thought. So, I wish you a bon voyage and safe travels!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Too much Sex and the City
So, after endless amount of hours dedicated to Sex and the City and Friends, I can take no more. I am in dire need of reality and a couple of stones in my pocket to bring me back down. I am arming myself with knowledge before I tackle being single.
Well, at least that's what I think I am doing. I don't know how confident I feel that I am anywhere closer to understanding men and their way of thinking. Watching Sex and the City for the billionth time, it dawned on me that Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and yes, even Samantha were not these female warriors. They were the same as any woman in any city. Ultimately, they were all searching for the same thing: love or in Samantha's case, companionship.
Imagine how heart broken I felt, once I discovered their dirty secret. Once again television reminded women everywhere, that you can only be so revolutionary. Granted men and women are different, feel different and think differently. There seems to be a guide book somewhere in an unattainable place where the rules of being a woman are stated. How else can the phenomena of the biological time clock? Of marriage? Of children? be explained.
When did being single at 30 mean that you'd end up with 5 cats? How is it that single men are considered more desirable the older they become? It's completely backwards and unjust.
I am obviously not equipped to play this game. I must continue on my quest for knowledge.
Well, at least that's what I think I am doing. I don't know how confident I feel that I am anywhere closer to understanding men and their way of thinking. Watching Sex and the City for the billionth time, it dawned on me that Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and yes, even Samantha were not these female warriors. They were the same as any woman in any city. Ultimately, they were all searching for the same thing: love or in Samantha's case, companionship.
Imagine how heart broken I felt, once I discovered their dirty secret. Once again television reminded women everywhere, that you can only be so revolutionary. Granted men and women are different, feel different and think differently. There seems to be a guide book somewhere in an unattainable place where the rules of being a woman are stated. How else can the phenomena of the biological time clock? Of marriage? Of children? be explained.
When did being single at 30 mean that you'd end up with 5 cats? How is it that single men are considered more desirable the older they become? It's completely backwards and unjust.
I am obviously not equipped to play this game. I must continue on my quest for knowledge.
Deepest Secret
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
e.e. cummings
Friday, November 11, 2011
Hard Time
Sometimes you have to do incredibly difficult things in the simplest of ways. Sometimes you reach step 10 to only go back to step 1 again.
Sometimes know that when you walk away it will be for the last time. So, before your sometime happens to you, make sure everything has been said and done. Never walk away with regrets.
Sometimes it has to be about you.
“so it's always a process of letting go, one way or another”- Bukowski
Sometimes know that when you walk away it will be for the last time. So, before your sometime happens to you, make sure everything has been said and done. Never walk away with regrets.
Sometimes it has to be about you.
“so it's always a process of letting go, one way or another”- Bukowski
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Write Now.
Charles Bukowski said it best: “A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.”
I am recovering the best I can. I have good days and emotional days. Eventually, I'll look back and feel lucky to have had such a beautiful thing. It's not that we had a spectacular, perfect relationship. It was the moments in between, the silence before a word, the contentment in simply sitting next to each other.
I am not looking at this with rose colored glasses as some may think. I understand that perhaps, it was not a shared view. It would be easier to believe that he didn't love me, but I can't, at least not more than a day. His actions always spoke louder than his words.
The love just wasn't and isn't enough. The idea still catches me by surprise. Our love was one that came with sacrifice and time spent. It had just taken root and was beginning to bloom as our connection deepened.
I have lost my best friend. We did not start off as friends and perhaps we will never be friends, but the connection will be there.
So, with all of this said and done, I am recovering the best I can.
I have good days and emotional days,
but not bad days.
I am recovering the best I can. I have good days and emotional days. Eventually, I'll look back and feel lucky to have had such a beautiful thing. It's not that we had a spectacular, perfect relationship. It was the moments in between, the silence before a word, the contentment in simply sitting next to each other.
I am not looking at this with rose colored glasses as some may think. I understand that perhaps, it was not a shared view. It would be easier to believe that he didn't love me, but I can't, at least not more than a day. His actions always spoke louder than his words.
The love just wasn't and isn't enough. The idea still catches me by surprise. Our love was one that came with sacrifice and time spent. It had just taken root and was beginning to bloom as our connection deepened.
I have lost my best friend. We did not start off as friends and perhaps we will never be friends, but the connection will be there.
So, with all of this said and done, I am recovering the best I can.
I have good days and emotional days,
but not bad days.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Happy Wednesday.
Happy Wednesday to you. I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday filled with happiness. I wish many more happy Wednesdays for you.
Wednesdays make such special people. Do not forget the people who love your Happy Wednesday as well. I will surely miss sharing your Happy Wednesday with you.
I know Wednesdays have never been too important to you, but a beer with old friends never hurt anyone.
So.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Wednesdays make such special people. Do not forget the people who love your Happy Wednesday as well. I will surely miss sharing your Happy Wednesday with you.
I know Wednesdays have never been too important to you, but a beer with old friends never hurt anyone.
So.
Happy Wednesday to you.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Moody Blue Moods...
I realized yesterday, while writing my blog, that I was indeed playing a game. I do not expect people to understand the whys and why nots. All I know is that I have to do what is right for me.
It will not become a habit, but I'm done wasting time. The message was lost somewhere between here and there. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful person that has been over shadowed by ambition. It was a familiar feeling and it did bring me some comfort.
I know my life will be forever changed and I know that our chapter has been closed, but I still hold the key. I don't think that's a key I will be throwing away anytime soon. I know the status quo will remain and I am coming to accept that.
The connection is still there. I am talking about that deeper connection that surpasses old and new relationships, sexual tension. Its the connection that makes us human, the one that you should feel lucky to have ever experienced. The connection that brings some order to the chaos around us.
I do not know if he feels the same, but it's there. The feeling of the rightness of the moment is there. I do not how long we will have this connection, but I am done pretending it does not exist. I know that I don't have to be in constant communication to have someone be near. I have let my fear of abandonment dictate too much of my emotions.
I have made immense progress in the right direction, but there are still some bumps on my path. I cannot control how long it will take to completely heal. I cannot control what the Universe has in store for me. I cannot control the loss of my relationship. I cannot control what he feels or his reasons.
I can control my reactions. I can control which path I choose. I can control how I feel. I only have control of one thing and that is of myself.
There is something that is stronger than control and that is the idea of a belief. Having a belief is as strong and as intoxicating as having hope. Without belief there is nothing. Belief is the strength which we draw from in our most trying moments.
Belief, like hope, can be dangerous. You can believe in the wrong thing, idea or feeling. The key is to sift through the moments, the loves, the dreams, the hopes and find the gold nuggets. You have to nourish those nuggets and with belief and hope on your side, they will bloom to something wonderful.
So, armed with my sifter, I am wading into the swirling pain, hurt, hope, courage, love, fear ready to scoop out my broken heart and soul. I will piece them together again, not with disillusion or bitterness, but with belief. A belief in myself, my strength and Time.
It will not become a habit, but I'm done wasting time. The message was lost somewhere between here and there. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful person that has been over shadowed by ambition. It was a familiar feeling and it did bring me some comfort.
I know my life will be forever changed and I know that our chapter has been closed, but I still hold the key. I don't think that's a key I will be throwing away anytime soon. I know the status quo will remain and I am coming to accept that.
The connection is still there. I am talking about that deeper connection that surpasses old and new relationships, sexual tension. Its the connection that makes us human, the one that you should feel lucky to have ever experienced. The connection that brings some order to the chaos around us.
I do not know if he feels the same, but it's there. The feeling of the rightness of the moment is there. I do not how long we will have this connection, but I am done pretending it does not exist. I know that I don't have to be in constant communication to have someone be near. I have let my fear of abandonment dictate too much of my emotions.
I have made immense progress in the right direction, but there are still some bumps on my path. I cannot control how long it will take to completely heal. I cannot control what the Universe has in store for me. I cannot control the loss of my relationship. I cannot control what he feels or his reasons.
I can control my reactions. I can control which path I choose. I can control how I feel. I only have control of one thing and that is of myself.
There is something that is stronger than control and that is the idea of a belief. Having a belief is as strong and as intoxicating as having hope. Without belief there is nothing. Belief is the strength which we draw from in our most trying moments.
Belief, like hope, can be dangerous. You can believe in the wrong thing, idea or feeling. The key is to sift through the moments, the loves, the dreams, the hopes and find the gold nuggets. You have to nourish those nuggets and with belief and hope on your side, they will bloom to something wonderful.
So, armed with my sifter, I am wading into the swirling pain, hurt, hope, courage, love, fear ready to scoop out my broken heart and soul. I will piece them together again, not with disillusion or bitterness, but with belief. A belief in myself, my strength and Time.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Where's the Off Switch?
I am stuck between my id and ego, and my id is beginning to take the lead. It's starting to feel like it's a big game and I'm done participating. I know I am supposed to be moving forward and leaving it all behind. I believe I am doing that for the most part, but it always breaks me a little more how long it has been. It chips away at my resolve every minute, every hour, every day that he is forgetting about me.
It's a terrible feeling, being forgotten. I am playing a game with myself. I am pushing myself a little more every day. I am trying to see just how long I can go and in the end I hope I forget in the process. It's not working though, instead it has become a daily reminder of being forgotten. Did we ever have anything real? Was is it all just kind of dream? Did I ever mean anything more to him?
I forget I knew him, knew everything about him. I am forgetting the feeling of his arms around me, the warmth of his bed underneath the covers, the smell of his cologne. His laughter is now just an echo, the feel of his hand a shadow of a thought, his lips on mine has become a memory fluttering at the edge of nothingness.
It would seem like this would all be a good thing, but it's not. It's heart breaking and soul breaking. This is a death of some sort and I am left desperately plucking at the memories as they float up into oblivion.
Now I look to Time for help.
I look to Time for answers to the questions that can never be answered.
Look to Time to ease the hurt and calm the mind.
Time to forget.
It's a terrible feeling, being forgotten. I am playing a game with myself. I am pushing myself a little more every day. I am trying to see just how long I can go and in the end I hope I forget in the process. It's not working though, instead it has become a daily reminder of being forgotten. Did we ever have anything real? Was is it all just kind of dream? Did I ever mean anything more to him?
I forget I knew him, knew everything about him. I am forgetting the feeling of his arms around me, the warmth of his bed underneath the covers, the smell of his cologne. His laughter is now just an echo, the feel of his hand a shadow of a thought, his lips on mine has become a memory fluttering at the edge of nothingness.
It would seem like this would all be a good thing, but it's not. It's heart breaking and soul breaking. This is a death of some sort and I am left desperately plucking at the memories as they float up into oblivion.
Now I look to Time for help.
I look to Time for answers to the questions that can never be answered.
Look to Time to ease the hurt and calm the mind.
Time to forget.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Artofficially Great...
What an amazing night spent with family and friends underneath a clear cool night sky. I was on a high, fluttering from here and there, chatting up this person or that.
Artofficial just continues to grow and amaze hundreds of new fans with every new show. It was my official night out as a single woman, and they provided an awesome soundtrack.
Thanks.
Artofficial just continues to grow and amaze hundreds of new fans with every new show. It was my official night out as a single woman, and they provided an awesome soundtrack.
Thanks.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Randomness
I love when you have a great random night that otherwise would've been spent at home. I am coming out of my shell again, and it's so much fun. I did not realize just how much I had withdrawn from the social scene within the last 3 years.
I admit though, it's tiring. I am not 21 anymore :( Like I've said before, out with the old and in with the new! With this start of my new life, I'm in dire need of freshness and newness. I want to meet new people, make new friends, eat different foods and go to different places. I do not want to hinder my growth, but revel in it. I do not want to miss a single second.
I am finding myself at 27 and so far it's been a wonderful experience.
I admit though, it's tiring. I am not 21 anymore :( Like I've said before, out with the old and in with the new! With this start of my new life, I'm in dire need of freshness and newness. I want to meet new people, make new friends, eat different foods and go to different places. I do not want to hinder my growth, but revel in it. I do not want to miss a single second.
I am finding myself at 27 and so far it's been a wonderful experience.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
A little over 30...
I have written a little over 30 posts! I am so proud of myself <3 I hadn't written in almost 3 years and now I'm seeing how far I can go.
It also helps keeping my brain in good use. I have been out of school for such a long time, that sometimes I think my brain has shrunk. I lack interesting facts and tid bits. I feel boring. So, since I cannot allow myself to be boring, I've begun writing.
Writing is such a wonderful thing. Though as I sit here writing about writing, I am drawing a blank.
It doesn't help that I do most of writing while at work, so I'm pressed for time. I NEED to start re-reading my books again. I shall start with "The Spanish Tragedy" and work my way towards Shakespeare, a little Wordsworth, a touch of Wilde and a whole lotta Bukowski.
I haven't fallen in love with a writer in a long time, but that all changed when I was introduced to Bukowski. I honestly LOVE him <3 His writing just speaks to me on so many levels. I have ear marked soo many pages and kinda went crazy buying his books. Bukowski was human and you could almost touch him with his words. Not too many poets are so straight forward and honest. So many times poets lose themselves in abstract ideas and metaphors; the message is lost by the reader.
So, my new boyfriend is Bukowski, dead and everything.
It also helps keeping my brain in good use. I have been out of school for such a long time, that sometimes I think my brain has shrunk. I lack interesting facts and tid bits. I feel boring. So, since I cannot allow myself to be boring, I've begun writing.
Writing is such a wonderful thing. Though as I sit here writing about writing, I am drawing a blank.
It doesn't help that I do most of writing while at work, so I'm pressed for time. I NEED to start re-reading my books again. I shall start with "The Spanish Tragedy" and work my way towards Shakespeare, a little Wordsworth, a touch of Wilde and a whole lotta Bukowski.
I haven't fallen in love with a writer in a long time, but that all changed when I was introduced to Bukowski. I honestly LOVE him <3 His writing just speaks to me on so many levels. I have ear marked soo many pages and kinda went crazy buying his books. Bukowski was human and you could almost touch him with his words. Not too many poets are so straight forward and honest. So many times poets lose themselves in abstract ideas and metaphors; the message is lost by the reader.
So, my new boyfriend is Bukowski, dead and everything.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
November
It's the start of a new month. Thank goodness!
It's been almost a month now, and my will power is beginning to waver. It blows my mind how quickly 3 years can be over. I sometimes forget I was even in a relationship and that surprises me. It also makes me sad at times.
Forgetting is a great thing, it's the remembering that kills you. Memories, emotions, the hurt, it all floods your mind right when you think it's done. Now it's just this feeling of , "how can you?" I do not understand how someone can just literally walk away from something that was supposedly important. How can you walk away from such a big part of your life?
Eh, I do not think I will ever get those questions answered. Or the answers will never suffice. I am at the point in all of this that I want nothing to do with him. I cannot imagine being friends now or in the near future or any future at all. As it stands he obviously wants no part in my life nor mine in his. This was a relationship where everything came easy to him. I put in most of the work and let him slide by. I was the constant, but I am done with that now.
He will never be the one to call or to write or text. I am done with trying.
It's been almost a month now, and my will power is beginning to waver. It blows my mind how quickly 3 years can be over. I sometimes forget I was even in a relationship and that surprises me. It also makes me sad at times.
Forgetting is a great thing, it's the remembering that kills you. Memories, emotions, the hurt, it all floods your mind right when you think it's done. Now it's just this feeling of , "how can you?" I do not understand how someone can just literally walk away from something that was supposedly important. How can you walk away from such a big part of your life?
Eh, I do not think I will ever get those questions answered. Or the answers will never suffice. I am at the point in all of this that I want nothing to do with him. I cannot imagine being friends now or in the near future or any future at all. As it stands he obviously wants no part in my life nor mine in his. This was a relationship where everything came easy to him. I put in most of the work and let him slide by. I was the constant, but I am done with that now.
He will never be the one to call or to write or text. I am done with trying.
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