Past Weekend

What a weekend, filled with rebirth, life and death. I did some eating, praying and a whole lot of celibacy.
I am now officially Sebastian's aunt/godmother <3 How exciting! Not enough pressure though. I can imagine years down the road, my sister may question her decision to have chosen me.
I have yet to settle on any one belief and I'm on a permanent journey to find enlightenment, where ever it may take me. I'm a believer of many things, tied to different belief systems.
I am constantly searching for the truth, for knowledge and I don't believe it can be found in one religion. Faith is a beautiful idea and it gives so many hope when humanity cannot.
I can only hope that I'll be a good example for Sebastian and will have the answers to his questions as they will surely come.

Last time, I promise.

Is it really taboo for women to put their careers first, instead of creating a family? I was that girl once, when I was much younger. I was bitter about my parent’s divorce and had zero tolerance for men or relationships. I had decided that I was going to focus on excelling in school, graduating with my degree and beginning my career. That’s all I had time for, oh and family of course.

Then it happened, as it always happens. I fell in love for the first time, and I thought, wow, what a beautiful feeling. I was in high school and we were together for 4 years. In those 4 years, I did not veer from my path too much, but I was also young. For all the bitterness that I supposedly had, I realized that I still held hope in my heart.

Life does not stop for anyone or anything, not even love. Why then do women stop?? I am speaking in general terms, the older we become, the more willing we are to concede as long as there is marriage and children. When did that become acceptable?

Like I’ve mentioned previously, I too am guilty of letting it all go, but why?

So much of it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. I used to want so much out of life and then it became challenging and dark. I made plenty of mistakes, but it was also just circumstance. I had lost sight of my path. Instead of fighting to find it again, I just stumbled blindly.

My love for him was and is genuine, but my expectations were not. I had failed in so many other things, that I wanted to do this right, but according to who and of the expense of what? Men think they have social pressure, try being a woman. We are almost destined to fail. If we are career driven individuals, something is wrong with us. If do not have a husband and children before a certain age, something is wrong with us.

I have met so many women, who encouraged moving on from my relationship, all because he did not want to move in together. These women were all about getting rings and security. There did not seem to be room for anything else. Now, I realize how sad that is. It is sad, that women feel validated by who they are with. I, too had fallen into the trap. I wanted all those things, but now I realize for they were for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to be a mom, because I wanted something to call my own. I wanted the feeling of being needed. I understand that these feelings run much deeper, and trust me I've gone to therapists. You do not have children for these reasons, you get pets for these reasons. Marriage, same thing, I wanted to be wanted and needed. It somehow would validate my self worth. All of this stems from "daddy issues" which I can't seem to break free from. I have severe abandonment trauma and separation anxiety. 

I am a real winner, huh? I refer to all of those lovely attributes to what I call, "Crazy Yesi". Thankfully, she only comes out in extreme situations. Anyway, I digress. My point is, when did having the best of both worlds, become impossible? 

Well, this little lady right here, will do nothing of the sort again. It has cost me too much. I will stick to my guns,and pursue what makes me happy. I will carry this broken heart proudly, because it has brought out the old me.

Moving. Praying. Eating.

So it is finally here: Moving day. Well, not quite here, it's this weekend. I should be full of excitement, but instead I'm filled with doubt.

Can I do this? Am I ready?


I think it is a necessary step, towards where? I am not quite sure. It will definitely be a distraction, a positive one. It will also put some distance, though not nearly enough. I live in a room for god's sake, so packing shouldn't be difficult. Yet, I looked around last night as I crawled into bed and became anxious.



I was not expecting to do this on my own. Perhaps, this is another lesson. I'm re-evaluating my strengths and weaknesses. I have forgotten to do things on my own and for myself. So much of these last few years have been about "us" and not me.

One of the hardest things I've come to realize is just how much of my life was about "us" and I put my life on pause to an extent. He didn't though, he moved forward with his goals.

Why is it that women seem to forget themselves in relationships?

It is not the man's fault, but we do it to ourselves. I'm pretty screwed because I already am all or nothing to begin with. I have to learn to give Just give an inch.

So, now as I am on standing on a road, facing a new direction, I find myself praying. Praying to the Universe for peace and good judgement. I am not praying for love or a relationship, because that is not important. What I shall take away from all of this mess, is that perhaps, he was put in my life to help me realize just how much of old me is still present. Unfortunately, its taking major heartbreak to understand.

Moving. That is what it is all about, isn't it? I am hoping to leave behind the hurt, but I know it's not possible. It's okay though, every morning is another morning, another day filled with opportunity. The sadness will still stain my day, but it will no longer envelope it.

Tonight, I will begin packing.

Pathetic

Its hurts to be forgotten. How do you walk away from something that you invested completely in?
I wish I knew the secret of moving on. So, instead, I’m going to focus on just moving forward.
Dreams make it difficult to wake up.
Trying a different technique this time around. Instead of trying to delete him from my life and mind, I’m going to just live. While living, rediscovering and constant movement, I’m hoping he just fades into my past.
What is the point of wasting time and energy on trying to forget someone, when he is still in my heart?
Ill let you know how it goes.

Day 4: Eat, Pray, Change

Worked out
Checked my bank acct all by myself :)
Making moves,  making changes.

Had a minor set back on Monday, but who says you have to be strong 100% of the time? A little crying never killed anyone.

Ode to Love

This is for you.

Day 2 - Ode to Pumpkin

Who would have known that I'd fall in love with dogs as an adult? I have always liked dogs and had them as pets growing up, but they're meaning changes as you grow older.

I saved my first dog about a year ago from Miami Animal Services. The reason why I became inspired to adopt a dog, was because of a black feisty little dog named, Puma. My love affair with Puma began 3 years ago and it's still going strong.

I was never a fan of little fro-fro dogs, but this miniature pincher was different. Such a big personality in a small body. She took to me right away and it was difficult not to reciprocate. She knew what she wanted and got it when she wanted it. Puma was pushy, persistent, loving, adorable, stubborn and independent. Yes, all of that squeezed into one small package.

Puma was not my dog and so I decided that it was time. It took some convincing, and like Puma, I persisted until Mike relented. I could not have dogs at my grandparent's house, but I finally managed to convince Mike to get a dog.

I spent weeks scouring the web, trying to decide what I wanted. At first, I wanted another Puma, but peanut butter color. It had to be small and a female due to Diogi's inability to get along with other males. I searched through Petfinder, craigslist and finally Animal Services. Once I saw the pictures of the dogs, I knew that I had to adopt.

The honest truth is that Mike found Pumpkin. He pointed her out to me and I was not thrilled with what I saw. She look so skinny and the description said she was a chihuahua - a big no, no. We wrote her ID down and decided that our best option would be to just visit the place.

Once we got there, we went straight to the back and my heart broke instantly. So many dogs in cages, looking scared and sad. I thought to myself, I'm definitely walking out of here with a dog. So, we went to find Pumpkin.

It was love at first sight. She was the happiest puppy there as she pressed herself against the door begging to be pet. I received what was to be the first of many of Pumpkin's kisses that day. Mike had chosen our dog and thank goodness I had listened to him.

Once we got her home, she became acquainted with Diogi and Puma. Long story short, Puma and Pumpkin became fast friends and Diogi their protector.

I cannot begin to explain the joy that she brought to my life and to Mike's life. I think everyone can own a dog, but not everyone is lucky to find "the" dog. Pumpkin was the light of my life. I took her to training classes, which she graduated as the class Valedictorian. She munched on some chicken from Pollo Tropical that day.

As much as I loved her, I could not compete with Mike. Pumpkin LOVED Mike. They slept together spooning, while I was left to spoon with Puma. Little did we know, how short our time with Pumpkin would be.

Pumpkin had ehrlichia and we did not know it. We had already been taking her to the vet for her skin condition and anemia, but we later found out it was all linked to ehrlichia. Our beautiful girl, our happy, goofy girl would not survive it.

Thankfully she did not suffer for long, because it was tearing us apart watching the life being sapped out from her. Pumpkin passed away in her sleep and was buried next to Diogi.

I miss her every day, every minute of the day. My life is emptier, darker without her in it. Some people may scoff at this, because she was a dog. I honestly do not care. She was my baby girl and how my heart still aches.

There is something to be said about the love of an animal. They love unconditionally, always and freely. People should learn more from dogs.

I planted a garden for Pumpkin and I purposefully chose brightly colored flowers. I needed to mark her grave and I wanted it to be full of life and color, like she was.

Thank you, Pumpkin for all the beautiful memories, the joy and most of all, your love.

Day 1 - Hopeful

One can only hope for second chances, second encounters, second loves and so on. Hope is such a strong feeling, isn't it? Hopes keeps us going when all else is dark and gloomy. It also keeps us glued in place. Hope is a double edge sword. We could hope for the wrong things, people, love. You get the point.

How can we leave hope behind though? I know hope clings to me, hovering over me like the clouds over the ocean. I am mindfully aware of the hope, and the sadness. These are all normal and part of the healing process.

Now, I can only allow myself to hope for a better tomorrow, for a good day, for laughter, for peace.

I am also painfully aware of the soreness of my body and it makes me feel alive. It's good to know that you are still alive. There is nothing more proactive than working out while heart broken. I cannot wait to work out again. I can become addicted to pumped endorphins.

It is time for recovery, not hope. 

Single at 27

Here I am again. Here I am at this familiar place, that I was starting to forget. How is it that we meet again? Time. I let time be the ruler of thought and decisions. I forgot to just live in the moment, to dwell in the small moments, to just love without pretense. That is why my journey has led me back to the bench of Singlehood, to sit awhile. As a woman, it is difficult to just BE in a relationship, without checking a timetable to make sure we haven't fallen behind.

I always prided myself on being an independent woman, one with her own goals and dreams. I too fell into the trap. The terrible trap of domestication, of security, of wanting what society expects of you. I always wanted love, friendship and trust. I never was big on marriage and children. Do not be mistaken, I would love both, just when the time is right. I was always proud of the fact that I gave the birdie to time and social norms. I was going to do things my way and on my time.

How easy it seemed when I was younger. Then I met him. He was everything I had been looking for: smart, funny, trusting, honest, handsome and ambitious. It took a lot of patience and work on my part, but he was worth it. I'm not a woman easily deterred from a goal. Finally, it had happened, I had him. Then "it" happened. I became that girl. The girl that wanted a promise ring, to move in, marriage and kids and somehow all of her dreams got lost behind white picket fences.

I lost myself and my independence. It was my choice, because here I had found a rare gem of a man, who would allow me my freedom and I just wanted domestication. I became obsessed with it, you see. I saw it everywhere: engagements, babies, couples moving to the next step. Instead, I was with Mr. Live in the moment. What a beautiful idea, isn't it? Living in the moment, in the small moments, all the moments. Moments are what turn into hours, days, years and eventually memories. Moments are what relationships are built on. Somehow the idea became lost on me.

Me, the independent woman, had now succumbed to time and timetables and biological clocks. I lost sight of what I had and created pressure in the process. You see I had fallen in love with a free spirit who did not want constraints. He too lived outside of society's boundaries and was governed by his rules. That's one of things that drew me to him, he had a beautiful understanding of life and how it worked. I squandered it away, all for what? A ring on my finger? A life settled down? Somehow that had become what I wanted from life.

What had happened to that fiery soul, the passionate soul that wanted nothing but, to live life according to her rules? She was buried deep beneath insecurities, doubt and fear. She was blinded by a life that seemed easier, safer and acceptable. Since when did I care?

This is how I came to sit on this familiar bench, with my old friend solitude. Though it has only been a short while since I have lost my soul, I am already learning. He managed to break my heart, my soul and open my eyes. He is absolutely right, we are not right for each other, because I am not right. I see that now. In my heart I knew we could have had a beautiful love, relationship, life, but that was because my heart had not sold out. My mind, my logic, had lost it's sense of self.

Now I will sit here on this bench and stretch a while. It has been a long journey and I'm in no rush to move ahead. Instead I will sit and reflect and create change within myself. As an old dear friend said once, "you must first move the small pebbles before you can move a mountain". If the words are not exact, its as close to it as I am going to get.

So, at 27, I will begin my journey again, only this time, it will be with eyes wide open.