Single at 27

Here I am again. Here I am at this familiar place, that I was starting to forget. How is it that we meet again? Time. I let time be the ruler of thought and decisions. I forgot to just live in the moment, to dwell in the small moments, to just love without pretense. That is why my journey has led me back to the bench of Singlehood, to sit awhile. As a woman, it is difficult to just BE in a relationship, without checking a timetable to make sure we haven't fallen behind.

I always prided myself on being an independent woman, one with her own goals and dreams. I too fell into the trap. The terrible trap of domestication, of security, of wanting what society expects of you. I always wanted love, friendship and trust. I never was big on marriage and children. Do not be mistaken, I would love both, just when the time is right. I was always proud of the fact that I gave the birdie to time and social norms. I was going to do things my way and on my time.

How easy it seemed when I was younger. Then I met him. He was everything I had been looking for: smart, funny, trusting, honest, handsome and ambitious. It took a lot of patience and work on my part, but he was worth it. I'm not a woman easily deterred from a goal. Finally, it had happened, I had him. Then "it" happened. I became that girl. The girl that wanted a promise ring, to move in, marriage and kids and somehow all of her dreams got lost behind white picket fences.

I lost myself and my independence. It was my choice, because here I had found a rare gem of a man, who would allow me my freedom and I just wanted domestication. I became obsessed with it, you see. I saw it everywhere: engagements, babies, couples moving to the next step. Instead, I was with Mr. Live in the moment. What a beautiful idea, isn't it? Living in the moment, in the small moments, all the moments. Moments are what turn into hours, days, years and eventually memories. Moments are what relationships are built on. Somehow the idea became lost on me.

Me, the independent woman, had now succumbed to time and timetables and biological clocks. I lost sight of what I had and created pressure in the process. You see I had fallen in love with a free spirit who did not want constraints. He too lived outside of society's boundaries and was governed by his rules. That's one of things that drew me to him, he had a beautiful understanding of life and how it worked. I squandered it away, all for what? A ring on my finger? A life settled down? Somehow that had become what I wanted from life.

What had happened to that fiery soul, the passionate soul that wanted nothing but, to live life according to her rules? She was buried deep beneath insecurities, doubt and fear. She was blinded by a life that seemed easier, safer and acceptable. Since when did I care?

This is how I came to sit on this familiar bench, with my old friend solitude. Though it has only been a short while since I have lost my soul, I am already learning. He managed to break my heart, my soul and open my eyes. He is absolutely right, we are not right for each other, because I am not right. I see that now. In my heart I knew we could have had a beautiful love, relationship, life, but that was because my heart had not sold out. My mind, my logic, had lost it's sense of self.

Now I will sit here on this bench and stretch a while. It has been a long journey and I'm in no rush to move ahead. Instead I will sit and reflect and create change within myself. As an old dear friend said once, "you must first move the small pebbles before you can move a mountain". If the words are not exact, its as close to it as I am going to get.

So, at 27, I will begin my journey again, only this time, it will be with eyes wide open.