Happy Halloween!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe Halloween!!

Bukowski

“I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.”
― Charles Bukowski

Let the Countdown Continue

Two weeks. I made it to two weeks. Two long, hard weeks. I must admit though, that it's getting easier. I haven't cried in a while and I haven't felt like I was dying in a bit. I have decided to try to make it to the end of the year without any contact. I would like to start my new year fresh and without too much baggage.

Well, I may have to make an exception next weekend. I will worry about that when the time comes. The Holidays are going to be trying and I will have to remain focused. I'm going to miss my home girl's pineapple ham on Thanksgiving. That too shall pass. Everyday is an opportunity for new beginnings and new memories.

Now that we're on the topic of new beginnings; it is time for a new tattoo. I like to mark passages of time with a tattoo. Truth be told, I only have one tattoo that serves as a reminder of what was and what can be.  This has been a pretty important shift in my life and I need to mark it. It's not everyday that you have to begin your life anew. Most people will most likely find my next tattoo silly, but I do not care. I am getting a pumpkin somewhere near my foot. It is a pumpkin for Pumpkin. Since I cannot visit her grave, I will carry her with me always.

Who would've thought that a baseball cap could be so useful? Besides looking like Michael Moore's sister, it's wonderful to flatten hair.

On a random note:

Pumpkins and Puma

My favorite holiday is right around the corner and I have not purchased a pumpkin. I must remedy this, immediately! It would be my first official pumpkin that I will be carving. Last year I supervised and made sure that Pumpkin and Puma weren't eating pumpkin seeds. This is the first year in what seems forever that I have so many invites to Halloween parties.

I don't even have a costume yet. I should dress up as a pumpkin!

Pumpkin has been on my mind lately :( It's incredible how much I miss her. Puma. I miss her. A lot. Break ups ruin so many precious things. I have been robbed of my puppies. I wonder how long it will take before her memory of me fades away?

Inevitable Change

I am feeling anxious. Opportunity is knocking on my door and I'm wary of opening the door. I believe that situations are put in your path for a reason. I cannot ignore this and risk missing out on something positive.

I have never felt more on the edge of something new. I am literally opening a new chapter in my life and for the first time, I am completely aware of it. Usually, my life tumbles out of control, resulting in a mess. This is a refreshing change, for once.

Perhaps it is due to my openness to the world and fate. I am attracting positive vibes and let me tell you, it's addictive. I have finally learned that my depression was a suffocating cloud, blocking out any chance of growth. Now I'm like a root sprouting up ready to break ground and embrace life. I am embracing my past, present and future, instead of drowning in them. I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and past mistake and I'm being proactive.

As painful as this experience has been, I cannot help but to believe that is was meant to happen. I do not think I'd ever reach this point in my personal growth, otherwise. Of course I wish it could have been different, but one day I will understand. I do not think we will ever reconnect and that sense of loss is what I still struggle with. The lack of concern and detachment have the been the hardest to deal with, but it has helped with the healing.

I have continued with out of sight and out of mind. It seems to be a mutual goal.

Thank god for crossfit, family and friends. 

The xx - Heart Skipped A Beat

Crisp Freshness...

This weather has put a hop in my step. Such simple things as a change of weather can make me so happy. It's been so nice to crawl back into my old skin. I think it helps to be surrounded by such amazing people <3 I have grown so much as human being and I'm living mindfully.

I have made decisions that in the past I would've been too blind by emotions to make. I have taken the initiative this time around and it feels great. Something has shifted inside of me or has clicked into place. I am content with myself for the first time in many years. I am being proactive and active everyday. I have set goals and I'm going to do whatever it takes to fulfill them.

Women are pretty amazing creatures.

Changing of the Leaves

Life is like the changing of the seasons, erratic and consistent at the same time. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow or see where the wind blows you. The year is almost to a close and it's time to clean house. I am a firm believer in giving away what is unused and unneeded. That way you are leaving room for the newness that life will surely offer.

I started my New Year's resolution about 3 months early and not a minute too late. I am no longer worried or stressed about the "big picture". I have finally realized that there are some things that cannot be controlled.

With time mysteries will be unveiled and people's true nature will come to light. You realize that perhaps things DO happen for a reason. You just have to be the best you and always remain true to yourself. It is not my not job to make people like or accept me, but it is my job to be a compassionate human being. Stop reaching for the unattainable and instead focus on what you already have.

The leaves will soon be changing colors and breaking away from their branches, much like me. I am breaking away from old habits and negative situations. I am changing into my old self, but with new outlooks.

I usually hate change and try with all my might to fight it. It is a losing battle and I finally see that. Change is inevitable much like a thunderstorm in the summer; its going to happen eventually.

Day 5 - Going Strong

I feel like I'm a recovering addict. I need countdowns though, they're encouraging.

One month of Crossfit and I'm hooked. People get rebounds to get over relationship and I do Crossfit. Crossfit is my rebound. The rush of endorphins, its like a high and I don't want it to stop. It's a bonus that I am getting into shape.

One month since my relationship ended. In that one month I underwent many changes, positive ones. I also felt the most hurt and lost in many years.

3 days ago, it finally happened. Everything fell into place and I was finally ready. I made the decision to finally put myself first. Life was going forward without me and I could not continue down that path. I severed our last connection and it felt incredibly right. I realized that I have a choice in this situation. I do have a say in my outcome.

My decision: to REALLY let go. This is the first time in the last 3 years and I admit, I'm a little scared. Out of sight, out of mind has become my motto. There's too much to look forward to and I refuse to spend one more moment crying.

2 weeks till my favorite holiday: Halloween. I will buy my pumpkin as I always do. I will decorate my home. Will it all be bittersweet? Of course, but I will push through it. If Crossfit has taught me anything, it's that I AM strong. Every workout that I survive, is another moment that I know I will survive.

The love will be there, but it will no longer dictate my emotions. Like everything else in  life, that too will eventually fade into wonderful memories. Memories that I will cherish my whole life time, but for now, I am cherishing the present moment.

Sometimes things happen that force a life altering change and it's sink or swim. I have decided that I am done sinking and I'm slowly making my way to the surface.

Onwards! Forward!

Can't Help It

It's no secret that I love you.

Disconnection

I did it and I did not have a panic attack. I have officially let go and I'm barely hanging on. Fingers crossed and all the luck in the world, please. I did not know what else to do. I am officially tired of feeling like this. I have to push forward one way or the other. He has and so shall I.

The End.

Time has unavoidably moved forward. The void grows deeper. There are times when I feel like I cannot do it and feel an overwhelming sadness. I do not know what else to do with myself. There are moments of desperation and dry heaving. I've never been more hurt and broken. I am tired, so tired of feeling like this.

I want to get off this roller coaster. I cannot handle the good days and the bad days. I need consistency in my life right now. It hurts to not talk and it hurts when we do.

I'm tired of writing about this.

I am done.

You Make it Hard

Always think of you:

It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun anymore I am sorry  
Sometimes it hurts so badly
I must cry out loud I am lonely

I am yours, you are mine  
You are what you are
You make it hard
 
Remember what we've said and done and felt About each othe
r Oh babe, have mercy
Don't let the past remind us of What we are not now
I am not dreamin'

I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
You make it hard

Tearin' yourself away from me now
You are free and I am crying
This does not mean I don't love you I do, 
that's forever Yes and for always

I am yours, you are mine  
You are what you are  
You make it hard
Something inside is telling me that I've got your secret
Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock And laughter the key to your heart And I love you
 
I am yours, you are mine  
You are what you are  
You make it hard
And you make it hard And you make it hard And you make it hard
 
Friday evenin', Sunday in the afternoon What have you got to lose? Tuesday mornin', please be gone, I'm tired of you What have you got to lose?
 
Can I tell it like it is? (Help me I'm suffering) Listen to me baby It's my heart that's a suffering (Help me I'm dying) It's a dying, that's what I have to lose
 
I've got an answer I'm going to fly away  
What have I got to lose?
Will you come see me Thursdays and Saturdays? (Baby baby baby)
What have you got to lose?
 
Chestnut brown canary
Ruby throated sparrow  
Sing the song, don't be long  
Thrill me to the marrow
 
Voices of the angels, ring around the moonlight Asking me, said she so free
How can you catch the sparrow?
 
Lacy, lilting, leery, losing love, lamenting Change my life, make it right Be my lady
 
Que Linda me la traiga cuba La reina de la mar caribe Cielo sol no tiene sangre alli­ Y que triste que no puedo vaya Oh va, oh va, va

Faster. Better. Stronger.

Last night I worked out harder than I ever have in my life. I pushed myself to continue until I felt my legs, arms or lungs would give out. It felt exhilarating and freeing. I have reached a place where I find myself exceeding my expectations. I cannot believe I am saying this, but crossfit is saving my sanity.

Through my strenuous workout last night, I also realized that I am worth it. I am finally beginning to put stock in my self worth. I am worth it and I am worth more than just sex. It has finally dawned on me, or maybe it's more of an acceptance that it isn't me. I am not the problem.

Let's not kid ourselves. There is always room for improvement and I indeed was not or am not perfect. Who knew that exercise could be so empowering?

Empower: to promote the self-actualization or influence of.
Such a heavy word. I love it. I am empowered. I am in the process of self-actualization.

I think it's important for women to feel empowered in all aspects of their life. We rely heavily on how men feel about us. Our self worth is only validated by the love and acceptance of a man. I am wiping my slate clean and starting over. I am a single, strong and intelligent woman. If he cannot see that, then it IS his problem.

The love is still there and it probably always will be. I may still cry and feel the sadness, but I can finally say: It's his loss. I never understood that phrase: it's his loss. It did not make sense to me. How can it be someones loss if they are the one walking away? Obviously they do not feel it is a loss. Those were my thoughts before, when I thought I was not good enough.

It will always be his loss, ladies. I tried to be the best and the universe knows that I put all of myself into it. I can rest assured that I did my part and I did it well. I have no regrets. Instead I will remain empowered and feel a little sad for him. It is sad, to walk away from the love and for what? There is only one Yesi and it's a shame that he has put an ocean between us.

I love him, but I have to love myself just a little bit more.

Unlearned Lessons

When will I learn?
It seems like an impossible task.
Life would be so much easier, if it were black and white.
I get lost in the grey.
Listen to your heart.
Well, that's what they say.
My heart says, "hold on, dear"
How can I?
No one ever said, the heart was right.
Repeated mistakes, once again repeated.
A sign?
Neither one of us could walk away.
There is an ocean of grey between us.
My heart the beacon of hopeless hope.
Will I be there in the end?
Will my heart's message eventually fade into the grey?
When is enough, enough?
Can I find my way through the yes and nos?
I should turn my back.
I should let go.
Shoulds, woulds, become an echo.
Life would be so much easier, if it were black and white.
So much easier.

-

Drawing a blank today. My brain is fuzzy.

Short and Sweet

After 2 years, I am getting to know you again. It's so nice to know not much has changed. I hope this meeting brings about positive change.

I appreciate all that you can do for me. This visit will hopefully be short and sweet. I just need a little support, that's all. Thank you for easing my mind.

See you soon, old friend.

Robot

I keep waiting for the easier part. I am still waiting.

I think it was a lie. There was never any real love. It was about convenience and availability.
It sucks when you are left to pick up the pieces and there are so many pieces.
After 2 years, I have fallen off the band wagon.
It's about survival at this point. All I care about is making it through the day.
Keeping my head down and eyes glued to the ground.
Right now there's only time for focusing on climbing out of the bed. Focusing on being a functioning human being.
That is all.