So, it's finally going to happen.
I have never been more anxious for time to pass.
Application has been sent.
I have applied to FAFSA.
Loans are getting situated.
Fall 2012 get ready for me!
May will mark the turning point:
Moving back in with the grandparents.
Going back to FIU.
Lately I have had the need to disconnect from my past.
To sever all ties.
So much leads back and I only want to move forward.
It feels good to be working towards something concrete.
I have not felt this driven, well, in years really.
I'm not quite at the finish line.
The roller coaster hasn't stopped, but it is slowing down.
I will take any reprieve that is given.
Tip: Work on finding the history of your relationship. What were the true underlying causes of the breakup? Don't be afraid to dig.
namaste.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Ending at the Beginning.
Prospective future:
Graduating before 30 - I really hope the world doesn't end this year.
Continuing volunteering at the animal shelter.
Owning another dog - yes, I will be adopting again.
Keeping some exercise routine, not necessarily CrossFit.
Practicing meditation.
Writing, writing and more writing.
Saving money for my trip to Ireland.
Finally go to Ireland.
Marry a Patrick O'Henry (not really).
Immediate goals:
Go to FIU admission office.
Start packing little by little.
Do something active every day.
Focus on the things you can control and let go of things you cannot.
Continue to work towards healing.
Stop comparing yourself to him - you are different.
Go over exercises from the book.
Reread areas that are helpful.
This is how my life will look for the next few years. It has been a long, arduous road that has led me back to school. If 21 year old me met 27 year old me, I'm sure she'd be quite surprised where life has led her. My life was always dictated by a time table created by my need to have control. Who would've ever imagined how far off the path I wandered.
So many of my experiences were brought on by my own hand. I can clearly draw the line between life's circumstances and my personal decisions. I have never been one to follow the easy route - in any aspect of my life.
So, here I am almost 4 years, a hundred life times later standing on a very familiar crossroad. I have traveled here many times and every time I have turned away - scared. Well, I have been stripped of everything - love, heart, identity, dreams. I am left with my bare essentials. I needed this, I needed to fall apart - to really fall apart - to get my second chance.
I know most who are close to me would think that back in 2007 should have held the epiphany, but it didn't. I can't explain why it didn't propel me to get my act together and push fear aside. Perhaps it was because I invested all of myself into this one person and was left broken. This broke me on a much deeper level and really forced me to figure out who I was.
Love is a potent emotion, one that I don't think anyone can ever really comprehend. It runs deep and strong, causing you to put yourself in a position that could leave you vulnerable. It pulls and pulls parts and thoughts and actions that even you didn't think you were capable of.
Love is the ultimate risk. It's a gamble - all in - all or nothing.
At least that's how I play the game. I believe this was the only way to bring me full circle. I needed my world to be torn down, so I would have the opportunity to build it back up again. I have said it before and I will say it again - this is my second chance - my clean slate.
Who would have thought, I would feel grateful? I am though. I am thankful he was able to foresee that our future together wasn't possible. He did me a favor, by breaking my heart - I had nothing left to do- but -start over.
Thanks.
Tip: Create realistic goals. Write them out and work towards them.
namaste.
Graduating before 30 - I really hope the world doesn't end this year.
Continuing volunteering at the animal shelter.
Owning another dog - yes, I will be adopting again.
Keeping some exercise routine, not necessarily CrossFit.
Practicing meditation.
Writing, writing and more writing.
Saving money for my trip to Ireland.
Finally go to Ireland.
Marry a Patrick O'Henry (not really).
Immediate goals:
Go to FIU admission office.
Start packing little by little.
Do something active every day.
Focus on the things you can control and let go of things you cannot.
Continue to work towards healing.
Stop comparing yourself to him - you are different.
Go over exercises from the book.
Reread areas that are helpful.
This is how my life will look for the next few years. It has been a long, arduous road that has led me back to school. If 21 year old me met 27 year old me, I'm sure she'd be quite surprised where life has led her. My life was always dictated by a time table created by my need to have control. Who would've ever imagined how far off the path I wandered.
So many of my experiences were brought on by my own hand. I can clearly draw the line between life's circumstances and my personal decisions. I have never been one to follow the easy route - in any aspect of my life.
So, here I am almost 4 years, a hundred life times later standing on a very familiar crossroad. I have traveled here many times and every time I have turned away - scared. Well, I have been stripped of everything - love, heart, identity, dreams. I am left with my bare essentials. I needed this, I needed to fall apart - to really fall apart - to get my second chance.
I know most who are close to me would think that back in 2007 should have held the epiphany, but it didn't. I can't explain why it didn't propel me to get my act together and push fear aside. Perhaps it was because I invested all of myself into this one person and was left broken. This broke me on a much deeper level and really forced me to figure out who I was.
Love is a potent emotion, one that I don't think anyone can ever really comprehend. It runs deep and strong, causing you to put yourself in a position that could leave you vulnerable. It pulls and pulls parts and thoughts and actions that even you didn't think you were capable of.
Love is the ultimate risk. It's a gamble - all in - all or nothing.
At least that's how I play the game. I believe this was the only way to bring me full circle. I needed my world to be torn down, so I would have the opportunity to build it back up again. I have said it before and I will say it again - this is my second chance - my clean slate.
Who would have thought, I would feel grateful? I am though. I am thankful he was able to foresee that our future together wasn't possible. He did me a favor, by breaking my heart - I had nothing left to do- but -start over.
Thanks.
Tip: Create realistic goals. Write them out and work towards them.
namaste.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Time flies...
when you're picking up the pieces. It will be 6 months in just 2 weeks. Six entire months, half of a year, 182 days and countless hours. It blows my mind that I have lived the last 6 months without him, the dogs, his family.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - it's bizarre. It has left me bereft of the little happiness I had gained. I recently read somewhere that one must work to keep their happiness. I don't pretend to be doing a great job, but I do try.
Realizing how much time has passed has only exacerbated my loneliness and has created a vacuum of missing. At least I know that I am not alone on this journey. Walking around with a phantom limb can become cumbersome.
The unknown is what pains my heart. You spend 3 years of your life with one person each moment blending into another moment of oneness - until words no longer need to be spoken. Until you know what he is thinking with just a glance at his face. Until your yous and mes become us and we.
Now, you can't remember the sound of his voice, his smile, the sound of his laugh.
-sigh-
May cannot get here any quicker.
Tip: Patience.
namaste.
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone - it's bizarre. It has left me bereft of the little happiness I had gained. I recently read somewhere that one must work to keep their happiness. I don't pretend to be doing a great job, but I do try.
Realizing how much time has passed has only exacerbated my loneliness and has created a vacuum of missing. At least I know that I am not alone on this journey. Walking around with a phantom limb can become cumbersome.
The unknown is what pains my heart. You spend 3 years of your life with one person each moment blending into another moment of oneness - until words no longer need to be spoken. Until you know what he is thinking with just a glance at his face. Until your yous and mes become us and we.
Now, you can't remember the sound of his voice, his smile, the sound of his laugh.
-sigh-
May cannot get here any quicker.
Tip: Patience.
namaste.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Hopeful Wishful Dreamful
Finally, went back to doing crossfit!
We had a 2 week break - unforeseen of course. Within those 2 weeks my mood changed drastically with meds and all.
I was never a believer that exercise could really improve your mood and help with depression. I always argued that if it was a chemical imbalance then exercise would do little.
Boy was I wrong.
At first I couldn't figure out why I was feeling super weepy, until my bestie reminded me that I had stopped doing crossfit.
duh!
Holy moly, she was absolutely right! I had just increased one of my meds and I still wasn't feeling like happy balanced self. So, ladies I don't care how tired you may feel - work out! Last night I felt re-energized and almost normal again.
What a relief. So no more missing crossfit!
I'm going to put it out there in the Universe because I need all the help I can get - supernatural and human. There's a pretty good chance that I can be enrolled in FIU by fall. Just the thought fills my belly with butterflies. I need every single one of you to cross your fingers, toes, eyes (unless driving).
Perhaps I'll graduate with my BA before 30?
Tip: Go outside this weekend. Go to a park, ride a bike, kayak, hang at the beach - just get some fresh air.
namaste.
We had a 2 week break - unforeseen of course. Within those 2 weeks my mood changed drastically with meds and all.
I was never a believer that exercise could really improve your mood and help with depression. I always argued that if it was a chemical imbalance then exercise would do little.
Boy was I wrong.
At first I couldn't figure out why I was feeling super weepy, until my bestie reminded me that I had stopped doing crossfit.
duh!
Holy moly, she was absolutely right! I had just increased one of my meds and I still wasn't feeling like happy balanced self. So, ladies I don't care how tired you may feel - work out! Last night I felt re-energized and almost normal again.
What a relief. So no more missing crossfit!
I'm going to put it out there in the Universe because I need all the help I can get - supernatural and human. There's a pretty good chance that I can be enrolled in FIU by fall. Just the thought fills my belly with butterflies. I need every single one of you to cross your fingers, toes, eyes (unless driving).
Perhaps I'll graduate with my BA before 30?
Tip: Go outside this weekend. Go to a park, ride a bike, kayak, hang at the beach - just get some fresh air.
namaste.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sigh of relief...
I apologize for my last few posts. They most certainly have been uninspiring. Life can get away from you so easily at times.
I had specific goals set for myself at the start of the new year and so far it's been a slow road. At least this Saturday I go in for volunteer training - yay! My next demon to tackle is making my first payment to FIU. Thankfully we're only in the 2nd month of the year - and yes it is almost ending - so I haven't wasted too much time.
I also found a Won Buddhist temple not too far from my house - I'm going to call to check if it's open to the public. Let's see if I'm brave enough to go meditate by my lonesome. I've lost track of the things that I want to do. I'm going to type them out and hang the list somewhere visible.
My birthday is almost a month away and I need to DO something. I cannot stay in this year - uh uh, no way. Last year was amazing though, so I need inspiration to strike! Camping? Fair? Dancing? Beach?
I think I've just been handed an opportunity to quickly pay FIU back. It's time to gather myself from the puddle I am beginning to resemble. I was doing great there for a moment and feeling happy for once. If you're experiencing something similar remember this is not a straight shot. This journey is like being on a boat in an ocean - you have nice calm days, you have days that the current pulls you back and there are days that current pulls you forward. The trick is, well, to stay on the boat.
Have faith that the Universe has not forsaken you. Sometimes a door closing, opens another door - one that couldn't be seen until you stepped onto this new path. Remember: believe in yourself and the strength that is in your heart and mind.
Tip: Reevaluate your life at the present moment. Write it out. Tweak what needs to be improved. Make a "To Do" list and jot down everything (realistic) that you want to do. Make it a point to try to do one a week. For example: I'm finally going to volunteer training this Saturday. Love and light - always.
namaste.
I had specific goals set for myself at the start of the new year and so far it's been a slow road. At least this Saturday I go in for volunteer training - yay! My next demon to tackle is making my first payment to FIU. Thankfully we're only in the 2nd month of the year - and yes it is almost ending - so I haven't wasted too much time.
I also found a Won Buddhist temple not too far from my house - I'm going to call to check if it's open to the public. Let's see if I'm brave enough to go meditate by my lonesome. I've lost track of the things that I want to do. I'm going to type them out and hang the list somewhere visible.
My birthday is almost a month away and I need to DO something. I cannot stay in this year - uh uh, no way. Last year was amazing though, so I need inspiration to strike! Camping? Fair? Dancing? Beach?
I think I've just been handed an opportunity to quickly pay FIU back. It's time to gather myself from the puddle I am beginning to resemble. I was doing great there for a moment and feeling happy for once. If you're experiencing something similar remember this is not a straight shot. This journey is like being on a boat in an ocean - you have nice calm days, you have days that the current pulls you back and there are days that current pulls you forward. The trick is, well, to stay on the boat.
Have faith that the Universe has not forsaken you. Sometimes a door closing, opens another door - one that couldn't be seen until you stepped onto this new path. Remember: believe in yourself and the strength that is in your heart and mind.
Tip: Reevaluate your life at the present moment. Write it out. Tweak what needs to be improved. Make a "To Do" list and jot down everything (realistic) that you want to do. Make it a point to try to do one a week. For example: I'm finally going to volunteer training this Saturday. Love and light - always.
namaste.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Cloudy Tuesday...
I woke up this morning thinking it was Friday - how disappointing. I was deep in my sleep and dream, so I woke up in the strange blurred line between dreams and reality. It was even more disappointing when I remembered it was only Tuesday - sigh.
So, crossfit has been temporarily over - another sigh. The sissy just started working and gets home late. On the upside I did work out last week with the bestie - not as hard as crossfit, but it was something. These last few days have been kind of blurry and I feel kinda like I'm floating. I can't even concentrate enough to write a blog everyday - unacceptable!
Not sure what's going on. My goal for this week is become more grounded - again. So, if you can tie this string around my ankle and yank me down - Thanks.
Need to feed the worm in my stomach.
Tip: Try to find balance in each day.
namaste.
So, crossfit has been temporarily over - another sigh. The sissy just started working and gets home late. On the upside I did work out last week with the bestie - not as hard as crossfit, but it was something. These last few days have been kind of blurry and I feel kinda like I'm floating. I can't even concentrate enough to write a blog everyday - unacceptable!
Not sure what's going on. My goal for this week is become more grounded - again. So, if you can tie this string around my ankle and yank me down - Thanks.
Need to feed the worm in my stomach.
Tip: Try to find balance in each day.
namaste.
Monday blues.
Argh. Woke up this morning with the only urge to cry. I have not continued to read my book for the last week. I have also lost track of my 30 day cleanse - shame on me. Perhaps I'm in a rut, one that I did not see myself crawling into.
I spent most of last week out of my house - hanging with the BFF. I can't do that this week, because I feel overwhelmed with the lack of time. I need to get myself back on a schedule. Refocusing is my goal for this week - NEED to.
My brain seems to be in a fog and I feel a disconnection - just going through the motions.
Uh uh. I can't continue down this oh familiar road. It is not easy being a woman, no not at all.
Can't wait to go home and work out. Working out never fails to lift my spirits. I swear I feel like I've been PMSing forever.
namaste.
I spent most of last week out of my house - hanging with the BFF. I can't do that this week, because I feel overwhelmed with the lack of time. I need to get myself back on a schedule. Refocusing is my goal for this week - NEED to.
My brain seems to be in a fog and I feel a disconnection - just going through the motions.
Uh uh. I can't continue down this oh familiar road. It is not easy being a woman, no not at all.
Can't wait to go home and work out. Working out never fails to lift my spirits. I swear I feel like I've been PMSing forever.
namaste.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Nothing a little TLC can't handle...
As you could probably guess - yesterday was one of those days. I just wanted to get home to mope freely on the couch, my bed, the floor or whatever.
Anyway, it didn't happen. Instead I vegetated on the couch with my fellow Ram watching music videos. I was able to push off my pity party for one more night.
namaste.
Anyway, it didn't happen. Instead I vegetated on the couch with my fellow Ram watching music videos. I was able to push off my pity party for one more night.
namaste.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
A little pissy, a lot over it.
I don't have anything inspirational right now or this week. It kinda sucks when someone you care about doesn't seem to care about your well being. It would be super easy for me to send a quick text, but I won't - I can't. Instead ladies, let's put his lack of interest to good use. Let it be another reason why you are so much better without him. Don't let that feeling of rejection motivate you to contact him. Use that feeling of rejection as a tool to help you Not contact him.
What? Are you too busy? Doing it for my benefit? All lies. The sooner you accept that very rarely is he doing it for your benefit - the happier you'll be. More often than not, it's just that he has moved on and that whole I want to be friends deal - crap. So as you feel your fingers itch to text, even if it is to just say hi - he wins. For every text, call, email - he wins. Always keep in mind: if he was interested, he'd know where to find you. If he cares to know how you are doing - he knows your number. Trust me it's not easy and I'm constantly reminding myself.
I have always reached out. I always convince myself it's not a big deal and that life's too short to play games. This isn't a game though - it is my reality. It is a big deal that he has not once tried to text, call - just to say hey, how are you, have a good week. Ladies, he is not staying at home wondering about you nor does have these very moments of temptations. No, instead he is living his life with the smug knowledge that eventually you are going to make contact. Jerk.
Prove him wrong, prove yourself wrong. For once in this long tale - put yourself first. Women cannot help themselves - almost. Our emotional attachments run deep and fog our reason. We are not very good at pretending we don't care and we're terrible at disengaging. Yet, it is very possible.
Before you reach for that phone - ask yourself this: What has he done for you lately? What interest has he shown? You and I both know the answers to the questions.
Tip: Reread your list of negative attributes and reasons why the relationship did not work. It's good to remind yourself of that - we are too eager to put on those rose colored glasses.
namaste.
What? Are you too busy? Doing it for my benefit? All lies. The sooner you accept that very rarely is he doing it for your benefit - the happier you'll be. More often than not, it's just that he has moved on and that whole I want to be friends deal - crap. So as you feel your fingers itch to text, even if it is to just say hi - he wins. For every text, call, email - he wins. Always keep in mind: if he was interested, he'd know where to find you. If he cares to know how you are doing - he knows your number. Trust me it's not easy and I'm constantly reminding myself.
I have always reached out. I always convince myself it's not a big deal and that life's too short to play games. This isn't a game though - it is my reality. It is a big deal that he has not once tried to text, call - just to say hey, how are you, have a good week. Ladies, he is not staying at home wondering about you nor does have these very moments of temptations. No, instead he is living his life with the smug knowledge that eventually you are going to make contact. Jerk.
Prove him wrong, prove yourself wrong. For once in this long tale - put yourself first. Women cannot help themselves - almost. Our emotional attachments run deep and fog our reason. We are not very good at pretending we don't care and we're terrible at disengaging. Yet, it is very possible.
Before you reach for that phone - ask yourself this: What has he done for you lately? What interest has he shown? You and I both know the answers to the questions.
Tip: Reread your list of negative attributes and reasons why the relationship did not work. It's good to remind yourself of that - we are too eager to put on those rose colored glasses.
namaste.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Post Valentine's Day
How did everyone survive yesterday? I did pretty well myself. No texts, calls or emails were made - Yippee! I had no emotional breakdown nor did I allow myself to be in a bad mood.
I actually ended up having Valentine's dinner with my mom and brother <3
I have discovered that I am somewhat bitter and have very little patience for mushy stuff. It's not always though and for the most part I'm happy to see others in love. It's important that I realize this, so I can work through it. I don't want to become a bitter woman, that grunts and growls at the mention of love.
It's been a few months, but I'm still not ready to go out there and date. The mere thought of having to flirt or be coy, causes heart palpitations. I have never been more afraid or stressed out over dating. This is a new realm that I'm sorting my way through. Don't worry, I'm not forcing anything. When the time is right, I assume I won't have a heart attack when a guy asks me to hang out. Until then, steer clear.
It's natural to crave the human touch, to be held, to snuggle or to simply hold hands. For now sleeping with the Grinch and Jack Skellington should suffice.
Tip: Give yourself a hug today.
namaste.
I actually ended up having Valentine's dinner with my mom and brother <3
I have discovered that I am somewhat bitter and have very little patience for mushy stuff. It's not always though and for the most part I'm happy to see others in love. It's important that I realize this, so I can work through it. I don't want to become a bitter woman, that grunts and growls at the mention of love.
It's been a few months, but I'm still not ready to go out there and date. The mere thought of having to flirt or be coy, causes heart palpitations. I have never been more afraid or stressed out over dating. This is a new realm that I'm sorting my way through. Don't worry, I'm not forcing anything. When the time is right, I assume I won't have a heart attack when a guy asks me to hang out. Until then, steer clear.
It's natural to crave the human touch, to be held, to snuggle or to simply hold hands. For now sleeping with the Grinch and Jack Skellington should suffice.
Tip: Give yourself a hug today.
namaste.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
St. Valentine's Day
Brief History of Valentine's Day:
So, I bought myself flowers, a cookie cake (shared with BFFs) and had a lovely evening - last night. I set the vase right next to my bed - it's hard to not smile when you wake up to flowers. I've taken the high road, ladies and gents. I slipped into a dress this morning, painted my lips red, fixed the hair and I feel nice.
It's time to make new memories on this day - positive ones. I started a day early. Last night turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. I plan on going grocery shopping, jogging and settling down with some yummy dinner and cookie cake for dessert. It is not the same as having a homemade cookie cake, but it will have to do.
Valentine's Day should be about spreading love to everyone: old, young, woman or man. So, buy yourself some flowers and remember to smile.
Tip: Do something that makes you feel good.
Namaste.
- It was first established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 A.D.
- Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the first recorded romantic link to St. Valentine's - when courtly love began to flourish.
- Paper Valentine's became extremely popular in the 19th century.
So, I bought myself flowers, a cookie cake (shared with BFFs) and had a lovely evening - last night. I set the vase right next to my bed - it's hard to not smile when you wake up to flowers. I've taken the high road, ladies and gents. I slipped into a dress this morning, painted my lips red, fixed the hair and I feel nice.
It's time to make new memories on this day - positive ones. I started a day early. Last night turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. I plan on going grocery shopping, jogging and settling down with some yummy dinner and cookie cake for dessert. It is not the same as having a homemade cookie cake, but it will have to do.
Valentine's Day should be about spreading love to everyone: old, young, woman or man. So, buy yourself some flowers and remember to smile.
Tip: Do something that makes you feel good.
Namaste.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Pre Valentine Massacre
There are times that I welcome Mondays and there are times when I don't. This morning, I'm definitely not welcoming Monday.
I need another day to recuperate. Last week was a lovely one, filled with positive vibes and hopefulness. It was a good week among a sea of mediocrity.
It is Valentine week...or at least till tomorrow. Now, this can be a challenging day (or 2) to maneuver, especially emotionally taxing. I myself am feeling pretty emotional today, but I will gather my wits and surpass this.
Now, there are various things you can do tomorrow to help conquer the Day of Love. Barf.
Tip: Whatever you decide to do tomorrow, please let it be proactive. Keep in mind that if he wanted to, he'd call or text you. Do not make yourself available for disappointment or otherwise.
Namaste.
I need another day to recuperate. Last week was a lovely one, filled with positive vibes and hopefulness. It was a good week among a sea of mediocrity.
It is Valentine week...or at least till tomorrow. Now, this can be a challenging day (or 2) to maneuver, especially emotionally taxing. I myself am feeling pretty emotional today, but I will gather my wits and surpass this.
Now, there are various things you can do tomorrow to help conquer the Day of Love. Barf.
- Wear red, wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. Remember that Love isn't exclusive and there are plenty people to love (moms, dads, friends, sisters. brothers, la la la).
- Wear black, growl at people when they get near you. Go home to a bottle of wine and a gallon of ice cream. (Remember though, we are trying to be proactive).
- BE STRONG. Use your bag of tricks to help you get through the day. Call up a fellow single friend and go out to dinner or take out. Everything always seems better when in good company.
- Use every tool in your armory and reread every exercise you have completed that has helped you move forward.
- Buy yourself flowers, dress up nice and take yourself out on a date (can be at home). Remember: It's about you now.
- Hide your phone, deactivate your profile, delete your email account and drive to Tampa.
- Wear red, Be Strong, hide your phone, get that pizza and go home to relax on the couch. Acknowledge that you are not the only single, sad little lady in Miami and take comfort in that.
Tip: Whatever you decide to do tomorrow, please let it be proactive. Keep in mind that if he wanted to, he'd call or text you. Do not make yourself available for disappointment or otherwise.
Namaste.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A pumpkin for Pumpkin
It has been done. I finally got it. It almost did not happen, but thanks to love and understanding of my friends everything worked out.
I also took my biggest step this morning and deleted it. I was given an opportunity earlier this week to really free myself of all temptations to communicate, but I had to share last night's experience first. I admit, I cried some, but it had to be done.
Anyway, I'm not feeling creative today.
See you kiddies.
Namaste.
I also took my biggest step this morning and deleted it. I was given an opportunity earlier this week to really free myself of all temptations to communicate, but I had to share last night's experience first. I admit, I cried some, but it had to be done.
Anyway, I'm not feeling creative today.
See you kiddies.
Namaste.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
It's a good feeling.
I feel good.
I feel happy.
For the first time in about 5 years - - I am finally feeling at home in my own skin.
Thank you for being there throughout my journey and never giving up on me.
That's all I got before I get emotional. Again.
namaste.
I feel happy.
For the first time in about 5 years - - I am finally feeling at home in my own skin.
Thank you for being there throughout my journey and never giving up on me.
That's all I got before I get emotional. Again.
namaste.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
102 and counting!
Tomorrow is the big day! I am beyond excited right now. I need these two days to fly, so I can be sitting getting my tattoo already. It has been extremely difficult to not post the design here or on Facebook, because I don't want to hear opinions. I also want the element of surprise on my side, because of the nature of the tattoo.
So I am writing my 102nd post - how cool is that? I cannot believe I have written 100+ posts - - it felt like it was just yesterday that I started writing again. I feel elated to have accomplished so much, especially since I was never a fan of letting people read my work. It also marks the days since the break up - how glad am I? Super!
It is actually comforting to me that I have made it past 100 + days intact. Yes, there have been more than enough bumps along my way, but I've managed to get up and dust myself off every single time. This is a testament to my strength and courage - 2 things I believed I sorely lacked. He told me on the 2nd day after our break up that I would be okay, because I was strong. I was of the strongest people he has ever met. I didn't believe him then - or 3 months later. At the moment I was dying inside (pretty much self-imploding) and the hurt was unbearable. So, I scoffed at the notion that I was strong.
Pfft. He was right, my family and friends were right.
It happens that he was right with a few things.
The Heartbreak Bible has proven to be quite a useful tool on my journey. I understand that some women aren't into the whole self help thing. My roommate for example, kinda just chuckled and shook her head when I should her the book. I for one, am open to try all sorts of different things. It's in my personality - I'm a dabbler. I'm also a believer that there are certain situations that require additional help outside of yourself.
It helps you to delve and dig deeper than you are probably willing to dig. I'm doing all the exercises which sometimes proves to be emotionally exhausting. Overall, I think it has contributed to this new phase/feeling that I seem to be entering. I won't dare say that I'm completely healed, but I'm starting to feel the first rays of hope. Let me tell you kiddies, it feels wonderful. I'm finally beginning to untangle myself and move more freely.
Tip: If you are still struggling with the hurt - try finding outside help. Positive help!! It doesn't have to be a self help book. It can be a friend, volunteering, therapy, writing - anything that you can draw strength from.
namaste.
So I am writing my 102nd post - how cool is that? I cannot believe I have written 100+ posts - - it felt like it was just yesterday that I started writing again. I feel elated to have accomplished so much, especially since I was never a fan of letting people read my work. It also marks the days since the break up - how glad am I? Super!
It is actually comforting to me that I have made it past 100 + days intact. Yes, there have been more than enough bumps along my way, but I've managed to get up and dust myself off every single time. This is a testament to my strength and courage - 2 things I believed I sorely lacked. He told me on the 2nd day after our break up that I would be okay, because I was strong. I was of the strongest people he has ever met. I didn't believe him then - or 3 months later. At the moment I was dying inside (pretty much self-imploding) and the hurt was unbearable. So, I scoffed at the notion that I was strong.
Pfft. He was right, my family and friends were right.
It happens that he was right with a few things.
The Heartbreak Bible has proven to be quite a useful tool on my journey. I understand that some women aren't into the whole self help thing. My roommate for example, kinda just chuckled and shook her head when I should her the book. I for one, am open to try all sorts of different things. It's in my personality - I'm a dabbler. I'm also a believer that there are certain situations that require additional help outside of yourself.
It helps you to delve and dig deeper than you are probably willing to dig. I'm doing all the exercises which sometimes proves to be emotionally exhausting. Overall, I think it has contributed to this new phase/feeling that I seem to be entering. I won't dare say that I'm completely healed, but I'm starting to feel the first rays of hope. Let me tell you kiddies, it feels wonderful. I'm finally beginning to untangle myself and move more freely.
Tip: If you are still struggling with the hurt - try finding outside help. Positive help!! It doesn't have to be a self help book. It can be a friend, volunteering, therapy, writing - anything that you can draw strength from.
namaste.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Lovahs and Bike rides.
After 3 years of struggling with my weight, I received the best compliment recently: I'm beginning to look less chubby and just thick. Now, for most girls, this is Not a compliment - I'm not most girls. I have learned to embrace my curves.
I have worked damn hard these last 4 months and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Considering the event that has me led me here, it's important to feel good about yourself. After my break up I was left wondering if another man would find me as attractive, as sexy, as sweet as he once did. It's a terrible moment for your ego - it's pretty much shot. In my case it did not help that I was over weight. There was a moment there that I thought, so, this is it, then.
No sir it is not. I work out to feel good about myself, the weight loss is a plus. Looks can only take you so far. He still finds me adorable and incredibly attractive, but is that enough? No, he is still not in love with me and I'm still falling out of love with him. I had a lot of fun when I was single a few years back. I went dancing, kept lovahs, but eventually it got old and the loneliness set in.
Perhaps this is why I'm not rushing into my old ways.
Perhaps this is why I have the ability to stay celibate for a year.
I am in no mood for quick physical satisfaction.
I want the moments in between.
I want to sit on a couch listening to music - just being in each others presence.
I want to go for a bike ride to grab some ice cream.
I want to hold hands while he's driving.
I rather take this time to heal, learn more about myself and what makes me tick. I rather take this time to do all those things that I put off for one reason or another.
Until I am ready to open myself to new possibilities - I am content to just be. It has taken me some time, but I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Tip: Continue to be strong, because whether you realize it or not - time is passing.
Namaste.
I have worked damn hard these last 4 months and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Considering the event that has me led me here, it's important to feel good about yourself. After my break up I was left wondering if another man would find me as attractive, as sexy, as sweet as he once did. It's a terrible moment for your ego - it's pretty much shot. In my case it did not help that I was over weight. There was a moment there that I thought, so, this is it, then.
No sir it is not. I work out to feel good about myself, the weight loss is a plus. Looks can only take you so far. He still finds me adorable and incredibly attractive, but is that enough? No, he is still not in love with me and I'm still falling out of love with him. I had a lot of fun when I was single a few years back. I went dancing, kept lovahs, but eventually it got old and the loneliness set in.
Perhaps this is why I'm not rushing into my old ways.
Perhaps this is why I have the ability to stay celibate for a year.
I am in no mood for quick physical satisfaction.
I want the moments in between.
I want to sit on a couch listening to music - just being in each others presence.
I want to go for a bike ride to grab some ice cream.
I want to hold hands while he's driving.
I rather take this time to heal, learn more about myself and what makes me tick. I rather take this time to do all those things that I put off for one reason or another.
Until I am ready to open myself to new possibilities - I am content to just be. It has taken me some time, but I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Tip: Continue to be strong, because whether you realize it or not - time is passing.
Namaste.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Battle Scars and Chastity Belts
More battle scars from crossFit! Blisters on both hands. Quiet painful and not very feminine. This weekend was filled with lots of movement. Crossfit, dancing and yoga!
Friday night was an unexpected outing, due to unintentionally setting myself up on a date of sorts. Needless to say I went to full panic mode and was scrambling to get out of it - thank the world for my bff. So, what would've been a night ending with an awkward "ain't gonna happen" moment - ended instead with a friendly kiss on the cheek.
Saturday morning was all about working out and creating more callouses on my once soft hands. Time with the family and evening with friends. I have become reacquainted with my dancing shoes and my, my isn't it liberating? I feel light on my feet again - I felt awkward before due to being uncomfortable with my body. Now? I'm your modern day Janet Jackson. Ha!
It is always infinitely more fun when you have fun people dancing with you. And what may have become a late/early Saturday tradition - 4 AM found us eating yummy croissants with mozzarella and basil. I passed out at the bff's house, something I have not done in years. I always go home -always-even if the sun is coming out. Had an opportunity for much missed human interaction, but I had another panic attack.
So, I ended my weekend with my celibacy intact - but I shan't lie. It had nothing to do with my vow, but more with a fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. This is all new to me. I have never been one to shy way from sex or sexual encounters. I'm a big believer of if you have an itch and an opportunity to scratch, well, scratch away.
Just the idea of cuddling with a man sends me into panic overdrive. I did not expect the break up to mess me up in that department. I know I'm not ready to have sex with other people yet, but I wasn't aware that I was afraid to. Sheesh. I really am starting over from scratch. Ladies, if you too are suffering from this, do not - I repeat - do not compare yourself to your ex. Chances are, he is doing just dandy and is probably immune to this illness. The upside to this - being celibate isn't going to be too difficult.
Tip: Start exercising. I cannot begin to tell you the wonders of working out. I know it's hard to imagine even moving sometimes, but it will be worth it. Just having endorphins pumped into your system is reason enough. Exercising was my anchor, my buoy that kept me from drowning. I did not begin working out to lose weight - I began working out for my sanity. So, do yourself a favor and go for a walk.
Namaste.
Friday night was an unexpected outing, due to unintentionally setting myself up on a date of sorts. Needless to say I went to full panic mode and was scrambling to get out of it - thank the world for my bff. So, what would've been a night ending with an awkward "ain't gonna happen" moment - ended instead with a friendly kiss on the cheek.
Saturday morning was all about working out and creating more callouses on my once soft hands. Time with the family and evening with friends. I have become reacquainted with my dancing shoes and my, my isn't it liberating? I feel light on my feet again - I felt awkward before due to being uncomfortable with my body. Now? I'm your modern day Janet Jackson. Ha!
It is always infinitely more fun when you have fun people dancing with you. And what may have become a late/early Saturday tradition - 4 AM found us eating yummy croissants with mozzarella and basil. I passed out at the bff's house, something I have not done in years. I always go home -always-even if the sun is coming out. Had an opportunity for much missed human interaction, but I had another panic attack.
So, I ended my weekend with my celibacy intact - but I shan't lie. It had nothing to do with my vow, but more with a fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. This is all new to me. I have never been one to shy way from sex or sexual encounters. I'm a big believer of if you have an itch and an opportunity to scratch, well, scratch away.
Just the idea of cuddling with a man sends me into panic overdrive. I did not expect the break up to mess me up in that department. I know I'm not ready to have sex with other people yet, but I wasn't aware that I was afraid to. Sheesh. I really am starting over from scratch. Ladies, if you too are suffering from this, do not - I repeat - do not compare yourself to your ex. Chances are, he is doing just dandy and is probably immune to this illness. The upside to this - being celibate isn't going to be too difficult.
Tip: Start exercising. I cannot begin to tell you the wonders of working out. I know it's hard to imagine even moving sometimes, but it will be worth it. Just having endorphins pumped into your system is reason enough. Exercising was my anchor, my buoy that kept me from drowning. I did not begin working out to lose weight - I began working out for my sanity. So, do yourself a favor and go for a walk.
Namaste.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Merry Happy Joyious Friday!
Went by Einstein's and no wolf - just the hippie. I was so looking forward to taking a real picture of her.
This has been a rough week of late nights and long days. I'm going to do crossfit after work and then vegetate at home.
So Valentine's Day is in about 2 weeks - thank goodness it's on a week day. The closer we get, I will provide fun tips to survive the holiday of Love - - barf.
I saw the design for my Pumpkin tattoo and it's more than I expected. I cannot wait for next Thursday to roll around. I became a little emotional seeing the idea that was in my head, on paper - concrete. I cannot think of a better tattoo to celebrate my love and her life even as short as it was. It's been extremely difficult not being able to cultivate the garden I planted for her and DOG. To not be able to just visit the place where she ran around, slept, played and loved me has been quite a challenge.
It is getting easier since I received my very own Pumpkin ornament and now with this tattoo - she will be with me - - permanently. In missing Pumpkin and DOG, I also sorely miss Puma <3
Bear with me here as I may go off on a tangent. I have always been a champion for women's rights and this latest attack on Planned Parenthood has me up in arms! The Susan G. Komen Foundation has reversed it's funding decision - Victory!! Politicians have no place in the going ons in a woman's life. Whether a woman decides to have an abortion, or start birth control pills, or anything else for that matter should never be anybody's decision but her own.
That's all I got today kiddies. Not much. So sorry.
Tip: Do something for yourself this weekend. Yoga, your nails, buy a new book, get a hair cut or just stay at home and relax. Remember with each day that passes, is another step away from the hurt.
namaste.
This has been a rough week of late nights and long days. I'm going to do crossfit after work and then vegetate at home.
So Valentine's Day is in about 2 weeks - thank goodness it's on a week day. The closer we get, I will provide fun tips to survive the holiday of Love - - barf.
I saw the design for my Pumpkin tattoo and it's more than I expected. I cannot wait for next Thursday to roll around. I became a little emotional seeing the idea that was in my head, on paper - concrete. I cannot think of a better tattoo to celebrate my love and her life even as short as it was. It's been extremely difficult not being able to cultivate the garden I planted for her and DOG. To not be able to just visit the place where she ran around, slept, played and loved me has been quite a challenge.
It is getting easier since I received my very own Pumpkin ornament and now with this tattoo - she will be with me - - permanently. In missing Pumpkin and DOG, I also sorely miss Puma <3
Bear with me here as I may go off on a tangent. I have always been a champion for women's rights and this latest attack on Planned Parenthood has me up in arms! The Susan G. Komen Foundation has reversed it's funding decision - Victory!! Politicians have no place in the going ons in a woman's life. Whether a woman decides to have an abortion, or start birth control pills, or anything else for that matter should never be anybody's decision but her own.
That's all I got today kiddies. Not much. So sorry.
Tip: Do something for yourself this weekend. Yoga, your nails, buy a new book, get a hair cut or just stay at home and relax. Remember with each day that passes, is another step away from the hurt.
namaste.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dusting myself off...
I failed myself last night. I've learned and will move forward.
This day next week I will be getting my Pumpkin tattoo (hopefully)! I am beyond excited, especially since I've had this idea for a while now.
I understand that some people will find it ridiculous to get a tattoo in remembrance of a dog - pfft. You're lucky I didn't decided to get her face tattooed to my leg or something. She was definitely pretty enough <3
On a side note: The wolf was there again. I'm going to need to start doing extra burpees if I keep up this Einstein habit. I have to go at least one more time to get an actual picture! I tried to be sneaky this morning, but all I ended up with was a blurry fur thing.
As hard is it may be right now, it works - the distance. I feel a relief to be able to use my facebook without constantly scanning my chat list. Don't get it twisted, my want to see him is still there, but eventually with each passing day it will loosen it's grip - - right?
This "Breakup Bible" is no joke. I have been working on the same exercise for 3 days now and I'm still not finished. Phew! It is a lot of digging and scoops full of honesty, sprinkled with reality. It's for you, right? so there is no need for pretense.
I am finally getting fingerprinted on Monday, so fingers crossed I can start volunteering the following weekend! Can't wait to roll up my sleeves and start saving dogs and cats.
Tip: It's natural to feel lonely especially when ending a long term relationship, but staying home all the time is unhealthy. You need to get out and try new things. I for one am volunteering at my local animal shelter.
P.S. Okay, so those who are close to me know my feelings about the whole shaving/waxing thing. Why women can't just be in their natural glory - beats me. Anyway, I recently have decided to join the 21st century. No more painful waxing for this gal - thanks to an electrical razor. I'm taking this new chapter of my life to heart and going out on a limb here.
This day next week I will be getting my Pumpkin tattoo (hopefully)! I am beyond excited, especially since I've had this idea for a while now.
I understand that some people will find it ridiculous to get a tattoo in remembrance of a dog - pfft. You're lucky I didn't decided to get her face tattooed to my leg or something. She was definitely pretty enough <3
On a side note: The wolf was there again. I'm going to need to start doing extra burpees if I keep up this Einstein habit. I have to go at least one more time to get an actual picture! I tried to be sneaky this morning, but all I ended up with was a blurry fur thing.
As hard is it may be right now, it works - the distance. I feel a relief to be able to use my facebook without constantly scanning my chat list. Don't get it twisted, my want to see him is still there, but eventually with each passing day it will loosen it's grip - - right?
This "Breakup Bible" is no joke. I have been working on the same exercise for 3 days now and I'm still not finished. Phew! It is a lot of digging and scoops full of honesty, sprinkled with reality. It's for you, right? so there is no need for pretense.
I am finally getting fingerprinted on Monday, so fingers crossed I can start volunteering the following weekend! Can't wait to roll up my sleeves and start saving dogs and cats.
Tip: It's natural to feel lonely especially when ending a long term relationship, but staying home all the time is unhealthy. You need to get out and try new things. I for one am volunteering at my local animal shelter.
P.S. Okay, so those who are close to me know my feelings about the whole shaving/waxing thing. Why women can't just be in their natural glory - beats me. Anyway, I recently have decided to join the 21st century. No more painful waxing for this gal - thanks to an electrical razor. I'm taking this new chapter of my life to heart and going out on a limb here.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Feeling wolfy...
So, I didn't go to the tattoo parlor to get a quote on my Pumpkin tat. Sometimes, you have to put your wants aside and be there for the important people in your life.
Yesterday was about being the supportive daughter and best friend. The tattoo can wait. Well, at least till today :)
This morning I met a Timber wolf at an Einstein - of all places. She was magnificent in all her wolfy glory. This has made my morning! She wasn't very big, but she commanded attention and respect. You just never know what tomorrow may bring.
It's just like Life, to give you 2 crappy days only to surprise you with such a rare gift on a random Wednesday morning. I guess that's why one should never give up on Life - never know what's just around the corner.
I have been giving a sign of sorts this morning. Wolves are loyal, fearless, survivors, leaders - the list can go on and on. The Universe is letting me know that I will be okay, because I too am fearless and a survivor. I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking this is all just a bunch of hocus pocus, magical crap. Read "The Alchemist" and then come back to me with rolling eyes.
It's all about learning to listen to the Universe and your heart to lead you in the right direction. Everyone has a path to follow, but for the most part we let fear dictate our decisions and never fulfill our destiny. Anyway, my heart though damaged is wide open - a benefit from a broken heart - and I'm listening.
I'm on the right path and will continue with the 30 day Cleanse, 1 year of celibacy and everything else that's in my bag of tricks. And let me tell you ladies, yesterday was a tough day - I removed him again. Of course the need to reach out to him was instantaneous, but I fought it off. Here I am, another day, another opportunity for healing and growth.
I apologize for this uninspired post - my too tired brain's fault.
Namaste.
Yesterday was about being the supportive daughter and best friend. The tattoo can wait. Well, at least till today :)
This morning I met a Timber wolf at an Einstein - of all places. She was magnificent in all her wolfy glory. This has made my morning! She wasn't very big, but she commanded attention and respect. You just never know what tomorrow may bring.
It's just like Life, to give you 2 crappy days only to surprise you with such a rare gift on a random Wednesday morning. I guess that's why one should never give up on Life - never know what's just around the corner.
I have been giving a sign of sorts this morning. Wolves are loyal, fearless, survivors, leaders - the list can go on and on. The Universe is letting me know that I will be okay, because I too am fearless and a survivor. I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking this is all just a bunch of hocus pocus, magical crap. Read "The Alchemist" and then come back to me with rolling eyes.
It's all about learning to listen to the Universe and your heart to lead you in the right direction. Everyone has a path to follow, but for the most part we let fear dictate our decisions and never fulfill our destiny. Anyway, my heart though damaged is wide open - a benefit from a broken heart - and I'm listening.
I'm on the right path and will continue with the 30 day Cleanse, 1 year of celibacy and everything else that's in my bag of tricks. And let me tell you ladies, yesterday was a tough day - I removed him again. Of course the need to reach out to him was instantaneous, but I fought it off. Here I am, another day, another opportunity for healing and growth.
I apologize for this uninspired post - my too tired brain's fault.
Namaste.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)