Casi, casi

Birthday weekend! Yippee.

Not really feeling it. So, I'm glad to announce that my bff will be moving back to the Miller Square area as well. This makes me super happy!
I will not be alone and will have a place to hide out. The Universe has taken pity upon me.

Ladies you all know that birthdays, like most holidays are difficult -especially if its the 1st one after the break-up. This Sunday is my birthday and it's my 1st birthday being single. Last year I was walking into the greatest surprise party of my life, with him by my side. It has been the best birthday so far and I don't imagine there being another one to compete.

I have resolved to continue on my path of recovery and to not cave even if drunk. This is going to be a dangerous weekend - lots of drinking, memories.

Thankfully, I'll have my friends and family with me - standing guard.

Survival Tips:

•  Leave your phone at home or if you absolutely need it - give it to a friend to hold.
• Dress up - make yourself feel pretty.
• Flirt with a cute guy (I know , ALot easier said than done)
• Mingle with everyone - it'll keep your mind preoccupied.
• If you feel the texting itch creep up - DANCE!
• Drinking makes some of us single ladies a little hot under the collar - Dance it off!
• Be flexible to plan changes.
• Remember to have fun - it's your birthday!

Fingers crossed. Wish me luck!

namaste.

Time waits for no one.

Woke up from a stupid dream this morning - must be because my birthday is this weekend. I always have dreams when it's a special occasion. For the most part I try to not think about him at all.

Lately, I have been analyzing time and how it different my friends lives have become from one month to the next. Both of my best friends have found their life partners within a span of a year. Within a year, I will be returning to school and hopefully graduating.

There's no white picket fences or wedding bells, but this is just as important if not more. I've also rehashed some of my not so fine moments. I feel so separated from that, but its a good reminder of how far I've come.

It went from an intense year of feeling so alive - socializing, lots of partying, making new friends, hanging with old ones. It all came crashing down at the end of the year. The next year was a stark contrast - I was empty inside, robotic, completely void of life. Until I met him.

I have taken this break up in stride in comparison to years ago. I still feel very much alive, if not a little broken. So, I'm taking the positives where I can find them. My official year begins on Sunday and I can't wait. Every month that passes is one month further away from September.

Needless to say that I have my moments of impatience- I want to see where I'm going to be a year from now. Always looking for the big picture. Well, not so much, because I am trying to live in the moment - to really feel the loss, the healing, the hope. I don't think I will fully learn the lessons and grow from this if I'm constantly focusing on months ahead.

I cannot afford to miss the lessons or mistakes will be repeated. There are certain behavioral traits that I need to work on. Until I do, until I feel as though I have grown from this terrible experience - I'm staying alone.

You waste so much time in the break up engaging dance. Time that could have been spent healing. Oh well, should haves, would haves. This time around it's finally different - I am different. My disconnection is final - about time too.

namaste.

Wishful Wednesday

I have officially finished all my pending items for Financial Aid! How excited am I? Extremely.
Now, I just have to wait to see what type of financial aid I'm offered.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am 99% there. May couldn't get here any quicker! Thankfully I will have moving and the cruise to keep me busy. Also, I just realized that I don't necessarily have to wait till May to make my payments.

I can basically start in April, after my last rent payment.

Side note: This goes out to all my full figured ladies. So, I'm on this make yourself feel good trip and I decided to brave the world of strapless bras. Guys this is where you may want to check out. May I just say, that I hate them. I did in fact purchase one, but I hate the sensation of being without straps. I feel completely naked. Just another reason why being a woman is difficult. My annoyance abated a bit once I purchased 2 spaghetti strapped dresses for the cruise.

I'm giving myself a minor make over - Yesi style.

Strapless bra - check!
Contacts - check! (later this afternoon)
Tattoo - check!
Hair - tough one...trying to decide whether it's time to chop it off again.

 P.s. I'm taking suggestions for convincing my grandparents to allow me to adopt a god.

namaste.

I'm wide awake.

I don't remember researching teaching abroad programs being so overwhelming. I just want one clear and concise website. The research has begun in search of career ideas.

I'm trying to formulate a plan for my future, since it is so close at hand. For so long, my plan was to finish my BA program and Ireland. Now, I don't know. Unbelievably I will hopefully have both scratched off by the end of 2013.

Then I'm left with that question: "what now?" hanging over my head. I have never dealt well with the unknown. We all know by now, that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about having a plan.

As a woman I find it somewhat difficult since I've disqualified marriage and children as options. So many women probably walk along this track: Finish school, work for a while, find a suitable man, marry and have kids. There leaves little room for travel, relocation, and freedom.

Admittedly I am still getting use to the feel in my mouth, my thoughts, my plans. Perhaps due to having a vagina it does cause some fear. Its never easy to venture out on a thin limb. Most women know from a young age when they don't want to be mothers or wives. For the better part of my childhood I knew, but then I was introduced to love.

Now, I know it's what I want and what is right for me, but I'm still scared. Being single plays tricks on you. One day you're perfectly content in your own skin - alone and then BAM the loneliness comes a-knocking.

Oh and what is it with missing someone you don't want back? What is the purpose of that? I find myself missing him, but I have to constantly remind myself that it's ridiculous because I would never in my right mind be with him again. Yet, I do. I miss him.

Ha. That reminds me. Ladies was there ever something that your partner didn't particularly like on you or for you, but you did? For example: short hair, long dresses, baggy shirts, mom jeans, etc. Well, my chickadees, I recommend doing whatever it was that he didn't like. I for one, spent little time before I went to chop off my hair. I still wear baggy shirts, but I am missing one. The long dress.

It seems silly - I know. But, if done for the right intentions - it feels like you're peeling away on old heavy layer from the past.

try it.

namaste.

My apologies...

So my birthday is coming up and I'm not excited.
I'm going to the Fair with family and friends to stuff my face.
My motivation level is quite low at this current juncture.

I am literally just counting down till May and Ill continue till August.

Thankfully there are a few events in between that time to keep me entertained:

• My birthday weekend
• Packing
• The Cruise!
• Packing
• Moving out
• Moving in
• Working out
• Volunteering

From May to August I'm going to have to get creative. There's 4th of July of course, Cinco de Mayo, cousins birthdays, etc. Somewhere in the middle I have to make time to visit Tampa. I'm also going to continue my hunt for a job on campus. I would love to not have to drive by UM every morning.

I spent the majority of this weekend reading. I finally caved and purchased "The Hunger Games". I know, I'm late to the game - it was the same thing with the Twilight saga. So far, I like it a lot better than Twilight. It is very well written and admittedly has me itching to turn the page. Needless to say, I understand the following it has earned.

Exciting news: We will be getting together to begin planning our trip to Ireland soon!

Confession: I have become incredibly lazy and have stopped reading "The Heart Break Bible", as well as stopped working on the exercises.

namaste.

Emerald Isle Tuesday

Good Morning Vietnam!

So I had an extremely Irish weekend - being St. Patty's Day and all. More than that though, it seems the Universe has conspired once again to bombard me with signs.

It seems that this little leprechaun will be going to Ireland next year. It is for certain - just as long as I graduate. My flight will be a graduation gift from my sister and brother-in-law. Even before knowing that, my best friend told me that she was going to help me plan my trip.

She had decided that she was going to go with me and we were even setting up a meeting to figure out how much to save a month. That alone was the closest I have ever been to really planning my trip and now with this gift. I think I'm in shock and will probably remain so until someone puts a ticket in my hand.

It has been a dream of mine for as long as I remember. Braveheart. That was the culprit of this almost life long dream and goal of mine. I know it's a Scottish story, but the movie itself was filmed in Ireland. After that, I'm not sure how it grew, but my love for Ireland just continued until it was no longer a want, but a need to visit.

Perhaps because I'm a writer with a penchant for believing in magic, fairies, and full moons. The Universe indeed has granted me a second chance to get my life right. A second chance to succeed and finish school. Finally, the gumption (with help from friends and family) to make my trip to Ireland a reality.

Needless to say I am looking forward to the latter half of this year.

namaste.

Monday Morning bluesy blues

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Fish of Past and Present

Had a great time last night hanging out with old friends.
Learned a new and successful way to bowl.
It was refreshing and comforting to see some of these faces after so long.

I'm excited to say that everything is basically on track for my grand return to FIU. The IRS needs to get it together - damn it! Apparently you can't reach a human being when calling the IRS. Anyway, all that is left for me to do is pay.

I went running two nights ago and I was pleased with my progress. I haven't done crossfit in practically a month, but my endurance is still there. Thank goodness. I know that running isn't going to be enough, but for now it is better than sitting at home.

I've been lazy and stopped reading my book - books in general. Kinda lost focus for a bit. I didn't want to deal with it anymore - needed a small break. I was tired of analyzing and searching for the history - it's exhausting.

I also stopped reading Eat. Pray. Love. because I'm in the love part and it makes me want to barf. I'm not quite ready to experience her happily ever after. Nope, not at all. Right now I only want to hear about independent women surviving this cruel, cold world.

I'm working on week 2 of operation extraction. An operation begun a great many times, but never completed - until now. I need this kind of cleansing because I am moving back into the lion's den. Where everything is too close for comfort, where every red car may be his and so on and so forth.

These last 6 months out of that area, out of my house and being on my own has been crucial to my sanity. It's going to be about keeping a busy schedule and being proactive.

On a side note: Today is 2 very special people's birthday. One I have known for years and years and I'm lucky enough to call her my friend. She's actually more like a sister really <3 The other I did not know for very long, but it was hard to not love the guy. Unfortunately, he is no longer with us, but he is missed immensely by his family and friends. I know that where ever he is, he is watching and protecting his family. He is most certainly proud of his brothers and the path they each have chosen.

Tip: Give a loved one a hug today.

namaste.

Manic Monday...

Did lots of talking this past weekend. I traveled to Ireland quite a few times and even got married to a Patrick.

Ha.

I am placing my ideas and goals out there in the Universe. The more I repeat them to myself and to others I feel it may increase their chance of coming to fruition.

I'm going to miss living on my own - having my own space. It's going to be difficult to go back to living in a bedroom. Nothing of worth or importance ever comes easy and sacrifices almost always have to be made.

Focus. I am on the precipice of change and I feel that the worse is over. I now have a direction. Let me touch upon something I have noticed lately.

Regarding the rules and regulation of being single as an adult, I have realized that they're antiquated. We are not meant to stay single for long or at least that's what your friends and family wish for you. Aren't your friends encouraging you to go out there and date, meet new people, potential lovers? They're the same friends who agree that you have to be alone in order to heal. Women themselves are confused about what is the appropriate step after a break up. Our independent intelligent minds tell us that it is okay to be alone in order to figure out your life. At the same time the ideas of what it is to be a woman which has been ingrained in our being - tell us to hurry and get back on that horse.

Nobody wants to be that friend who has attended friends weddings, has been in the wedding party, has maybe even married friends, but has not been the actual bride. We place all this unnecessary pressure and stress on ourselves.

So, I'm making a new rule ladies: if you don't want to get married - then don't. There is no need to bend to society's will and others expectation. Brace yourself for the eye rolls, sighs and influx of advise. There is something bigger out there, bigger than all of us.

The trick is to live a fulfilled life and that may not require marriage and kids. That has a different meaning for each person and never set it aside for someone else's dream.

Life's too short.

Tip: Remind yourself that you deserve better - always better.

namaste.

Unconquerable Soul

Happy Friday!

Go out and have some fun.

It's been a rough week, so I plan on relaxing. Perhaps I'll make use of my pool?

I need some me time - without the crying and kill yourself music.

Just me, myself and a book.

Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do once I graduate.

Bad habit.

Perhaps I should stop trying to focus on the big picture.
Perhaps I should concentrate on the details, the stitching that forms the big picture.

Friends keep telling me that everything will fall into place. It's difficult for me to believe.

I am the master of my destiny or something cliche like that.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Tip: Get some fresh air, clear your head.


namaste.

Organized Mayhem

Immediate To Do List 

1. Go to volunteer training
2. Start exercising again
3. Begin organizing belongings
4. Collect boxes
5. Start packing books
6. Get an oil change
7. Tire rotation and alignment
8. Buy new windshield wipers
9. Renew registration
10. Pay ticket

Long Term To Do List

1. return to my children books idea
2. begin researching career options
3. pursue MA?
4. move?
5. teach abroad?
6. IRELAND
7. Graduate
8.  write
9. cook
10. get another dog

Sometimes  I have to write things down or else I will lose them. Lately I've had so many ideas, thoughts, goals crowding my brain. I feel like if I don't write them down I'll never accomplish any of them. So, I've created something of a checklist for myself.

Maintaining my car for example, is something that I have been putting off and I can't. The mechanic even gave me a to do list for my car and I haven't checked one thing off.

I need to gather myself and focus on my needs, wants - what makes me tick. I really liked the person I was becoming: energetic, positive, happier. This is what happens when you don't break the cycle the first time around. Instead you get hurt all over again, cry all over again, feel heartbroken all over again.

I've made a few decisions lately - some while in the middle of emotional turmoil (so they will probably change) and others with a calm mind. I've decided that once I graduate the world will be open to me. I may decide to relocate (depending really how far along I am with this whole healing thing).

This next decision will cause many to roll their eyes. I can hear the old tired, "Oh, you're just feeling like this now, but you'll find someone else". Now I'm not going to argue, because it may be true or maybe not. What I do know is that I honestly don't feel like starting over with anyone. I don't feel like sharing any part of myself with anyone. I don't feel like playing the getting to know you game. I don't want first kisses, first hugs, first dates. I don't want to give my number to anyone. I don't want to ever, ever wait for anyone. I will never, ever surrender myself to anyone again. It is a tiring game that I am opting out of. I'm not bitter - I just don't have the energy nor the desire to experience falling in love or the like.

I don't want to get married or have kids. Many women are probably shaking their heads at this. Right now this is the path I want to take and I'm okay with it. My 9 year old self had it right - school, career, travel, friends, family, dogs. 

Tip: Learn to rely on yourself and stop finding reasons to contact him.

namaste.

Tuesdays with Yours Truly.

And I'm back.

It's been tough lately and I have had little motivation to write. Seems like I'm stuck in a rut of sorts. It's like ripping off a band-aid again and again. Which is probably why you're not supposed to continue with the engaging dance.

I very recently caught myself creating  a very similar cycle. I have yet to be unavailable. I remained available for a very stupid reason, but I'm done with that now. I absolutely have to be.

6 months. Half a year later and I have ripped off the band aid one, final time.

Really short...

Made my visitation rounds last night. It was nice and relaxing.
I was on nerd mode today.
Set up my FIU email account after 4 years. Let me tell you trying to delete 6,000+ emails - not fun.

I can barely contain my excitement. Now, it's time to try to figure out what direction I'm going to take once I graduate. I have no idea anymore. I used to want to teach high school, but now I'm not too sure. I would love to do something more proactive.

I have time for that I guess.

Tip: Continue to work out the history.

Namaste.