I'm wide awake.

I don't remember researching teaching abroad programs being so overwhelming. I just want one clear and concise website. The research has begun in search of career ideas.

I'm trying to formulate a plan for my future, since it is so close at hand. For so long, my plan was to finish my BA program and Ireland. Now, I don't know. Unbelievably I will hopefully have both scratched off by the end of 2013.

Then I'm left with that question: "what now?" hanging over my head. I have never dealt well with the unknown. We all know by now, that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive about having a plan.

As a woman I find it somewhat difficult since I've disqualified marriage and children as options. So many women probably walk along this track: Finish school, work for a while, find a suitable man, marry and have kids. There leaves little room for travel, relocation, and freedom.

Admittedly I am still getting use to the feel in my mouth, my thoughts, my plans. Perhaps due to having a vagina it does cause some fear. Its never easy to venture out on a thin limb. Most women know from a young age when they don't want to be mothers or wives. For the better part of my childhood I knew, but then I was introduced to love.

Now, I know it's what I want and what is right for me, but I'm still scared. Being single plays tricks on you. One day you're perfectly content in your own skin - alone and then BAM the loneliness comes a-knocking.

Oh and what is it with missing someone you don't want back? What is the purpose of that? I find myself missing him, but I have to constantly remind myself that it's ridiculous because I would never in my right mind be with him again. Yet, I do. I miss him.

Ha. That reminds me. Ladies was there ever something that your partner didn't particularly like on you or for you, but you did? For example: short hair, long dresses, baggy shirts, mom jeans, etc. Well, my chickadees, I recommend doing whatever it was that he didn't like. I for one, spent little time before I went to chop off my hair. I still wear baggy shirts, but I am missing one. The long dress.

It seems silly - I know. But, if done for the right intentions - it feels like you're peeling away on old heavy layer from the past.

try it.

namaste.