Last time, I promise.

Is it really taboo for women to put their careers first, instead of creating a family? I was that girl once, when I was much younger. I was bitter about my parent’s divorce and had zero tolerance for men or relationships. I had decided that I was going to focus on excelling in school, graduating with my degree and beginning my career. That’s all I had time for, oh and family of course.

Then it happened, as it always happens. I fell in love for the first time, and I thought, wow, what a beautiful feeling. I was in high school and we were together for 4 years. In those 4 years, I did not veer from my path too much, but I was also young. For all the bitterness that I supposedly had, I realized that I still held hope in my heart.

Life does not stop for anyone or anything, not even love. Why then do women stop?? I am speaking in general terms, the older we become, the more willing we are to concede as long as there is marriage and children. When did that become acceptable?

Like I’ve mentioned previously, I too am guilty of letting it all go, but why?

So much of it had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with me. I used to want so much out of life and then it became challenging and dark. I made plenty of mistakes, but it was also just circumstance. I had lost sight of my path. Instead of fighting to find it again, I just stumbled blindly.

My love for him was and is genuine, but my expectations were not. I had failed in so many other things, that I wanted to do this right, but according to who and of the expense of what? Men think they have social pressure, try being a woman. We are almost destined to fail. If we are career driven individuals, something is wrong with us. If do not have a husband and children before a certain age, something is wrong with us.

I have met so many women, who encouraged moving on from my relationship, all because he did not want to move in together. These women were all about getting rings and security. There did not seem to be room for anything else. Now, I realize how sad that is. It is sad, that women feel validated by who they are with. I, too had fallen into the trap. I wanted all those things, but now I realize for they were for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to be a mom, because I wanted something to call my own. I wanted the feeling of being needed. I understand that these feelings run much deeper, and trust me I've gone to therapists. You do not have children for these reasons, you get pets for these reasons. Marriage, same thing, I wanted to be wanted and needed. It somehow would validate my self worth. All of this stems from "daddy issues" which I can't seem to break free from. I have severe abandonment trauma and separation anxiety. 

I am a real winner, huh? I refer to all of those lovely attributes to what I call, "Crazy Yesi". Thankfully, she only comes out in extreme situations. Anyway, I digress. My point is, when did having the best of both worlds, become impossible? 

Well, this little lady right here, will do nothing of the sort again. It has cost me too much. I will stick to my guns,and pursue what makes me happy. I will carry this broken heart proudly, because it has brought out the old me.