Moody Blue Moods...

I realized yesterday, while writing my blog, that I was indeed playing a game. I do not expect people to understand the whys and why nots. All I know is that I have to do what is right for me.

It will not become a habit, but I'm done wasting time. The message was lost somewhere between here and there. I caught a glimpse of the beautiful person that has been over shadowed by ambition. It was a familiar feeling and it did bring me some comfort.

I know my life will be forever changed and I know that our chapter has been closed, but I still hold the key. I don't think that's a key I will be throwing away anytime soon. I know the status quo will remain and I am coming to accept that.

The connection is still there. I am talking about that deeper connection that surpasses old and new relationships, sexual tension. Its the connection that makes us human, the one that you should feel lucky to have ever experienced. The connection that brings some order to the chaos around us.

I do not know if he feels the same, but it's there. The feeling of the rightness of the moment is there. I do not how long we will have this connection, but I am done pretending it does not exist. I know that I don't have to be in constant communication to have someone be near. I have let my fear of abandonment dictate too much of my emotions.

I have made immense progress in the right direction, but there are still some bumps on my path. I cannot control how long it will take to completely heal. I cannot control what the Universe has in store for me. I cannot control the loss of my relationship. I cannot control what he feels or his reasons.

I can control my reactions. I can control which path I choose. I can control how I feel. I only have control of one thing and that is of myself.

There is something that is stronger than control and that is the idea of a belief. Having a belief is as strong and as intoxicating as having hope. Without belief there is nothing. Belief is the strength which we draw from in our most trying moments.

Belief, like hope, can be dangerous. You can believe in the wrong thing, idea or feeling. The key is to sift through the moments, the loves, the dreams, the hopes and find the gold nuggets. You have to nourish those nuggets and with belief and hope on your side, they will bloom to something wonderful.

So, armed with my sifter, I am wading into the swirling pain, hurt, hope, courage, love, fear ready to scoop out my broken heart and soul. I will piece them together again, not with disillusion or bitterness, but with belief. A belief in myself, my strength and Time.