Post Thanksgiving.

So I survived my 1st holiday of the season. I did okay, but there is definite room for improvement. It was a very emotional day for me and yes, there were some tears. I had a nice time with the family and that did help. I entertained myself with running errands and having a long visit with my mom.

It's hard to keep the memories from flooding your mind. You catch yourself looking for him in the dining room and then you remember, oh yea, he's not here. It's hard to forget waking up in his bed last year, when you are waking up alone in your bed this year. So, I call my home girl to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving, to try to find some semblance of what my life used to me.

Lastly, I broke my own rule, like I do so many times and I call him. I could have just sent a text, but again I was searching for something familiar. Instead, it hurt to hear the commotion in the background and to know that I will no longer be a part of it. It hurt to hear his casual tone as though we always just called each other on the Holidays instead of having had spent them together.

Ladies, I did the most pathetic thing you can do: ask to hang out. Oh yes, I did. I think I set myself up to be let down, so I can hold on to the disappointment as a weapon against him. Doesn't work though. It is almost impossible to remain upset with him.

Sometimes though you find comfort in the least expected people. I found someone who truly understood what I was feeling for the 1st week after the breakup. That sense of fear, of being immobile, of the inability to figure out what to do next. Most mistake that for fear of being alone. It is the overwhelming feeling of having your life robbed from you and leaving you to free fall. It is being blind sided, it's that little girl who's childhood innocence is robbed from her by divorce. It's that painful realization that absolutely nothing will ever be the same. It is what he represented for me and what he took from me. It had nothing to do with not wanting to be alone. I've done alone, and I do alone just fine. It's finding your person and melding yourself with him, to only have torn away.

Letting go is so hard and yet, I don't know what I'm trying to hold on to. You cannot hold on to a shadow, a memory, a feeling, a ghost. I am not sure when it's going to click for me, I don't know when I'm going to wake up and know its done. I've never been very good at having epiphanies. A close friend, described me perfectly: I am all emotion. She thought I may be offended by this, but she is right. I have always been emotional about him and our relationship. I am not sure I can be any other way with or about him. I have never invested myself so completely before. I sometimes think, that I couldn't have been that wrong. My gut feeling was always be patient, he is worth it.

Can you be so wrong, when it feels so right?

All I have to do is survive the next month and a half. All I hope for is peace of mind and peace of heart. All I need to do is let it be.

As you can see, this isn't going to be a straight shot or road. Instead it's a winding one with bumps, curves and emotional pit falls. The goal? Reach the end intact.