I think I may have found myself a new boyfriend to share my time with besides Bukowski. I must admit though, I've only read Einstein's quotes and never actual literature. Quotes bring some comfort, because they remind you that you're not alone in your suffering.
Life is funny. You create relationships with the most surprising people and end them with the most surprising people.
The start of the month always begins slow and heavy. The month drags itself with chains of memories and longing. It takes the first few weeks to shake off the sadness and to slip into something more familiar, like numbness. Once you become reacquainted with numbness, you feel as though you can handle more and begin to test yourself. You try to see if you can hold out on one thing and come face to face with something else.
You think that deleting him was ridiculous and of course you are ready to be friends again, facebook friends. It's always a game of how much can you take? How much can you see before wanting to poke your eye out? How long can you ignore the fact that he is a click away? You remind yourself that nothing can be as painful as the day you went to his house and packed up your life.
Lies of course. Lies you tell yourself to bring some comfort. It can always get more painful, but you mustn't allow yourself to look at the big picture when there's a gaping hole in it. So, you must lie to yourself about the little things and fool yourself about the big things. Instead of remembering the wonderful times, remember how much you loved him, remember how you took care of him, how much of yourself you gave to him and remember how it felt when he walked away from it all. Hold on to that feeling. Hold on to the hurt and disappointment, squeeze it tight when you're resolve begins to weaken.
Some may say it's unhealthy to harbor anger, but this is about survival.
My previous motto: "Out of sight, out of mind" has worn out its welcome.
My new motto is: "Do unto others, as they do unto you", simply put: treat him as he treat you.
It has not been easy, because I care too much. I am not giving up on it, just yet. This stupid program did not save what I had previously written and so I'm extremely frustrated right now. I had written so much and I can barely recall a freaking sentence. Screw it. Ladies go out and have fun. If you want to make out with a guy, do it. If you want to go out and get drunk, get started. Heart break equals being foolish and sometimes even crazy. If you are feeling rebellious then go out and get crazy. Notice that I am saying to get crazy not slutty. Sluttiness is never cute. I know some of you want to get it on when you are freshly single. I am all for that.
I recently had the experience of feeling guilty while out. I had to constantly remind myself that I was single and that I had every right to do this. Now I'm a bit superstitious and have a strange belief that if I start sleeping with other people, so will he. I never claimed to be normal or rational. Obviously, it's silly and shouldn't matter at the least. Truth is ladies, is that he is probably already sleeping with other people and you are the last thing on his mind. So, NO guilty feelings.
Heart break also encourages reckless behavior, because let's face it: there's nothing left to lose, right? There is also this masochistic sense of entitlement. You are entitled to get drunk and text your ex, you are entitled to have emotionally charged phone calls with your ex, you are entitled to put yourself out there, you are entitled to confess your undying love for him. It doesn't matter at the moment, because he has taken everything from you, right?
There is always something left to lose. You are only hurting yourself. You have whatever is left of yourself to lose.
The idea is to try to survive this intact and with whatever pride you may have left. Remember, lie to yourself, hold on to the anger and do not feel guilty. Let's promise to be careful with our decisions and work towards losing our sense of entitlement. We are only entitled to move forward. You are entitled to find someone who loves you no matter the consequences, who is willing to fight for your love, who loves you emotionally, painfully and wholeheartedly.You are entitled to find your person, your home, your other half. He will symbolize what he took from you, your broken dreams and broken future.
On a side note: I miss Pumpkin. I miss my little family. I really miss Pumpkin.
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